Twilight Zone

dreams...

2008-04-26T23:00:00.002+08:00

american movies are big on dreams. so am i. i've always wondered what i see myself doing in ten years' time, twenty years' time, etc. i wonder if what i dream so heavily about now will come true. i wonder if there will be crossroads in my life where i have to choose between two big dreams. i wonder if there is a purpose in the creation of my life, and whether i am meant to meet it. i wonder whether the steps i've taken thus far and am about to take will draw me nearer or take me away from that dream.

life is such a mystery. there are so many permutations to the end. the job you choose, the people you meet, the experiences you go through, the books you read, the movies you watch, the places you travel to, the person you marry... each and every one of them play an important role in influencing the choices you make in life. some have a greater impact than others, but all nonetheless equally influential.

as i near the end of my pupillage, and embark on the real world for real, i wonder what other surprises life will throw at me. this afternoon i imagined myself working from now till 30 and then do a career switch to something totally different and new. but then i was reminded that at that age i would probably (God willing) be married, have a kid and paying off the mortgage on the house, so that's the worst time to do a career switch. sigh.

i know life's short, and there's so many things i want to do. yet at the back of my mind, one dream keeps recurring. it's as if that dream was the dream i was meant to do all along, and all the other things that i want to do are mere distractions, which are fun but ultimately frivolous and waste precious time and energy that i could have better spent it in fulfilling that dream. i don't know... if it's your will Lord, open the door/s for me.

developing world, a developing me

2008-04-15T22:36:00.002+08:00

wow it's been ages since i've last been here. i guess it's just a telling sign of how absolutely busy i've been at work. interestingly, contrary to what most working adults tell me, i find working fun and more stimulating than studying. i think it's the knowledge that the work that you do is ultimately being appreciated in a tangible manner at the receiving end, and not tossed to some faceless marker who grades your papers because he/she is paid to do so. i like the idea of knowing that the consumer who desires my work uses it for a meaningful purpose, and is advancing the economy or world through my work. it's just the overall satisfaction of being able to contribute to society. i guess now i truly understand what it means to be a "you2 yong4 de2 ren2." (a useful person)

as i grow used to working life, i begin to develop different perspectives of the world and different theories of why the world works the way it does, and consequently how i think it should be worked in order for it to be better. of course i have my idealistic dream about how i think an utopian world ought to be run, ought to be organised, but i also recognise the limitations of my dream, chiefly that people don't share the same worldview or value system as i do, which will make it hard for them to accept my point of view. ever felt that you know you're so right about something and you're bursting to share with everyone the truth that you've found, and yet no one will believe you? it's the anguish i go through these days.

the important basis

2008-01-27T17:40:00.000+08:00

It's been long. A sign of extreme busyness. If you work from 9-7 from monday to friday, and spend your weekends going out, there really isn't much time for one to sit at the computer and blog. Working life is really much more hectic than I imagined. The thing about me is, I like to take things slowly, I like to progress slowly, to be aware of the changes happening, reflect and contemplate whether this is the right move to make before I take the next step. This was possible during my education years (which explains why I always take much longer than my peers to get used to each education system) where things are just between yourself and the institution. The criteria there for succeeding is more objective. Work hard and you will excel. But in working life, it is a whole different game altogether. You suddenly take on the role of an employee, a servant in essence. You have a superior to answer to, and your success and well-being depends on (at times) the subjective preferences of your boss. Things which you studied in the abstract are now transformed into practical stuff right before your eyes, and it's not always pretty (like the raw ingredients before a beautiful cake is made). But you have no choice. You need to make a living. You need to develop skills to survive. You need to make yourself indispensable.

I am slowly getting used to it. Slowly, as usual. I still have a lot of questions about work along the way, and am still seeking advice from older, more experienced adults. But for now, I'm groping around, experimenting with different theories and outlook on working life, trying to understand the whole basis of working. I believe that it is only with a sound philosophical background on what work entails am I able to move forward. It is basically understanding society.

sigh, real work

2008-01-04T22:34:00.000+08:00

4 weeks into work. The festive season helped to cushion the impact, but as the new year starts, the real work begins to pile up, and I find myself having to work weekends. Sigh. Not intensively though, just research. But still, it's a drag to find your mind split two ways about spending your supposed free time. I don't ask for much, I just need my special time.

life beckons

2007-12-22T18:01:00.001+08:00

Just started work again a couple of weeks ago, which explains my long absence. It's been quite delightful being back at work, strange as it may sound. For one, there's no homework, and whatever time I have outside work is mine to keep. For another, I'm earning money. :) It's good to know one is financially independent. The holiday season is here to enjoy. I'm just happy that life for me is finally starting.

give me hope

2007-12-09T21:26:00.000+08:00

it's strange when the things you most hope and pray that it's not true always turns out to be.. that all-so-familiar feeling sinks in when you realise that the probability of it being true is more than 50% and you're just dreading the consequences and implications of it... i wish sometimes God wouldn't make such a sport out of me.

In other news, hurray! My stupid exams are finally over! Wow, I can safely say that I don't have to take any more exams by compulsion. From now on, it's just work and work. I know this sounds insane but I'm looking forward to returning to some practical work tomorrow, instead of just mugging my notes for seemingly lack of any real purpose. Putting what I've learnt into real practice makes learning more alive, somehow. I just hope my body can adjust to the sudden change. Again.

work beckons once more

2007-12-02T18:48:00.000+08:00

I'm halfway through my exams, gearing towards the second half. Strangely, I'm looking forward to the end of it, even though it means returning back to the workplace. It dawned on me that all my life I've been an academic, so to speak, reading, studying, researching, culminating to that very last moment where I throw up everything I know on to the paper just so I can look forward to a well-deserved holiday. And then when that ends, it's back to yet another cycle. With this being potentially my final exams, I really feel like this is the moment my life begins. Work will be my only companion from now on, and its consistency and somewhat predictability will allow me to re-organise my life around it to do the things I truly want. I mean, there are other interests/passions in life I want to pursue but not necessarily workable income-wise, so hopefully once I'm settled into a stable work regime, I have more time to do other stuff which will make me grow in the direction I hope to go.

perils of studying

2007-11-24T23:17:00.001+08:00

At this point in time, I can't decide if studying or working is the lesser of two evils. My brain is currently almost sucked dry of any possible absorptive juices. Studying for almost a month has made me quite the impossible person to be with. Irritable, emotional, stressed and without a doubt hungrier and sleepier than usual, seeing how they are the most sought after activities of the day. And yet, I'm not sure if I'm exam-ready. I'm not sure how much I ought to know and whether what I know is sufficient. Sadly, legal matters will be my only companion from now till two weeks later, as I gear myself to be in battle-mode. Thereafter, they will become family.

which reality

2007-11-15T00:13:00.001+08:00

This is the longest I've been away from the comp. Not by choice though, because with the upcoming exams, I really cannot afford any such time. It was the thought of accumulating emails that compelled me to spare a few minutes. As I slowly read the emails, and browsed through several other blogs, I saw all the activities I've missed. Then a thought dawned on me - does returning to the comp satisfies "back to reality" or being away from it? I've survived pretty well for the past few days without the need to switch on my computer, and the events I've missed are not life-and-death matters. Yet there was an acute sense of not knowing what events people have organised (for me) or are doing with their lives, but if I seriously think about it, these things are only peripheral, they don't affect me in any major way. The sense of not knowing is no loss indeed. What really matters is your immediate life and the cherished people immediately around you. Perhaps returning to the comp is more befittingly known as "time for the un-essentials".

to do nothing

2007-11-07T22:34:00.000+08:00

Over the past few months of hard work I've subjected myself to, I've humbly come to acknowledge that at the core of it, I'm really just flesh. As much as I wish, I'm not a machine made of brutal steel that can go on and on for ages. I need rest, I need breaks. SO, while scheduling for my upcoming exams, I forced myself to take breaks. I put intensive work during the day and no work at night. Surprisingly, it seems that there is still enough time to cover everything (hope I don't say too soon!). But at least when I look at my schedule now, I don't feel so intimidated because there are so many lovely blanks in-between for me to just do nothing. :)

rest

2007-11-04T23:02:00.000+08:00

It's been a long week. Sigh. I don't think my brain has stopped to think about anything else besides work. Ok, I'm exaggerating but it's close enough. Barring eating, sleeping, jogging, watching tv, the occasional reading (if I'm lucky) and the rarer moments of just staring into space, I do very little else, really. At the beginning of the week, I felt my brain all raring to go and I pushed it hard, too hard perhaps, such that it quietly slowed down towards the weekend. Maybe when Monday comes round again, it will give my brain the necessary spurt to continue. As of now, work is finished for the day, and I'm going to take a few moments just to enjoy the coolness of the air and the delightful sounds of raindrops falling on my balcony before going to bed. I live for moments like these.

gah

2007-10-27T23:40:00.000+08:00

what bitter news! i've been belabouring under the false impression that studying for exams is easier than assignments. i realise now my foolishness. the notes are copious! and i'm just grasping for air as i arrange my study schedule. there's nary a space to breathe. what's more, having read a sample assignment answer, i am now rethinking my supposed finished assignment. it would take more than a nose-job to get it fixed.

chop away

2007-10-27T17:14:00.000+08:00

yay, yay, yay. i managed to cut the number of words for my essay from an exorbitant 1720 words to 1499 words, just nicely below the 1500-word limit. but having said that, i think in the process i have lost all logical sentence structure and flow of language, such that even i don't think i can understand my essay anymore. :( sigh, the price of brevity. i will need to do further repairs, but later.

me want dessert!

2007-10-26T17:40:00.001+08:00

it's a lovely friday afternoon, the sun is out in full bloom. yet i am stuck in front of the laptop, struggling with this final assignment which fundamentally tests the existence of my conscience. :( hai, it's been a week of non-stop intensive thinking. immediately after the completion of my commercial practice assignment on tuesday, i have to work on my professional responsibility one which is due next monday. with only 5-6 days in between, there's really not much time to rest. i literally feel my brain heating up (which i suppose where the term "burning out" comes from) at the rigorous thinking i am subjecting it to. i need a break, desperately. maybe a nice scoop or two of ben&jerry's later will do the trick. it's time to chill. ;p

whizzing past

2007-10-24T00:28:00.000+08:00

Finally, my comm prac assignment is over! What a wave of relief. Granted I don't know if what I've put in is sufficient, but at the very least I can say I did the best I could with it, exercising all possible sources of information within the very limited time given. Yes there's still another assignment left, but this one is slightly easier because the issues are clearer and the answers are found in a single location - the textbook. I hope I don't speak too soon though.

Just flipped through my timetable. The weeks are coming to an end so quickly. Time is flying by faster than I can breathe. November is approaching, and so is December. 2007, you're slipping through my fingers...

hold me tight

2007-10-22T22:14:00.001+08:00

"I will never!
Be another!
Life that's given
To this world forever!"

Guard me jealously, hold me close, never let me go.

keep me well

2007-10-22T17:41:00.000+08:00

I've been looking at my comm prac assignment ad nauseum, literally. When I think about it, I feel like vomitting. At first I was thrilled to be able to see the issues, but after a while, when I can't think of any other, it just became stale. I look at it now because I have to, and because I keep wishing something new will come up, which hasn't happened so far.

tougher training

2007-10-20T17:32:00.001+08:00

gosh, i'm so tired. it's been a steady stream of assignments, one after another without much rest. and worse, the deadlines are spread in such a way that there's only a week in between, i.e. about seven miserable days to think, research, and write. clearly, this is unacceptable! i never had to do so much research and thinking within such a short span of time. is this the normal benchmark of the working world? and yet, at the same time, i'm truly amazed at my ability to produce some resemblance of a thought-out work. one often underestimates one's ability until it's pushed to the limit. of course, sacrifices are inevitably made (reduced socialising, reduced other thoughts, increased stress) but perhaps it's a conditioning that all minds have to go through to attain ever greater perfection and strength. once the mind is used to the harsher routine, things will naturally get better and easier. things can only get tougher from now on. brace myself.

outstanding work

2007-10-12T22:52:00.000+08:00

I think the more time one has, the more unproductive one is. :( I had potentially the whole day to do work and catch up, and yet I spent most of it sleeping and watching tv. I guess when you have too much time, you just take it for granted that somehow or other, you'll get your work done, so complacency seeps in and inefficiency results. Sigh. Well, at least I know the coming weekend won't be unproductive, because I'll be making my annual trip to malaysia for my grandpa's birthday, so there's more motivation to get as much work done as possible before I leave. Funnily, it's almost as if the theory that things are treasured not because of its intrinsic value but of its scarcity is true. My dad has always said that salt is the most under-valued substance even though it plays such an important role in all cuisines simply because it is too widely available. Isn't that a sad truth? Sigh. Maybe I should start filling up my days with activities again, just so I can gain a sense of urgency.

my idea of rest

2007-10-12T09:44:00.000+08:00

Yay, it's friday, and there's happily no school today! :) After a week-long of stressing about wednesday's assignment, I finally have time to wind down and take my much-needed breather. Gonna spend the day lazying at home, doing light work and overall giving my brain its requisite break. I know, I know, still two assignments to go and exams to prepare, but even easily-stressed people need to relax. Hai. What would I give for a dessert treat for my head? Hm... Maybe tussle my thoughts in a pool of delicious cold ice-cream. Heh.

vroom vroom

2007-10-10T23:29:00.000+08:00

A fix of happiness a day drives any blues away. :) One assignment down, two more to go. Sigh. Once these two are over, I can look forward to happy times before the final exams strike. What a roller coaster ride I'm going through.

updates

2007-10-05T22:35:00.001+08:00

I haven't written in a while, does that mean it's been a productive week? One can say so. :)

Being stuck behind slow cars is one of my biggest peeve, especially when I'm in hurry. Sigh. Seriously, they move at a mere 40km/h and when they approach a bend, they reduce their speed into such an incredulous crawl that I had to jam-break. And on expressways, don't drive on the first lane (i.e. extreme right lane) if you're going to be so slow! And don't suddenly reduce your speed until I almost kiss your butt! Sigh. Ok aside from all that, I guess I really need to alter my driving style such that I stay safe and healthy. My dad tells me that in driving, it doesn't matter so much that you're right, but to watch out for others' mistakes instead, because other people's mistakes could be just as costly. Bearing that in mind as I deny my human nature in driving.

On the upside, for my Criminal Legal Aid Scheme (CLAS) program, I was lucky enough to go to Changi Women's Prison to interview the charged person. It was an interesting hands-on experience, one that I probably won't get to do so anytime in the near future (unless something major happens). In the circles that I've mixed with, I would never hear of anyone thinking of committing a crime, and yet in another part of Singapore there exists such a group that actually contemplates these things, intentionally or otherwise. It changes the way we see people, that there are others who are not as fortunate as us. It really reminded me how important it is to know God and have God in our lives. Everything else will fall in place.

chug along now

2007-09-28T23:14:00.000+08:00

Excessive blogging only spells one thing: danger of losing my steam. :(

Sigh, I feel it, you know. Especially this week. Previously, there were only tutorials to prepare for and general studying, so I was pretty much on the ball. But with the recent invasion of unwelcomed assignments, it's not difficult to see why I'm suddenly saddled with a heavier dose of stress. I very much want to study for the exams but the assignments simply demand every inch of my brain. So much so that this week, I find myself moving more sluggishly than before. I need to restart the engine, I need to pick up steam. Heat me up, sunny!

nature, please

2007-09-28T10:19:00.000+08:00

It's a glorious friday morning, beautifully sunny with rays of sunshine streaming into the balcony. Little movements of leaves indicate the presence of a slight breeze nicely tempering the heat. The vast light blue above provides the perfect background for clumps of white fluffy clouds to move gently and measuredly, as if they were royalty on the red carpet for all to admire. It is perfection at its best.

I have a few dream houses in mind. I can't decide if I would like to live at the top of a hill, where I'm as close to the sky as possible and can immerse myself in luxuriant fresh air and witness many amazing sunsets or have a quaint abodement beside a majestic river, where my eyes can feast on the swishing of water and hear tender trickling sounds all day long. Sigh. If I stay in Singapore, they can only remain dreams.

work, work

2007-09-27T12:11:00.000+08:00

I'm doing the best I can already but somehow it's just impossible to keep up with the influx of work. As much as I want to study for the exams now and keep my early days of november free, the task is regrettably unattainable. With 4 ongoing assignments, each demanding an inordinate amount of time and energy, it leaves me very little for anything else. I'm already cutting down on social lunches and dinners and filling every minute with useful activity, but it still seems incredibly difficult to stay afloat. Hai. Must be efficient at all costs.

some thoughts

2007-09-22T15:21:00.000+08:00

as i grow older, i begin to realise there's no such thing as common sense. common sense is premised on the fact that there is something fundamentally common to every human being. but given the diversity of climate, environment, culture, family background and personal experiences, how can anyone claim any commonality in that? perhaps the only time we can claim someone lacks common sense is when that person comes from substantially the same background as you do, and even then, the term "common sense" is applicable only between the two of you, and not with regards to the rest of society.

on a related note, i've also been pondering the link between perfection and human rationality. you see, in economics theory, the basis which we come up with graphs and formulas is the assumption that in an ideal (i.e. perfect) world, human beings make rational choices with their money. suffice to say, such a world does not exist because human beings are never rational all the time, and do make decisions based on emotions. thus, economics seem to suggest that only rationality equates to perfection, anything else falls short. my question therefore is, is the reason why "all human beings are imperfect" solely because we are at times irrational? can we not say that it is because we are irrational that we are perfectly human, and conversely if we were rational all the time, we would be imperfect humans? would it not then mean that computers and robots are more perfect than us because they function void of emotions? which then begs the question of how imperfect human beings can create beings more perfect than themselves. this is illogical (and by that sentence, i'm betraying my own theory).

human beings are strange creatures. i shall never cease to be amazed.

health is wealth

2007-09-18T23:15:00.000+08:00

It's all too easy to take youth and health for granted. It's when the body starts to break down and not function as optimally as before that one starts to wonder why in the world did one ever worry about anything else in the world at all. What's the point of pursuing fame, wealth, appearances or popularity or being anxious over broken friendships/relationships/careers when one loses the capacity to do all those things? At the end of it all, life is fundamentally about maintaining a good healthy body that can last you, with hope (I don't believe in luck), about 60 years. Everything else will fall in place.

appreciate

2007-09-15T16:29:00.000+08:00

sigh! i must remind myself that life isn't perfect, and i can't have my cake and eat it too. there are so many more important things in my life to be thankful for and to pursue, let not this trivial matters hold me back from enjoying life to its fullest.

against all odds

2007-09-14T22:34:00.000+08:00

Don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. - James 4:4

As my peers explore the adult world with me, it really tests the limits of this verse. This verse was so easy to follow when I was much younger, when all my friends were innocent and easily contented and the activities we engaged in were good, clean fun. But as we grow older, and start mixing with the older crowd, certain commodities or activities become (strangely) more highly sought after - appearance, people they know, amount of salary, material possessions, expensive food and wine, etc. Don't they know that no matter how much they hoard, they can never fill their insecurities with these? Don't they know that only their belief in their intrinsic value as a human being can sustain them forever, and everything else will turn to dust and be eaten by moths? I must admit, it's hard not to get caught up in a world where wealth is highly tagged to one's worth, but reading this verse gives me the strength to persevere.

give me strength to keep going

2007-09-14T09:40:00.000+08:00

It's the end of yet another week, and I'm finding myself a little more drained than expected. As much as I've tried to stick to a grab-every-moment regime to maximise my limited time, after a while, it gets exhausting. Every single moment is too purposeful. Every waking hour is planned with some activity, be it work or play. It's been a while since I've last touched my (leisure) book, as exciting and provoking as it has shown itself to be. Sigh. But at the same time I'm reluctant to give myself a break, because I know how precious my time is now. If I don't keep consistent work now, november is going to be extremely difficult. Perhaps keeping the reward in sight makes bearing the burden now a little easier.

seeing the world for what it is

2007-09-05T22:35:00.000+08:00

The mind of a working adult really changes the way one sees the world. Where in the past I used to take things that come to me so easily for granted, now I see the hard and meticulous work behind every good product. Instead of seeing something at face value for what it's worth, I now find myself asking more questions, trying to find out the process through which it took to arrive at its final stage. It's interesting, you know, to understand the steps taken to reach a certain outcome. You try to digest the logic that lies beneath those steps and gape in wonder at the brains behind it.

A purposeful life is not one that serves an ultimate purpose, although one can take it to mean that way. But no, it is one that demands every step to have a purpose. Every action, every thought, every breath, and even every word uttered must have a purpose. In that sense, we can have many purposes in life especially at different stages, and not all purposes necessarily have to be good. In my view I rather applaud someone who has a bad purpose than someone who has no purpose.

usage of time

2007-08-31T10:16:00.000+08:00

The days are slipping by fast! I suppose when days are lined-up with activities and almost every pocket of the schedule is filled, somehow time seems insufficient and flies by all too rapidly. It also occurred to me that when time is tight, my concentration on each activity becomes more intense, as I am acutely aware of the possibility of not having a second chance to return to that moment to relive it, or if it's work, refine it. I used to think that such intensity would only wear my brain out, and I would need abundant beauty sleep and rest to recuperate. But having been through this sort of system for a while now, I realised that it's a matter of getting used to, plus it's a very efficient way of using time. Every moment is lived as if it would never return (which is true!), so a better quality of time is achieved.

refreshed, renewed

2007-08-29T23:30:00.000+08:00

the recent line-up of activities have got me worried - am i overdoing this whole looking-outward scheme i've set for myself? i can only pray for the discipline and tenacity to do my work even amidst this flurry of events. sigh. but at least i've got God's peace in me, one that has put things into perspective and re-aligned my priorities. "only one thing is needed, and it will not be taken away from her."

void

2007-08-28T23:27:00.000+08:00

something reeks hollow..

growing up

2007-08-24T22:28:00.001+08:00

"If it's a bad day, don't dwell on it. It's over. Wake up to a new tomorrow."

I heard this on the radio last night, and my initial thought was, how silly. We can't live life from day to day, discounting the consequences from the events which took place today and pretend that they don't exist tomorrow. But as I reflect further on it, I realised that perhaps this statement did not necessarily mean escapism, but simply a reminder to take things easy. There's only so much one can plan, and a thousand and one other things that don't go according to it. Sometimes when it appears that everything in the day that could go wrong did, I just have to leave it at that - it's just a day. The only thing I can do is to sleep on it, put myself out of emotional distress, and wake up feeling calm and rational, ready to tackle what had happened the day before and make new plans accordingly.

People always say to see things in perspective, to look ahead, to think long term. In theory, it is sound; in practice, it works and I know because I'm always looking back and reminding myself of how far I've travelled in life. Yet I also know how hard it is to put theory into practice. When the day has only 24 hours, and the only milestones you're looking at in the day is wake-up time, breakfast, lunch, dinner and sleeping-time, it's hard to see whatever you do with the rest of your time will amount to anything substantial or significant in the future, if at all. To me, that is the scariest thought thus far.

:)

2007-08-21T23:18:00.000+08:00

it's one of those nights when i finished work early and think about how blessed i really am.

sigh must tighten my shoelace

2007-08-21T00:15:00.000+08:00

argh... out of all my modules, i think criminal procedure is the hardest and comes to me the least naturally. i mean, it's fun, i admit, to learn how the police arrest persons and conduct their investigations and all but it's quite a different case altogether when you are handling such a situation. for some strange reason, the administrative aspect of criminal procedure is just too complicated to understand or grasp. i can't seem to commit them to memory nor be able to spot the issues. sigh. i must buck up. this time round, i don't have the luxury of being able to do last minute work.

bring me back to yesterday

2007-08-20T11:05:00.000+08:00

Gmail is impressive.

I was configuring my microsoft outlook to import my Gmail emails to it, and while sending/receiving, I chanced upon many of the old emails that were sent way back in 2004-2005. I read some of the emails that I wrote and felt thoroughly ashamed at the kind of language that I had used. Pompous, insensitive and presumptous (not all, but some). Still, it's not a pretty side of me. At the same time, these emails brought back a wealth of memories, and pictures couldn't stop streaming as I replayed the scenes of yesteryears in my mind. We were so happy and carefree then. No cares, no responsibilities, our only goal in life was to make merry. Sigh. The beginnings of youth, the friends I've made and subsequently lost contact with (sigh), the events and committees I was part of... All these I long, and miss. But the world doesn't stop changing on my account. I just have to deal with the loss of those good-old-days and embrace the tough reality.

Gmail is a good way to reflect. It keeps your self intact.

general comments

2007-08-16T22:26:00.000+08:00

Finally, one free day tomorrow! :) It's been a week of lectures and tutorials, and as usual the attendant stresses, but I've learnt to deal with it... by having a game of pool with my kakis. ;) It's incredible. Because the Supreme Court is so near town, the temptation to just head over to the nearest pool parlour for that indulgent hour is just too great to give up. And for two consecutive days, I've been immersing myself in the company of my pool kakis. I guess the effect is quite similar to sports - for the entire time, your mind ceases to think of anything else except the game at hand. You're really just all out to win, and the intense concentration on the game makes you forget about other stresses momentarily. It helps that this place I've been going to has the best table cloth and pool balls I've ever seen. Super smooth. Super beautiful. Sigh.

Strangely, as the work gets heavier, it doesn't necessarily get tougher. I mean, even though we are delving deeper into concepts and procedures, I think it's the conditioning of the mind to think in a particular manner that is helping us adjust to the study we're doing now. I'm slowly getting used to thinking administratively. Truly real work is big on logical details; abstract thinking is really left to academics, lecturers and philosophers. As much as I believe myself to be an admin person, I realised that this world has been around much longer than I have, and has already developed its own system of rules and procedures that are tried and tested. It would be rude to barge in with my own ideas on how things ought to be run. Instead, adherence is key to success, at least in the initial stages. For now, my job is to understand WHY it's the way it is.

much rest

2007-08-11T16:45:00.000+08:00

For the longest time, I cannot figure out why I dislike being out on a Saturday afternoon. While families and friends frantically seize the weekend opportunity to go out, I very much relish the idea of staying put at home to recharge. Perhaps I've long regarded home (or rather my third floor) as a safe haven for me to escape from all the pressures of the world. The world sends many messages that are deeply contrary to my beliefs, and as I grow older, it becomes increasingly harder to fight them. I often find myself entangled in convoluted conversations with friends coming from diametrically opposite ends, so much so that these days I don't feel the desire to open my mouth. It's so tiring to put forth my thoughts knowing the backlash and silent sneers that I inevitably get, that I just prefer to remain mum, or talk about inconsequential, non-contentious stuff (which even then demands much energy from me).

At home, in my third floor, where I'm all alone, I can switch on the aircon to escape from the relentless heat, lie on my favourite, most comfortable couch, hug a pillow and close my eyes and dream of beautiful things. Silence.

keeping mum

2007-08-10T11:06:00.000+08:00

For all my complaints about the avalanche of work, this week's been surprisingly easy. There's nothing a good schedule, sufficient sleep and a dose of laughter-filled phone call cannot do. ;) I'm feeling happier these days. More relaxed, less edgy, more outward-looking. For a social recluse like me, my biggest enjoyment is spending time alone doing the things I like to do without having to make meaningless small talk (or noises, as I like to call it) with people just for the sake of it. Ah well. There's no job for a hermit out there now, is there?

pain pain

2007-08-07T22:13:00.000+08:00

I don't think my head has throbbed more heavily since the beginning of plc. Work floods us like nobody's business and the quantity and the intensity are killing us. Argh... Right now, I'm debating within whether I should start on a piece of rather-urgent work, but I just feel like screaming out loud to get rid of the pain in my head! *rubs temples* ouch ouch. sigh.

plans and schedules

2007-08-02T22:55:00.001+08:00

I've come to realise that an integral factor of preserving my sanity is planning. Pure planning. When I am so overwhelmed with work and other nitty-gritty responsibilities, the last thing I want is for all these to pile up in my head one after another, steadily gathering momentum and volume as the days speed by, creating a massive ball of uncontrollable tangles which only furthers my stress. By contrast, planning allows me to see my things-to-do in an organised manner, releasing me from my headache and even giving me the opportunity to be somewhat spontaneous in my activities. I can shift my schedule around almost immediately if the event is urgent enough without having to incur extra stress. And in between completing my scheduled work, if I'm lucky, I can sneak in a couple of hours to do some leisure reading, like now. :)

All these I know and have been practising for almost my entire life. But it still never ceases to amaze me how it works every single time. I guess for the past month when I was working, I didn't bother to do much planning, and that consequently caused me to lose myself along with many other things. But having returned to studying and gained a bit of rhythm in my life (after a good two months of haphazardness), I'm finding myself once more. :) And I'm happy and at peace.

special eyes

2007-07-31T22:52:00.000+08:00

Perception is often far greater than reality. We dream, we envision, sometimes we envy, sometimes we work towards it. But if ever we reach our goal, things are somehow never quite like what we perceived them to be. We may not even know if we have reached the dream. The drudgery of reality sets in, and even though through everyone's eyes, we're living out the dream, we often don't feel it. That's when the power of imagination sets in; we must be able to take ourselves out of the picture and see ourselves through a third person's eyes for us to fully appreciate our lives. And that's often hard to do.

the body and brain

2007-07-31T10:46:00.000+08:00

The body is a strange and funny thing. While most people think that the flesh is the antithesis of our brain (because it often has comfort and pleasure as its only objective), it in actual fact works hand in hand with our will. For instance, if we were bent on learning a new subject, and the initial period is difficult, our bodily instinctive reaction would be to give up. But if we will ourselves to stick to it, slowly our body will recognise that this is the path our brain has chosen and will adapt accordingly to suit our brain's wishes. True, it still has comfort and pleasure as its final goal, but it is creative enough such that it can attain it without disobeying the brains' orders; in essence it deals with the discomfort in a different way.

I hope that is what is happening with me now.

changes are not bad

2007-07-27T23:17:00.000+08:00

The biggest change I'm going through? Acknowledging the fact that people (and I) do change. And that changes aren't necessarily bad.

I guess having been through some bad patches in my younger and naive days, I've always thought I had seen the worst, and I've experienced the shittiest of times, and nothing could get any worse than what I've already been through. In that sense, I was (and still am, relatively) rather satisfied at the stage that I've reached - a general sense of comfortability with myself and who I grew to be. I thought that from now on, life would be smooth-sailing and any new circumstances thrown at me would be easily and readily handled by this confident stable me. Never did I expect myself to undergo even more changes. Mentally, practically, intellectually, emotionally. It came as a shock to me that instead of dealing with these new circumstances like the mature young adult I thought I was, these new circumstances had by contrast altered and forced this immature baby to grow up even more! In a sense, I felt stretched beyond what I thought were my limits. Admittedly, the initial pulling stage is rather unpleasant and at times sorely painful, but like the rubber band, when it reaches the stage where force is no longer needed to stay in that stretched position, it's when the going gets easier, I suppose. But yes, I've grown to appreciate the value of being stretched, of undergoing changes in my life. If I have to shoulder heavier responsibilities in future, the only way is for the rubber band in me to grow bigger to encompass these new things.

So yes, in an unprecedented moment of admission, I declare that changes are not necessarily bad. I would qualify however by stating that being unaware of the changes taking place in one's life is.

the race of life

2007-07-27T16:58:00.000+08:00

The weeks are once again flying by. With barely a blink of an eye, it's already the end of the third week of plc. Truly it only heralds the beginning of heavier work to come. Honeymoon period is fast disappearing. Our heavenly days of chilling out for long stretch of hours are diminishing so steathily that they're gone even before we know it. It's like youth. I look back at my education days and remembered how it used to seem like forever to graduation, to working life. I struggled so hard during year 1 in uni that I never thought I will make it to year 4. But here I am, past the finishing line and onto the next race of my life. Where have all the days of initial struggles gone to? Spent on my youth. As I embark on the next journey, toiling through similar difficulties faced in any beginning, I remember my youthful days, those filled with pain and torture of being a complete and utter greenhorn, and I take comfort in the fact that one day this too will pass, and what I need to do now is simply to garner enough strength just to take the next step, and the next, and the next. I will reach the finishing line one day, it's only a matter of time. Don't drop out, don't be distracted, keep my mind on the prize, and run the race.

Youth is not meant for enjoyment purposes; it's to give us the strength to overcome hardships that we may not, in our later years, have the willpower to do so anymore.

my precious head

2007-07-23T23:48:00.000+08:00

I haven't felt this relaxed in a long while. As much as I had mentally prepared myself for the transition from a studying routine to the working life, I think I may have made light of the process. I know this has been mentioned several times over, but I still can't get over the fact how a mere change as this could have such a tremendous impact on me. I've experienced a serious reduction of my mental capacity to think logically and rationally, a host of unpredictable emotional upheavals and a stress-induced lowering of my metabolic rate. While beginning plc has ameliorated the situation somewhat, I'm still experiencing the traumatic after-effects of it.

Perhaps the worst thing about work is not so much the cuffing of physical freedom but the imprisonment of one's thoughts to only the tasks at hand. I missed staring into space once in a while to daydream, to reflect, to think of theories and working it out in my head and see if it fits with reality... Such thoughts relax me, and when I'm relaxed, I think better, I'm more logical, and in turn, my emotions are more stable. Work simply does not permit me such luxury. Which is why I'm savouring every moment of my relaxed mental state right now, for I know in a few months' time, this will once again be taken away from me, and who knows when I can next regain my mental freedom.

i want to grow up

2007-07-20T22:34:00.000+08:00

Chijmes' main chapel is actually very very beautiful. Forget the glitzy bars and fancy restaurants full of expats and spgs desperately trying to pick up ang-moh men. The main chapel is a wonder to behold. The pointed-arc windows, the stained-glasses with pictures of Jesus and some of his disciples, the towering ceiling, the intricate carvings and not to mention the hanging chandeliers shimmering in splendid gold. Wow, I would love to enter such an architecture every Sunday.

After a night of (compulsory) fine dining, wine-drinking and small-talking with lawyers, it's back to work. Sigh. Tomorrow's gonna be a loooong day.

focus, focus!

2007-07-17T22:08:00.000+08:00

Sigh. Ok ok I need to focus. It's been a blissful one week of hols, attending airy-fairy lectures without having to prepare any real work. But reality is slowly showing its face once more, reminding me that I have a big advocacy workshop this Saturday that I need to prepare. But the adrenaline rush which spilled over from my grad trip (yes! I'm still feeling the effects of glorious hols in nepal and tibet!) has made me quite incapable of beginning any real work. And corporate work doesn't really cut it. Argh. Save me, I need to regain some form of order and organisation in my life. Open the booklet, serena, and stop procastinating! Stop thinking of all the wonderful hols and future plans you have. Time is of the essence now.

working vs studying

2007-07-13T22:35:00.000+08:00

strange man (think singlish). recently i've been feeling sleepier and sleepier. i'm not sure if it's the post-effects of work or the continuous attendance of lectures the past week that's causing it. but sometimes i get so tired that during the weekends, or every free hour i get for that matter, i just want to coop myself up at home, recuperate on my soft and lovely comforter and just drift off to dreamland where reality is what i make of it.

heh, from what i gather from everyone, work seems to be one gigantic monster that messed up the routine and freedom we were so accustomed to. no more opportunities to skip lectures, no more free time to take long lunches and dinners or play pool whenever we want. bosses at our necks, secretaries fussing over us, legal associates pressuring us to produce quality work which we have no clue about... on a more positive note, almost all working adults agree that it takes at least 3 years to get the hang of things. THREE years, can you imagine that? and i am already struggling very hard with only one month! sigh. but it does give me the impetus to push on knowing that this part of my life, as hard as it may be, is only temporary.

so far, beginning classes all over again is fun! i think i will greatly appreciate studying from now on. the hours, the friends, the excessive freedom... my last 6 months of pure enjoyment before being sold as a slave permanently to the working world (unless, of course, my future husband is rich and is capable of keeping me as a well-groomed housewife, haha). but barring that ideal scenario, i better savour the following months as much as i can. wow, the luxury of reading books (and not legal documents) is immeasurable.

an asian custom

2007-07-10T00:37:00.000+08:00

Yay, work's finally over, for now, and studying begins yet again. After having been through a torturous 5 weeks of working experience, I begin to appreciate the lovelier aspects of studying - friends and freedom. :) Nevertheless, the paycheck one receives at the end of a month's work is equally satisfying. After getting a general consensus from my friends, and carefully deliberating how I ought to present it, today was the day I finally presented a portion of my salary to each of my parents. Never have I seen happier faces. My parents looked genuinely delighted to receive the sum that I gave them, even though it was peanuts compared to what they earned. But I guess it's not so much the amount that matters, but the thought of someone giving them a present (so to speak) and showing her heartfelt appreciation for all they have done. Perhaps that really was the clincher, the one that struck them the most. I'm glad I gave them. The look on their faces was pricelessly beautiful.

staying late at work

2007-06-26T19:08:00.000+08:00

Freak la. I'm already done with my work and waiting to talk to my boss about it but he's busy with a conference call at the moment and I have no freaking idea what time it's gonna end! Argh. The perils of working. Wait let me clarify that. The perils of working under a boss. Sigh. This week is majorly busy, I've no idea why. Suddenly I'm piled up with so many matters that my list of things-to-do looks so full! I thought I could go home early the past few days but the nature of work is such that it's so unpredictable. You never know when something needs to be done by that particular day. Sigh, being the super organised and efficient me, I hate not being able to plan my hours - my hours of play and rest in particular. :( Is this the life for me? Sigh. Everyone's almost gone and I'm still stuck here waiting to speak to my boss. I wonder if I should go. But I can't, I shouldn't. I'm feeling so sleepy now. I miss my bed.. I miss a lot of things.

remembering those who are suffering

2007-06-19T10:40:00.000+08:00

Work looks set to be slow and quiet this week. My boss' father suddenly passed away yesterday morning and all of us from the firm went down to visit him at his place after work yesterday. It was quite a sight to see him in his home clothes and with ungelled hair. He was no longer the funny but demanding boss I was used to at work, but a sombre, quiet and tired-looking man greeted me. His voice soft, his eyes filled with hidden grief. My heart went out to him almost instantly. He spoke to us about the funeral plans in as a moderate tone as he could muster, trying very hard not to break down. His mum was by his side, every so often wringing her hands tightly and listening intently to our conversation, even though she could not understand a word that was being said. Perhaps, as my boss later replied in an email, that it was a way for her (and him too) to momentarily forget reality by focusing on the voices and presence of others. There were still times when he displayed his natural wit. Like when he was showing us his medicine cabinet with labels on each drawer for each ailment. One was labelled ear, another stomach and so on. So a colleague of mine joked that in the ear drawer lay an ear. And immediately my boss picked up on it and said, "How do you know? You should see the "bottom" drawer." At first I literally thought he meant the bottom drawer and was craning my neck to see what the bottom drawers held. It was only after a while that I realised "bottom" meant "backside" and grabbed my hair in mock exasperation at his corny joke. But that was about the only time I saw him laugh that night. Soon the number of friends and well-wishers grew so we left. But I took home with me an unforgettable image of the limpness in his body and the pain in his eyes.

reality bites

2007-06-16T10:38:00.000+08:00

I feel it deeply stirring within me: something is wrong with this world. I never thought I'd say this but people do chase ephemeral dreams of wealth, power and fame, and essentially focus a hundred percent on themselves. The things I've been thought to reject - sins of selfishness, self-centeredness, insensitivity - are things I thought were commonsensical and would easily be understood by anyone with a quarter of a brain. But as reality pans out, there are a whole lot more of stupid people out there than I thought. People who don't see beyond their immediate circle, who live solely for themselves, who have total disregard for the wisdom behind certain administrative rules, who are always discussing the latest news of others, who are always trying to keep up with the Joneses. I don't know. Perhaps my secondary school friend was right. scgs was indeed sheltered with the most lovable friends one can find, so much so that scgs girls aren't prepared to face the harsh reality of selfish, unreflective people. So what do I do with reality now? Struggle against it? Oppose it? Try to change it? I am, but one girl, one person. Teach me how I should live.

scenery pics in nepal

2007-06-06T21:55:00.000+08:00

Some scenery shots of nepal. :)

This was taken from Phewa Lake at Pokhara. The most breath-taking sight in the town. 6-, 7- and 8-thousanders just shot up from nowhere and surreptitiously steals your heart.

Still at Pokhara, rode up to a nearby hill called Sarangkot to catch the first glimpse of the sunrise. Love the extension of the rays.

Did I ever mention that sunsets are my favourite, favourite natural wonder? I LOVE sunsets. There in nepal, I am so thankful for the many days I had to catch dozens and dozens of brilliantly beautiful sunsets. This was taken in Pokhara too, sitting at the garden of a restaurant. My friend and I were actually privileged to watch the sun slowly cruising behind the mountains, shyly unaware of its amazing beauty as it does so. Sigh.

working life

2007-06-05T17:30:00.001+08:00

This poor little space has been neglected as a result of my sudden push into the big, bad working world. :( Today's the third day at work and I think being in a small firm has the added advantage of receiving exclusive and privileged attention from the lawyers, associates and secretaries. With only two pupils in the firm, there is sufficient space to provide each of us with a nice spacious desk to ourselves and a fully functioning internet to work on. I realised it's actually quite a necessity to have a big piece of wood to do my work. It makes the environment a more pleasant one to work in, somehow, and frees my mind to think as broadly as possible. In fact, over the next few days, I intend to spice up my little space and make it as personal as possible. A small plant here, a picture there maybe, and tada, it instantly morphs into a serena space, heh.

Working is definitely a whole new lifestyle I need to get used to. The first day was hard, especially having just returned from an adventure-filled, independent and free-and-easy trip where I could plan to do what I want at any time I like. Suddenly being chained up to a chair and desk for long hours was the complete antithesis of what my body and soul was crying out for. It made me moody over the weekend. But it got better. The lawyers were, thankfully, very helpful, and took me through the work step-by-step. Hopefully this keeps up.

The hardest thing about working is missing my afternoon naps. The hour between 2 to 3pm is always a huge challenge for my eyelids to remain up. Hai.

birthday at the raffles hotel

2007-05-31T11:26:00.000+08:00

It's almost uncanny how everyone says falling sick is a mandatory act when returning from a trip. The symptoms that plague me at the moment include a blocked and runny nose at the same time, blocked ears, tightening of the ribcage and difficulty breathing when I awoke this morning.. It's miserable having to breathe through your mouth and force the air to weave its way through the clogged up nostril. Details shall be spared for the sanity of the readers.

On a happier note, I decided to have my birthday celebration with my sc girls at a relatively unique and unfrequented place: the raffles hotel. Was quite keen on having a high tea buffet since none of us have ever done it before. So into the web I went in search of the best high teas in Singapore. Most reviews seem to concur that the tiffin room at raffles hotel had the best high tea, so with the consent of my friends, I went ahead and reserved 3 places. It was an experience worth remembering. I daresay it was my first time seeing raffles hotel as it was. The interior was flanked by the archetypal white pillars intricately covered with carvings dating back to the colonial era. Adding to its distinctiveness is the generous growth of greenery and flowers throughout the grounds. Everything felt rich and historical. Standing on the second and third floors and looking down at the staff of the hotel bustling about, doing their best to maintain the reputation of raffles hotel is a soothing sight. The thing I like most about raffles hotel is that it adopts a relatively open concept for a top-notch hotel. Anyone can go in and have a drink, dine at their many restaurants or simply just sit at a bench under the cool shade of one of the trees and do absolutely nothing. Sure, once in a while you will attract the attention of a bemused expat or an inquisitive staff but by and large they leave you alone.

High tea, sad to say, was not how us girls quite expect it to be. Buffet always brings to our minds a wide spread of eateries that allow us to go for seconds or thirds without stopping, but I guess having expected bigger portions with larger selections, we were not quite sure what to do with a handful of dimsums and sandwiches, local desserts and fruits. But ah well. It was an experience anyway. We managed to eat till we were full. And being the youngest and the most local-looking, we get a lot of attention from the waiters, heh. One of them was especially friendly to us, who kept asking us whether we would like to have our pictures taken together, and asked again when he saw us longingly looking at the harpist. My experiences at nepal and tibet have taught me that being able to make good conversation with strangers is indeed very enriching. The world is made up of human beings and while we may look different externally, practise varied cultures and have diverse beliefs and ideologies, fundamentally we have the same hopes, desires, fears and loves. I don't know. It's strange but from being a staunch believer in not engaging others unless I have to because I believe it is insincere to do so otherwise, I have swung to the other extreme. Everyone needs a smile everyday. Everyone needs to laugh and believe in a world that is full of hope and joy. Talking to others gives that kind of hope.

Work begins tomorrow! I pray really hard that my body will recover at least by 50% so that the first day wouldn't be so intolerable, heh.

the trip of a lifetime

2007-05-27T23:15:00.000+08:00

Just returned from a most adventure-filled backpacking trip to nepal and tibet with my secondary school friend. Just the two of us. For 17 days. Yes, we've met with a lot of wide-eyed gasps when we told our friends that it will just be two girls in a remote and somewhat dangerous part of asia for such an extended period of time, with almost zero-planning, but hey, we survived and we're back safe and sound. :) It was truly an eye-opener, not just gaping at the majestic snow-capped himalayas and vast greenery that extends for thousands and thousands of miles, but also to the daily lives and culture of the nepalese and tibetan people. While a part of me may sometimes wonder if travelling to the more developed countries of the world for my graduation trip (like what most of my friends were doing) would have been a better idea, it's when I re-look my pictures and reminisce the valuable experiences I had gained in surviving nepal and tibet that I don't think I can ever regret my choice of destination. It's not something money can buy nor school can teach. I have too much to tell, too many reflections to do. It will be a while before any of those thoughts and pictures will enter this platform. For now, nepal and tibet fills my mind and the depths of my soul constantly.

sigh

2007-05-06T21:20:00.000+08:00

When is the line crossed from being understanding to being foolish? Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me - how realistic is this?

tired, happy

2007-05-04T21:15:00.000+08:00

Sigh, I really need sleep. Ever since exams ended, I've been running around town preparing for trip stuff, picking up this and that, subjecting my body to non-stop activities. :( But I guess when the trip is less than a week away, and my friend and I have only started planning now because of my late exams, this mad rush is to be expected. And needless to add, there are a thousand and one persons to meet up too. Hols are supposed to be a time of guiltless rest, but we ironically end up filling the hours to the brim with events one after another, just to assure ourselves that the time is well-spent. I've come to recognise that I am no energiser-bunny; my energy is limited and I need all the rest I can get before the trip. Looking forward to it! Woo!

a milestone reached

2007-05-03T21:20:00.000+08:00

The initial exuberance has died down, but the freedom hasn't. :)

Immediately after my last paper yesterday, I was grinning from ear to ear and jumping up and down excitedly, shouting "it's over!" to every person I know, completely exhilatrated not only at the fact that exams are over, but also at the thought that I'm going to graduate and not have to face exams anymore! I suppose it's the same feeling you get when you cross the finishing line after running an arduous marathon (not that I've done so, but I think I can empathise). Friends were whipping out cameras, taking shots with their fellow classmates, group photos with the lecturer and final glimpses of the majestic school buildings. I can recall few moments in my life that I've felt this sad and relieved at the same time. Venturing out of the comfort and security afforded by the education system and jumping into the cauldron of adulthood rankles fears deep within. Excited fears nonetheless.

Spent the whole of yesterday chilling out with my law friends, and even though I was mentally exhausted and physically spent after the paper, I pushed myself to stay out till 12 plus, knowing that there is nary a chance I would be able to get them all at one place after yesterday. Ate at The Vi'lage, played pool at Paradiz Centre (and my girl friend and I thrashed the boys team, yeah!), watched Spiderman 3 at The Cathay (absolutely amazing! sensitive, human, deep and flawless weaving of plots, themes and characters) before ending up at Coscafe at Chijmes. I hit the sack the moment I came home, but it was a happy sack. :)

Now, to savour my freedom slowly and sweetly. :)

first paper

2007-04-29T00:26:00.000+08:00

Oh well. The first paper came and went. And considering the fact that I didn't pay attention during the entire semester for this module, and studied a full solid week for it, maybe it's not so bad that I completely threw out the last question. Sigh. Looking back, like all students, I so wished that I could have thought of the issues then, or at least garner more courage to write what I really thought about the issue even though it may not be in the notes. Sometimes in my moments of panic, I forget that at the end of the day, it is common sense that steals the show. Really, law is fundamentally regulating human behaviour, one of my specialist areas of thinking, heh. If only I had the guts to pen my instincts then. Sigh. In any case, there's really nothing more I can do about it, and if moping could somehow miraculously reform the eyes of the marker to see the value beyond my shoddy words, I would gladly do so. Ah well. Dreams will remain dreams. Reality beckons. My dean's words lent me some comfort, "Don't get overly stressed as good grades, while helpful, are neither a necessary nor a sufficient measure for future success."

be brave

2007-04-26T00:09:00.000+08:00

This chapter of my life is swiftly coming to an end. In less than a week, the life that I've always known, which has always revolved around attending lessons in various institutions, studying for an inordinate amount of tests and exams, being free to make the kind of friends who, I know, will always be more genuine than anyone I meet in future and of course the long stretches of holidays, will be over. The biggest step of my life lays right before me: to step off the bank of being a dependent "adolescent" and crossing over to become a fully functional, independent working adult. All previous transitions between different levels of education pale in comparison to this one singular move. I'm not a child anymore; I need to grow up.

"Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere." Psalms 84:10. My verse of the day.

painful massage

2007-04-25T00:02:00.000+08:00

And so, sunday did turn out to be a day of rest. I had my virgin experience of a full-body massage, and let me tell you, it was no pampering experience. The masseuse was hammering the bones at each side of my upper back, trying to get rid of the apparent air bubbles trapped underneath it. The force applied was the hardest my body has ever taken! And I received the usual comment of how my back was very "ying" (hard). After the session was over, I saw the masseuse flicking her wrists vigorously. It was as if her hands had just been through some samsui-kind of a manual labour. As for me, pure pain and exhaustion was written all over my face. My friend who came with me commented that when both the masseuse and I walked out, the masseuse looked completely worn out and I was utterly dazed. Indeed I was. The pain in my bones took away every ounce of common sense in me. It persisted till yesterday and caused something which happens very rarely to me: moodiness. It was most unpleasant to feel upset and not know why. I blame the pain for taking away my precious rationality. Today was better. The pain ebbed and my mood was lifted. Perhaps this episode tells me that some bodies are not meant for the kind of luxurious pampering the world subscribes to. I don't think I can take another moody session.

His ways are better

2007-04-22T00:33:00.000+08:00

Irrational thoughts are overwhelming me tonight. To forgive is humanly irrational, but all-Godly rational. Perhaps it is only by denying our human tendencies and doing what God wants us to do despite our human-ness crying the other way will we see the logic behind God's rules. I believe all rules have a purpose (but whether the purpose is adequately served by those rules is a another matter). God's rules are indisputably perfect, but it's sometimes difficult to understand why they are the way they are, especially when they are so hard to follow. Looking at it rationally, however, it is precisely because they are not easy to follow that they are made rules (for if they are easily obeyed, we would not call them rules anymore, Romans 7:7, 12-13). From a faith perspective, I guess the only way to truly comprehend God's rules for us is to simply obey them. I may not understand why, but I trust God that His rules will work the best in me.

It's been a non-stop 9-day working stretch for me. I haven't had a day's rest to myself and my brain is well and truly loaded. I'm considering making tomorrow a real Sabbath, one that will allow me some time alone with a nice book which is non-law. Unfinished work scattered around my desk still scares me, but I think the decision to take a break needs to be made, well, at least for the afternoon. If I feel frantic enough, I may type a few notes at night. Sigh. It's going to take a lot of trust (and willpower) for me not to touch my notes tomorrow.

gearing up

2007-04-18T00:02:00.000+08:00

"Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I'd stay up and think of you..."

One of my all-time favourite songs. Deep rich melody. Lulls me into a mellow, pensive mood.

It's been an intensive past four days with non-stop reading and massive feeding of information into my head and sadly, it doesn't look like it's going to slow down anytime soon. Sigh. Yes, what's new. It's exam period again. Seven cycles of it have numbed me to the stress; I'm too tired to be frantic. Have decided to just stick to my schedule and hope for the best. Appetite has definitely increased. I feel a lot more voracious more frequently, and because my house is not exactly well-stocked, I usually end up wandering aimlessly around the same few places looking for food. Opening the different levels of the fridge, looking at the bar-table for munchies, scanning the main dining table for leftover chinese new year goodies... A vagabond in my own home, heh.

pay rise

2007-04-12T00:28:00.000+08:00

Inasmuch as the debate on the ministerial's pay increase is taking a beating from everyone, I must offer in humility, my sincerest and most honest opinion, that I think our prime minister is a very good man, and one of the best leaders you can find. From listening to his speech and observing how tactfully he handled the issue, I must say he's certainly very sensitive, a virtue that is not widely-common and something which I highly value. What makes him such a persuasive speaker is the fact that he's not immune to the emotional aspects of this issue. When he says things like, "Logically speaking, it's the right thing to do, but I know it's very hard for people to emotionally accept it (paraphrased).", you can't help but feel drawn to him because you know that he's actually listening to the protests and not dismissing them as irrelevant. And he takes the effort to address each and every one of them. The immensity of passion with which he spoke at parliament even earned a comment from my mom, "Why is he so emotional about this?" It's therefore quite hard to believe that the reasons he gave are merely justifications to increase their individual kitty. And he's backing it up with concrete actions as well, pledging to give his increase for the next 5 years to charitable causes. Living by the benefit of the doubt philosophy.

friends lost

2007-04-11T23:18:00.000+08:00

In this rare moment of spare time, I took a trip down memory lane and looked at past photos with all the various people that had once walked into my life. There were many friendships that could've been stronger, closer, but somehow, maybe it was something I said or did, the friendship just didn't work out and we lost touch, we became less close, there seemed nothing more in common. I don't know. It pains me, sometimes.

looking forward

2007-04-11T00:33:00.000+08:00

There's comes a point in life when one suddenly realises that one doesn't have to look back anymore. Why keep past entries when they only rake up unpleasant thoughts? Why continue to hold on to writings that only remind one of immaturity and ignorance? What Apostle Paul says is right, "Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.." (Phil 3:13). The future is bright and beautiful for me. I have no need of history.

it's over

2007-04-08T22:47:00.000+08:00

and so, it is finished.

at long last, the last assignment i ever have to do for law is over. finally over. somehow it smacks of surrealism. i've been struggling with it for so long, and so hard, that when it is finally completed, and the burden that has been weighing on my head is suddenly lifted, i feel strangely uncertain. unsure of the next step i ought to take. for the past whole month, i can safely say that i have not gone through a single day without thinking about it. the stress and fear had gripped me so strongly that every waking and sleeping hour was filled with its thoughts. it refused to let me rest at all. even as i had already uploaded my paper, the heavy throbbing of my brain still remains, as though it has been accustomed to do so. i wonder what it's like to not think about my paper. it should be a novel experience.

"i don't know"

2007-04-07T21:13:00.000+08:00

I stumbled upon something. You know how it is often said that the more you know, the more you realise that you don't actually know anything at all? But it doesn't explain why you feel less afraid when you know more despite your increasing awareness of how little you know. I thought of two reasons and hopefully I can be coherent with these complicated thoughts.

First - when you start off not knowing anything, say for a particular topic, you feel insecure because you lack foundational knowledge. But as you slowly learn the ropes, you become more confident because of your firm foundation. In my opinion, advanced knowledge is built on basic knowledge so one will never feel insecure in the increasing awareness of one's ignorance because one has already mastered what is necessary. Second - the true value of acquiring knowledge is not to build your confidence in what you know, but to gain the confidence to acknowledge what you don't know.

It is the second reason that resonates more deeply with me. The richness of one's character is built on the honesty and humility to say "I don't know" when one really does not know.

still suffering

2007-04-07T16:21:00.000+08:00

This feels crazily familiar. I remember writing an entry exactly a week ago, right smack in the middle of a saturday afternoon amid similar heavy showers pouring just outside my balcony together with the low rumbling of an annoyed thunder. Sigh. It's just two days away from my deadline, and somehow even though I've attained the requisite number of words for my essay, there's a hollow feeling that something is still seriously lacking. But I've stared and I've pored over my essay since the second week of march, which is about a month ago, and have already drained my brain entirely of creative juices. I wish I could just send in my paper at this moment but I know it's so, so far from perfect. It's going to be two more pure hectic and frantic days scurrying through the 15-page document, editing, para-phrasing, adding and deleting information, putting in references and making sure everything flows and makes sense. This is by far the most difficult essay I've ever had to do in law school, and even though right now I'm suffering heavily for my impulsive choice, I hope that someday when I encounter a more difficult project, I can look back and take heart in the knowledge that I've done it before.

the awareness of change

2007-04-06T17:02:00.000+08:00

I'm not sure about others, but I tend to set my identity around the things that I like or dislike, or things I'm naturally inclined to do or not to do. And sometimes when a particular taste or inclination changes, it forces me to evaluate whether the core of who I am still remains. For instance, I've always believed that I could never work under any circumstances other than on home ground and in total solitude, but recent events have compelled me to pick up my laptop and head to the comp lab in school to work. And the more I work there, the more comfortable I feel and the more productive I have become. Which led me to re-evaluate my initial conviction about how I am unable to work with people around. Another more startling change is the realisation that I am increasingly unafraid of speaking in public. The past two class presentations had gone so smoothly without the usual display of stuttering and nervousness despite preparing very little for them has forced me to think whether this heralds the coming of a new serena. Because often, people who are able to speak in public have an inherent personality trait that allows them to blab spontaneously in front of people without flinching, something which quieter people usually don't possess, something which I thought I never had. So I don't know. I hope it's just practice-makes-perfect, because I very much prefer being a private person.

twist and turns

2007-04-03T23:40:00.000+08:00

super super super super super super stressed. the deadline for my essay is drawing dangerously close, and i want it to be as complete as i possibly can. i've drawn upon all my brain cells and thought about it as hard as i can, so much so that i can literally feel my brain is on fire. the heat emanating from my cranial region is giving my temples a massive ache. :( i wish i could give my 100% but there are other minute things bothering me at the same time, argh. and i've come to realise that being this intensely stressed actually makes me stupid. my brain can think of no other things at all, and sometimes i wonder if that's how people actually lose their common sense - through massive stress. sigh. i hope work in future doesn't turn me stupid. ironic isn't it.

beautiful rain

2007-03-31T16:46:00.000+08:00

It's a cosy saturday afternoon, a heavy shower has just passed and the cool air lingers loosely. My sense of smell was assaulted by the freshness and sweetness of the atmosphere. Everywhere is silent saved for the occasional delightful chirps and excited twittering of distant sparrows. In the midst of a brewing storm, my soul is stilled by the comfort and peace of the surroundings. Lying on my softest comforter, I am reminded that the simplest pleasure of life makes me happy.

tomorrow is uncertain

2007-03-30T21:05:00.000+08:00

Just a sudden attack at realising how unpredictable the future is. I hear stories of people losing their parents at a tender age, of break-ups occuring after a solid 4-5 years, of staunch christians losing their faith when power and money get to their heads... Somehow hearing these tragic stories opened my eyes to a world of unhappiness and grief. That truly we need God in our lives. We don't always understand the things that happened, and as we struggle through difficult periods, we will always ask God the inevitable question: why, why me? But through my experiences, I've come to know that God is real and I can always count on Him to bring me through life's darkest valleys. I know that given my obsessive need for order and certainty, I have a more-than-average desire for perfection in my life. And when things are not the way I want, I can be abnormally frustrated. But I've come to recognise that without these unpleasant experiences, I will never share the intimate relationship with God I now have. Holding His hand as I weather through life never felt more safe and secure. Indeed, life is such an unpredictable creature. I cannot imagine journeying it without Him. Guard my heart, God, and keep me close to You always.

James 4:13-16
Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil.

growing sadder

2007-03-28T22:28:00.000+08:00

Everyday as I trudge to school, I am reminded of how I am taking one step closer to reaching the end of my education life. 6+4+2+4 = 16 years in this Singapore education system. Much as I grunt and groan at having to mug for tests and examinations, and writing a gazillion essays, there's an indescribable sense of loss at leaving something which I've grown to love and endure. I know that the times I'm going to miss are those memorable ones spent with my kindred souls. We laughed together, we stressed together. Everyday we complain, everyday we endure, everyday we smile at one another. :) These are the mercy sprinkling of precious little trinkets of happiness found in this highly-stressful education system, and I'm not ready to let go of them just yet. I just played pool with my friends at the lounge today, and for those few minutes, I cease to worry about my impending essay and just fully indulge in the game. Pool is one of my favourite activities, and I had made my good friends through this shared interest. There is the usual thrash-talking around the table, but we all know it is done in good fun. This intangible love we share for pool begets our innate understanding for each other. These are the memories I'm going to look back in the future, and smile and tear at the same time.

movie break

2007-03-27T23:28:00.000+08:00

And so, for some strange reason, my parents wanted to catch Just Follow Law (even though it's been out since don't know when). So the four of us as a family headed down to Jurong Point to catch it, one of the last few places still showing it. Overall, it was alright. Probably the funniest part was the first performance of the job fair whereby the four main characters (fann wong and gurmit singh included) made horrendously funny faces to a cute tune. It was hilarious. My sister and I were screaming in laughter and doubling up in fits trying to catch our breaths in between our laughter. It was seriously one of the cutest, funniest sight I've ever seen. Somehow I think it's also the way they did it. They did it so daringly yet innocently. It's hard not to like them. ;)

I'm stressed with my essay. Sigh.

whew, it's over

2007-03-26T21:18:00.000+08:00

So the presentation came and went. And for the first time ever, I did not prepare any script. It was just pure notes in point form and whatever that came to my head at that moment. Granted I did practise my presentation once through at home, verbally out loud to myself, but that was about it. My voice quality improved slightly today; even though I was still croaking, but if I were a male frog, I would be able to at least attract some female attention, heh. The one important factor that made me feel comfortable speaking in front of the class was the fact that I was allowed to sit down. It was an informal presentation, so I utilised it to its best. Interestingly, my voice didn't quiver, and the more I spoke, the less my heart pounded. And I did enjoy sharing with the class my personal thoughts and views. The conclusion my tutor gave me was that my paper was rather bold in suggesting to do away with the WTO and I have to admit that that was partly the response I hoped to invoke, although I genuinely believed in my idealistic opinion. Ah well. At any rate, I'm glad it's over. Now to write my essay and tweak it a little.

no voice

2007-03-25T21:18:00.000+08:00

This is one of the worst sore throats I've experienced in a while. Sigh. I can barely speak. My voice is croaking worse than a frog's, and it hurts to produce an audible sound. I can only whisper or mouth the words. And it has to happen, of all times, just when I have a presentation tomorrow. I'm already pretty stressed out with the presentation itself, having to prepare the outline and not knowing what in the world I'm writing (argh), and now I wonder how I'm even going to voice it. Sigh. But given my phobia of standing in front of the class, maybe some leniency will be shown to me. Just maybe. SIGH. I'm just so tired and sick. I need rest.

it's nearing..

2007-03-24T17:12:00.000+08:00

Things are coming to an end all too quickly.

It was Law Ball 2007 last night. And despite all the year 4s griping about how expensive it was (it was made free for graduating students in the end) and how unappealing the law pageant contestants were (and still are), we had a swell time. People turned out well-dressed and well-groomed. The guys were dashing, the girls gorgeous. I had just the most amazing time going around the different tables and taking photos with the people whom I once had a connection with, be it in tutorial groups, having taken the same module, or simply shared a word once in our four years. Somehow I think that when one is about to move into a whole different chapter of one's life that one starts to cling on to past bonds more tightly. We're afraid of what the future holds, we don't want to let go of the comfort and security and happiness that the past gave us. I'd never thought I'd say this but, yes, I am happy with the friendships I've made in law. Some more solid than others, but overall, happy. :) I think back fondly on the laughter we shared through the years and last night, I think back of the difficult times my close friends faithfully held my hands through, I think of the deeper conversations I shared with some of them. And I wonder if I will cry at the last day of school, or at the last day of exams. It dawned on me that I have only three weeks left of my entire education. Three weeks. That's not a lot. Inasmuch as work is piling on me, I can't afford to skip classes now, not when there's only precious few left. I must attend all classes and bring my camera and take as many happy pictures as I can in these last few weeks to seal the happy memories forever.

God's strength

2007-03-22T00:33:00.000+08:00

Reading back my entries gives me some assurance that I can be as happy as I was before, if only I wanted to. My spirits were of the best of conditions, my mind was in tip-top shape, and I reflected and formulated thoughts better. I could tell from my words that pure joy was flowing from a warm and genuine spirit. Sure, some things may have cropped up since that seem to have changed the dimension of reality, but as I recall in one of my entries, the only thing that is preventing me from pursuing a happy life is my perception on the circumstance. Granted some aspects of reality are harder to accept than others, but if I truly deeply want to be happy, all I have to do is to muster the strength to beat it all. I cannot keep dwelling on things that I cannot change. I have to look forward and smile. Where will this strength come from? God, please grant it to me.

trust and obey, for there's no other way

2007-03-21T19:18:00.000+08:00

sigh i'm extremely stressed. things just suddenly pile up one after another. obligations that need to be fulfilled with no questions asked, things that demand your attention and energy, thoughts that continually plague you.. Lord, deliver me. please.

fantasia burrino

2007-03-17T10:47:00.000+08:00

I teared uncontrollably as I watched the unfolding of fantasia burrino's life on star movies. Truly, her life is an inspiration. In our parochial outlooks, we always tend to think that our lives have been through some impossible shit, and the pains we felt are incomprehensible by anyone. It makes us look inward, indulge in self-pity and puts us in the centre of our world. But if we were to take the effort and peek into other people's lives and see what they are going or have been through, we will be so ashamed of ever thinking that our lives were like a dumpster. fantasia, like all human beings, had made mistakes in her life. She paid dearly for her actions, and has been through immeasurable hurt and betrayal. If she were to give up on her life, no one would actually blame her. But her pain drew her closer to God, and at every step of her path, she relied on Him more and more. She is where she is now because of her utmost faith in Him. After looking at her life, I can no longer honestly say that my life was a wreck. The way God has worked in her life gives me hope that He too can make a good thing out of mine. He has, and I hope He continues to do so.

My friend spoke a powerful statement to me, "God is bigger than your mistakes; God is bigger than your fears." I'll remember this for a long time.

bowled over

2007-03-14T23:16:00.000+08:00

The speaker for today's corporate crime lesson was by far the best I've ever heard.

The topic was on corruption, and the man who spoke was a young chap at 37 and already the Head of Intelligence of the Corrupt Practices Investigation Bureau (CPIB). He started off by saying that he graduated from an economics background, dabbled in advertising thereafter for about 3 months before moving into the CPIB and has been there ever since. What impressed me the most was the way he so naturally and earnestly engaged the class. He didn't use very profound English; in fact, he spoke Singaporean english, peppered with occasional hokkien and chinese phrases. And instead of the word "have", he used "got" quite often, for example, "The CPIB got a few cases at hand..." I have to admit that I found it quite jarring at the beginning, having been used to listening to grammatically correct english for so long. But his passion for eradicating crime and complete honesty simply won me over. Never have I seen anyone put so much thought and conviction into his words. Like my friend said, "After hearing politically correct answers from [a certain high court judge] this morning, his answers are such a welcome relief and so refreshing!" Because, really, he speaks straight from his heart. Regardless of any antagonistic questions thrown at him, he simply answered them with his honest opinion, saying that he recognised these problems exist and he wished there's more he or his department could do, but there isn't. He doesn't try to gloss the issue nor become defensive. He was just being his honest, true and natural self. Very seldom do you come across such people, and for someone who was preparing to read her own notes during the talk, I didn't look at them the entire 2 1/2 hours. My eyes and my thoughts were solely concentrated on him during the entire period, and that's rare.

Truly, a wonderful person to know and befriend (if I could). He's one of those few persons you just can't help but like. I give him my utmost respect.

peace within

2007-03-11T17:45:00.000+08:00

a quiet sense of peace has taken over me. no longer tense, no longer clutching tightly. just letting go and letting things flow. God spoke to me during worship today, and He said "focus on Me". so i did.

back to God

2007-03-10T22:14:00.000+08:00

there comes a point where no amount of logicizing and rationalising can replace the comfort and security God affords. i recognise that now. God, forgive me and let me return to you fully.

a desperate plea

2007-03-09T23:29:00.000+08:00

God, God, please get me out of this dungeon.

killer essay

2007-03-07T21:04:00.000+08:00

Finally, I cannot escape the inevitable - a 5000-7500 word essay is waiting for me. Argh. In all honesty, I probably only have myself to blame, seeing how I chose this module despite knowing beforehand the heaviness of it. I don't know what I was thinking. Perhaps in my mind I thought that since I had done so many essays the previous semester, it was time to take up a notch and give myself a challenge before I graduate. Sigh. I wouldn't entirely say I wish I hadn't, but it's something I have to get through right now, so no point thinking back.

Thinking spree, here I come.

warming up

2007-03-04T17:55:00.000+08:00

And so, without any prior warning, I had to be on stage in front of hundreds of pairs of eyes. Due to some last minute hiccups, Joseph couldn't find any youth to read the scripture text for today, and in the end, he decided that he will just walk into the auditorium and get the first facilitator he sees. Lucky me. On one hand, I was extremely thrilled at the opportunity to practise my public speaking, yet on the other, I know I am SO bad at it that I was just praying not to make a fool of myself. I'm happy to report that it went well, and other people thought so too! I guess the real key is to speak slowly and deliberately. Thankfully my nerves didn't rankle that much. A sign of things to come? *crosses fingers* Two more school presentations this semester. Hopefully those go well.

breaky break

2007-02-28T20:34:00.000+08:00

I've come to appreciate the fact that the more time I spend away from my work, the more enthusiastic I am to return to it. Being disciplined is not about keeping to an intensive schedule; being disciplined is about forcing yourself to rest when you know you need it even though you may not feel like it. Because ultimately your body needs to rest, and if you don't do it periodically, it's likely that you will take a much longer break to recover from the continuous studying and being burnt out. And then it becomes an even bigger waste of time. Plus, with a clutter-free brain, my thoughts are sharpened and polished with less effort. So rest is indeed beneficial; I just need to remind myself constantly.

mind over matter

2007-02-25T18:01:00.000+08:00

my afternoon nap dreams are becoming more and more intense. take just now. i dreamt that i was back in my secondary school and playing around in the common area. my sister was there too, and in an untypical fashion she whacked my head with a hard, plastic waterbottle. those colourful ones that we used to carry when we were much younger. i felt the blow went right through my head, the wind was literally sucked out of me. suddenly everywhere became fainter and fainter. i struggled to stand, but eventually caved in to the weakness of my limbs and staggered abruptly to the ground. it was like a fainting spell. with my barely-there sight, i made out two security guards rushing forward, with utmost concern written all over their faces. one of them held me by my armpits and hoisted me to my feet, and slowly walked me to the canteen. i remembered lumbering my way to the canteen chairs, all the time feeling groggy and weak, and silently cursing my sis for behaving in such a rough manner. anyhow, the rest of the dream was spent just sitting in the canteen and recovering from the blow. i could very well imagined that if i had not suffered such a severe throbbing in my dream, i would have woken up much sooner. but because of the extreme realness of the pain, i felt my body telling my mind that i had to continue sleeping in order for me to fully recover, even though i somehow knew that the pain wasn't real. it's a classic case of mind over body, albeit the wrong way round.

memories

2007-02-22T23:33:00.000+08:00

one of the best ways to recollect memories is by reading emails, and the only way you can do so is by having an account as large as gmail's. i like reading what i wrote (it gives me a sense of the kind of person i was at that stage of my life or the frame of mind i was in when i was composing those emails), so i zoomed in on the 'sent mail' and selected interesting conversations to read. faces, voices, laughter, smells slowly flowed back to me. i literally spent my entire evening just staring into space, reminiscing the carefree days of youth, recalling more difficult times, and finally wondering whether and how all these experiences make up who i am today. are we really the sum of our past? i don't know. i've always prided myself in being able to sift the positive from the negative, and being affected is a choice in itself. but perhaps this constant sieving has become such an integral part of me only because of the existence of such experiences.

eyes away

2007-02-22T10:25:00.000+08:00

After days of being glued to the screen of this wretched laptop, I've finally decided to tear myself away from it and feast my eyes on some tangible words. Congratulate me, I'm sorta done with my corporate crime essay, although I'm overshot by 100+ words, there's extra information I still want to add, language needs major polishing and the footnotes look atrocious. But I don't care. My eyes need a break. My brain needs to relax. I need to read. Anything. Be it leisure or even preparing for my next assignment. I cannot bear looking at the essay any longer.

freedom

2007-02-21T15:07:00.000+08:00

Staying at home all day long is not for the faint-hearted. What I once revelled in, I now thoroughly detest. The quietness I sought after, the solitude I desired, were but empty concoctions of my over-imaginative mind. Stress is not the friend of seclusion; one can only find peace in one's lonesome self if one's mind is set free.

the ravages of time

2007-02-19T21:27:00.000+08:00

Time is merciless.

Just returned from malaysia. I had accompanied my dad to visit his old classmate, and he was telling me how much he couldn't recognise him because it was some 30 years ago since they last met up. I was surprised because I thought his friend looked young for his age, so there should be some resemblance to his younger self. During dinner, my dad suddenly decided to rummage through our photo cupboard and brought out his old photos, whereupon he produced evidence which proved just how much his friend had morphed. Needless to say, I was completely blown away by the difference. Indeed, my dad's friend looked nothing like his younger photos. See what time does to youth.

After dinner, the three of us (dad, mum and me) sat ourselves on the sofa, with my dad in the middle holding the album, giving us a commentary on each and every photo. I saw the younger photos of my aunts (and how pretty they were last time!), photos of my uncles (the young hunks posing confidently) and of course, younger photos of my dad and mum (this was the shocker!). Admittedly this was not the first time I've seen their younger photos, but still! My mom had such high cheekbones when she smiled and my dad was quite the looker, haha. They really did look like the perfect couple. It's just mind-blowing to know how time has wore them down. Beauty truly does come from simply being young.

Sometimes it's weird knowing that your parents are human too. They dated, they fell in love, got married, and had us. Nevertheless, it is still reassuring to know that nothing you do wrong now (or in the past) will ever really have a very major impact on you in the future. Life just goes on. It may seem too big to bear now, but really, 30 years down the road, no one remembers, and no one cares. The only thing that matters is being with your family and loved ones. My parents have survived their days of youth, and they are happy now. That's enough.

I wonder how I will look like in 30 years' time though. Heh, it's a scary thought.

dong, dong dong chiang

2007-02-17T15:34:00.000+08:00

I love sniffing the spirit of chinese new year in the air. It's just so warm and crisp and welcoming. Every chinese friend is getting ready to eat reunion dinner tonight; every chinese friend is prepared to observe the same traditions as you do. Perhaps that's the true reason of traditions? Nothing more than to forge this invisible bond we have with people of our own skin colour? Never mind what those traditions may mean? Chinese new year plant (the leaves that look like arrowhead), chinese new year goodies, oranges, spring-cleaning, no sweeping on the first day, big reunion dinners, hongbaos, wear red. I wonder if I am able to continue observing these traditions strictly to pass it on. My parents' generation grew up in a culture where their parents taught them everything they needed to know about chinese new year, and they obediently kept those traditions. But the environment I am nurtured in did not allow me to internalise these things; my parents simply continued doing the traditions without involving me or explaining to me the reasons behind them. Oh well. Maybe it will come naturally when the next generation arrives, that inexplicable desire to pass on whatever little you know to them.

Happy, happy chinese new year!

for the love of humanity

2007-02-15T21:27:00.000+08:00

haven't had a free day to myself for a long time... better start getting used to it, sigh.

I'm currently doing a paper on fraud, and the topic I've chosen to do is on insurance fraud. Having found a dearth of materials in the law library, I had no choice but to head down to the Hon Sui Sen Memorial library located at the Business School (which is now all the way at kent ridge) to source out for more material. They certainly have interesting books that take a different perspective. While the materials in the law library focused mainly on how the insureds/claimants try to cheat the insurance company by filing false or exaggerated claims, the books in the business library drew upon the unscrupulous methods which the insurance companies employ NOT to pay legitimate claims. This particular book written by Ray Bourhis, an American lawyer, illustrates a compelling story of how a woman who, disabled by a sharp pain beneath her elbow and could no longer practice chiropractic, was denied her rightful benefits for the reason that she was not entirely disabled because she could still do book-keeping. Sigh. Sometimes these stories really show how words in any context can be twisted and manipulated to the meaning you want. The compassionate spirit that supposedly pervades all humanity has been destroyed, all in the name of profits.

Surprisingly (or unsurprisingly), the study of law is basically the study of human behaviour. The cases I read just makes me wonder how such people can exist in the world (and further begs the question: are they really made in the image of God?) Sigh. I wonder if it's too naive of me to think right now that I will try to stand on the side of justice instead of the side of my clients (assuming these stands don't coincide). I wonder how much of myself I will lose when I begin practising. Will I continue to struggle doing the right thing, or will I gradually become weary and let myself be washed away with society's indoctrination?

I finally understand why being a christian and living in this world is so terribly heavy.

a quiet rest

2007-02-14T21:43:00.000+08:00

so today is supposed to be special? big hairy deal.

ah well, i'm just tired. my time has suddenly freed up so much. so much so that i actually find the time to do my personal reading on top of my law readings. so that's what i'm doing tonight. just staying at home, curled up on my big comfy sofa and reading to my heart's content. i find solace in words.