dreams...
american movies are big on dreams. so am i. i've always wondered what i see myself doing in ten years' time, twenty years' time, etc. i wonder if what i dream so heavily about now will come true. i wonder if there will be crossroads in my life where i have to choose between two big dreams. i wonder if there is a purpose in the creation of my life, and whether i am meant to meet it. i wonder whether the steps i've taken thus far and am about to take will draw me nearer or take me away from that dream.
life is such a mystery. there are so many permutations to the end. the job you choose, the people you meet, the experiences you go through, the books you read, the movies you watch, the places you travel to, the person you marry... each and every one of them play an important role in influencing the choices you make in life. some have a greater impact than others, but all nonetheless equally influential.
as i near the end of my pupillage, and embark on the real world for real, i wonder what other surprises life will throw at me. this afternoon i imagined myself working from now till 30 and then do a career switch to something totally different and new. but then i was reminded that at that age i would probably (God willing) be married, have a kid and paying off the mortgage on the house, so that's the worst time to do a career switch. sigh.
i know life's short, and there's so many things i want to do. yet at the back of my mind, one dream keeps recurring. it's as if that dream was the dream i was meant to do all along, and all the other things that i want to do are mere distractions, which are fun but ultimately frivolous and waste precious time and energy that i could have better spent it in fulfilling that dream. i don't know... if it's your will Lord, open the door/s for me.
developing world, a developing me
wow it's been ages since i've last been here. i guess it's just a telling sign of how absolutely busy i've been at work. interestingly, contrary to what most working adults tell me, i find working fun and more stimulating than studying. i think it's the knowledge that the work that you do is ultimately being appreciated in a tangible manner at the receiving end, and not tossed to some faceless marker who grades your papers because he/she is paid to do so. i like the idea of knowing that the consumer who desires my work uses it for a meaningful purpose, and is advancing the economy or world through my work. it's just the overall satisfaction of being able to contribute to society. i guess now i truly understand what it means to be a "you2 yong4 de2 ren2." (a useful person)
as i grow used to working life, i begin to develop different perspectives of the world and different theories of why the world works the way it does, and consequently how i think it should be worked in order for it to be better. of course i have my idealistic dream about how i think an utopian world ought to be run, ought to be organised, but i also recognise the limitations of my dream, chiefly that people don't share the same worldview or value system as i do, which will make it hard for them to accept my point of view. ever felt that you know you're so right about something and you're bursting to share with everyone the truth that you've found, and yet no one will believe you? it's the anguish i go through these days.
the important basis
It's been long. A sign of extreme busyness. If you work from 9-7 from monday to friday, and spend your weekends going out, there really isn't much time for one to sit at the computer and blog. Working life is really much more hectic than I imagined. The thing about me is, I like to take things slowly, I like to progress slowly, to be aware of the changes happening, reflect and contemplate whether this is the right move to make before I take the next step. This was possible during my education years (which explains why I always take much longer than my peers to get used to each education system) where things are just between yourself and the institution. The criteria there for succeeding is more objective. Work hard and you will excel. But in working life, it is a whole different game altogether. You suddenly take on the role of an employee, a servant in essence. You have a superior to answer to, and your success and well-being depends on (at times) the subjective preferences of your boss. Things which you studied in the abstract are now transformed into practical stuff right before your eyes, and it's not always pretty (like the raw ingredients before a beautiful cake is made). But you have no choice. You need to make a living. You need to develop skills to survive. You need to make yourself indispensable.
I am slowly getting used to it. Slowly, as usual. I still have a lot of questions about work along the way, and am still seeking advice from older, more experienced adults. But for now, I'm groping around, experimenting with different theories and outlook on working life, trying to understand the whole basis of working. I believe that it is only with a sound philosophical background on what work entails am I able to move forward. It is basically
understanding society.
sigh, real work
4 weeks into work. The festive season helped to cushion the impact, but as the new year starts, the real work begins to pile up, and I find myself having to work weekends. Sigh. Not intensively though, just research. But still, it's a drag to find your mind split two ways about spending your supposed free time. I don't ask for much, I just need my special time.
life beckons
Just started work again a couple of weeks ago, which explains my long absence. It's been quite delightful being back at work, strange as it may sound. For one, there's no homework, and whatever time I have outside work is mine to keep. For another, I'm earning money. :) It's good to know one is financially independent. The holiday season is here to enjoy. I'm just happy that life for me is finally starting.
give me hope
it's strange when the things you most hope and pray that it's not true always turns out to be.. that all-so-familiar feeling sinks in when you realise that the probability of it being true is more than 50% and you're just dreading the consequences and implications of it... i wish sometimes God wouldn't make such a sport out of me.
In other news, hurray! My stupid exams are finally over! Wow, I can safely say that I don't have to take any more exams by compulsion. From now on, it's just work and work. I know this sounds insane but I'm looking forward to returning to some practical work tomorrow, instead of just mugging my notes for seemingly lack of any real purpose. Putting what I've learnt into real practice makes learning more alive, somehow. I just hope my body can adjust to the sudden change. Again.
work beckons once more
I'm halfway through my exams, gearing towards the second half. Strangely, I'm looking forward to the end of it, even though it means returning back to the workplace. It dawned on me that all my life I've been an academic, so to speak, reading, studying, researching, culminating to that very last moment where I throw up everything I know on to the paper just so I can look forward to a well-deserved holiday. And then when that ends, it's back to yet another cycle. With this being potentially my final exams, I really feel like this is the moment my life begins. Work will be my only companion from now on, and its consistency and somewhat predictability will allow me to re-organise my life around it to do the things I truly want. I mean, there are other interests/passions in life I want to pursue but not necessarily workable income-wise, so hopefully once I'm settled into a stable work regime, I have more time to do other stuff which will make me grow in the direction I hope to go.
