elections and paper
The hottest place to be in right now is singapore.
I love reading the election news. Besides not wanting to be labelled as one of those younger generation singaporeans who are absolutely ignorant about politics, it's truly exciting to soak in the buzz of all that is happening. To know who is contesting what, the strengths and weaknesses of each side, what each party has to say about the other, how the defamation suit is going and the possible consequences... To put it simply, I'm a high-class kaypoh. I want to know everything. I want to have my opinion on this elections and the only way to do that is through knowing more. Sigh. If only I wasn't in the midst of my exams, I would read every single article in the straits times and possibly attend more rallies than I can at the present moment. Even though I am not voting. Boo. :( What a waste of being 21. Talking to law friends about politics is quite uplifting, especially since we already have a background knowledge of the system. Heh, public law has come in handy. I'm sure my lecturer will have a field day expressing her opinions.
Today's paper came and went. It went pretty alright, in my opinion, although I wasn't sure whether what I wrote is correct, but I simply refuse to discuss the content with a fellow classmate who did the same question, because we both agreed that it's over. Heh. My left arm is aching now, and my mental energy is zapped. I still have worry thoughts, but I must push them aside, for now.
sustain me, lord
I wish my life were fuller, with a steady routine, with more things to do other than to study. It's times like these when I get attacked easily by the most random and unwarranted thoughts, become the most sensitive and tend to over-analyse. I hate being a girl in this respect. Sigh.
moving fingers
I realised what keeps me from becoming insane with the weirdest thoughts entering my mind during this untimely period is the lightness of my fingers dancing across the keyboard typing my notes. If I'm left alone with just pure reading, the most idiotic thoughts will enter my mind and taunt everything that I believe in. And it affects me to no end. Sigh. I likened typing to playing the piano; the movement of the fingers somehow soothes my troubled soul. In the same way as the music emanated calms the piano player, so, too, does the expression of my words pacifies me. Expressing oneself in whatever form is always a healthy outlet.
ouch, my heart
My heart aches.
No, literally. It aches. I woke up this morning and for some strange reason, my heart was beating unusually fast. I could still handle it in the morning, but when I awoke from my afternoon nap, it was spinning out of control. My heart was beating so fast that I couldn't concentrate on my work properly. My body had to expend extra energy to slow it down, and this takes away precious mental energy for me to focus. I felt like my body was trying to tell me something. There are only two possible reasons: either I am anxious about something or I've been affected by something. However I can't seem to come up with anything remotely close to either of them. I was so desperate that I messaged my friend, who instantly called and provided me comfort. She told me to just not think so much about the possibilities but to take deep breaths. So I did. Took those deep 7-second breaths and yes, it worked wonders. I felt so much calmer and my heart gradually toned down its activity. Thankfully.
Right now, though, I suspect that due to all the beating of my heart against my ribcage, the bones near my heart aches. When I massage that area, there's a release of tension, as if it has been overworked. Strange.
struggle, struggle
There are pros and cons about having exams so far apart. It's definitely less stressful since each exam is seen as an isolated 'test', and there's sufficient time to study for each subject more fully. Yet because they are seen as individual tests and not exams as a whole, the urgency and motivation which I need so badly isn't coming to me. The natural inclination to study for it as if the end result doesn't matter is great, and I simply cannot comprehend why. Perhaps the lack of sufficient practice throughout this particular semester may have played a contributing factor, although it is too late to look back now. I really need to psyche myself to push on.
I'm slowly getting over my badly-done paper. Slowly. It still haunts me now and then, especially if I come across any word remotely related to corporate finance. Sigh. I do so badly want to go into this area, but I'm not sure if that's such a realistic dream anymore. It's difficult to sustain an interest in something which you don't seem to have the aptitude for. On the other hand, it's so easy to gain an interest in something you're naturally good at, even if you didn't happen to like it before. I'm still trying to figure out this very self-centered theory. Perhaps it's human to validate oneself through doing something you're talented in, and interest plays the all-important motivating factor in pursuing it. Another plausible reason could be one shouldn't let one's potential go to waste, and rather than people putting undue pressure, one simply has to convince that he/she has the interest in it, and that's sufficient reason to pursue it. Oh well.
I also seriously think something's wrong with my studying method. It's time for an overhaul.
who am I
After having been cooped up in my cage for ages, I decided that it was time to see the world. As the day was so blazing hot earlier, I made up my mind to go for a nice, healthy swim in the evening. So I worked the whole day with only one thought in mind - the end reward of a swim. When 5pm rolled by, the sky darkened and threatening clouds loomed, but that didn't stop me. I headed down to nus and swam a lovely 30 laps. It would have been nicer if the water's much much colder, with the heat of the sun beating against my back, but oh well, it was nevertheless an enjoyable form of exercise. I miss swimming so much!
Thoughts flow through me the most when I'm in solitude. Questions were bombarding my head non-stop, and postulation after postulation was proffered in relation to each question. It was a jungle up there, with native tribes beating their drums to screeching monkeys and trumpeting elephants. Heh. But I have figured out some stuff; others are still left unanswered. These questions I have are securely written, to be left to another day to ponder and ask. It is not time.
sigh, sigh
what is the standard? should I have a standard? is it applicable to me? what an iffy line.Sigh. If anyone's interested, today's paper went bad. It was difficult, the issues were hidden, there wasn't enough time (the usual complaint), and I didn't know how to do an entire question, which constitutes one-fifth of the marks. That really broke me, espeically when it could have been staring right in my face during the paper. Sigh. The rest of the other questions were also weirdly done, in a sense, I was almost guessing my way around, hoping that whatever I wrote is relevant to what the question was asking. Sigh. I hate coming out of the exam hall feeling this way. Strangely, in the past, it would have taken me a good whole day to pluck myself out of the indulgent self-pity state I would have been in. But surprisingly, today, I was just tired. I came home, gorged myself on a substantial portion of ben&jerry's, lay on my sofa, hugged my pillow and shed a few tears, before sitting up and telling myself that I might as well use the time to work instead. I probably was too tired to feel anguish, since this wasn't the first time. The sinking feeling will only drain me.
I'm lucky to have people who care though. It helps. :)
i'm a survivor
I felt like I just got snubbed, for no reason at all. Sigh. Am I being too sensitive, or was there a real reason behind that strange, abrupt behaviour? Sigh again.It's 2 days to the big day, and the sense of urgency is not in me. Exams shouldn't be held on fridays, seriously. It just erases the entire sombreness of it. Fridays are meant to be looked forward to, since it's at the end of the week. On the other hand, it could be seen as a good thing since there is no panic involved. I can just go and take the exam in my calm, normal self, and simply hope for the best, like I always do.
Ben&Jerry's ice cream have tided me through.
Smses and emails have tided me through.
3 meals a day, regular tv times and good sleeping hours have tided me through.
Occasional contact with people through msn have tided me through.
Most importantly, prayer everyday tides me through.
waking up from tiredness
I had been suffering from extreme fatigue for the past few days. For the life of me I couldn't understand why because I do my best to keep my regular hours of sleep and even study on a less intensive basis. I figured it out soon after. Yesterday I tried massaging my usual sore points - the areas near the curve from my neck to my shoulder - and I realised how tough my muscles actually were! I don't think I've ever felt them this hard before, especially the one on my right shoulder. I literally had to use brute strength to even make any progress on it. The moment my muscles became slightly soft, it seem to have sparked a chain reaction, leading to a momentarily breakdown of my entire body, which eventually resulted in the fatigue I was in. It was then I realised how truly tired I was, and how much my body was crying out for the sleep it so badly needed. I took a good 2 hour nap this afternoon - a truly deep one, with dreams vividly unfolding in my mind. Applied muscle relaxant cream earlier, plus more self-massaging. I think I'm better equipped now to tackle the next stage.
Thank you God, for pulling me through.
break-time nonsense
Sigh, at the scarily slow pace I'm going at, it's going to take a gigantic miracle to complete my studying in time. I contemplated reading faster and skimming through, but decided against it as I realised it's only going to give me a false sense of security that my studying is complete when in reality, I haven't really understood the subject matter at all. But I do still wish to complete on time... Sigh. I'm distracted too easily.
I've come to appreciate the skill and dexterity required to skin a mango. After dinner, I lay the beautiful yellow mango on one hand and held the knife with the other. With brute force, I tried to wield the knife into the skin, but the skin wouldn't budge! The toughness of it just prevented the knife from seeping in, no matter how hard I tried. As one can imagine, when I made my first dent and sliced a slip of the skin off, more flesh than skin came off. My father decided to show me the proper way. But by then, it was too late. Layers and layers of flesh started peeling and the juice was dripping all over my hands. What was supposed to be a beautifully cut mango ended up as broken strips of yellow flesh with juice spilling all over. Sigh. My homemaking skills are deplorable.
Watched Alex & Emma earlier. It's a lovely story, with snippets of fantasy and reality intricately woven into a highly complex plot. The way the characters and elements inter-relate with one another is amazing. It stimulates my mind yet tugs at my heart strings at the same time. I felt so much for Emma... I equally enjoyed the beautiful descriptive words that were pouring from Alex's mouth. Such language is to die for. I've always been captivated by how words can be tightly stringed together to convey the meaning in the most effective manner. It connotes intelligence. And I have a weakness for intelligence...
the usual...
my brain is exhausted, and i'm barely halfway through. aches appearing at familiar places are tell-tale signs of a worn out soul. i need stimulation.
no more excitement
slow and steady wins the race. hopefully.my life is officially boring. yet in a strange sense, i look forward to staying at home all day, with no commitments to distract me from my one ultimate goal, which is to mug. everyday is this monotonous production-line kind of pace, with the only times i look forward to are mealtimes, where i reward myself with a little tv too. and sleep of course. like now. zzz...
this is it
Feeling stressed and lonely.It's starting again, the cooping up of myself at home, my only company being words on papers and four walls silently staring back at me. The only air I breathe has been recycled by me for goodness knows how long. My mind struggles to focus, but it becomes a tiring exercise, and I lapse. I long for human contact, but I'm afraid to give in, lest it adds to another distracting factor. What a tussle. This hermitisation is robbing me of my basic human necessity - the company of similar beings. Will this reap its rewards in the end? I certainly hope so. I had my share of fun; it's time to pay the price.
the day's events
It's going to be a crazy 3 weeks ahead. Today's my last day of rest (although to say that would undermine the stress I'd been through). It's going to be hardcore work from now on.
My infocomm tutor kept us back till one plus today when our lesson was originally scheduled to end at twelve. By the last hour, I was already thinking with my stomach (which clearly means I wasn't thinking anymore). And at the rate he kept pushing us for an answer, I thought the class would never end. There's only so much I can absorb, and the technical aspect of it just killed me. It had been beneficial to stay till the end though; we needed all the help we could get for the exams.
Thereafter, during lunch, I had a most interesting conversation with two of my module mates. A guy and a girl. We were exhausting every view we had about relationships and the future. The guy, in particular, was telling us all about his previous relationships, his views on girls, his views on relationships in general, the types of girls his exes had been... It's always very interesting to hear a guy's perspective, although I do believe that it's because of his non-christian status that he holds such views. I do wonder, though, whether a christian guy's views would differ greatly, and whether it
should to begin with. Hm. :) But yes, if we had a choice, we would have talked for ages. It wasn't just confined to bgr issues, I guess. Common gripes about being labelled as law students, the weird law friends we have, gossip about the law people we love to hate... haha. I've never really talked to them on such a level before, but it felt comfortable. :) Oh yes, my guy friend had very candidly told me to my face before that I don't fit the bill of his idea of a typical scgs girl, because I wasn't pretty or demure enough. Haha. The first time I heard it, I was in shock (not because of his opinion - sure, he's entitled to any opinion he wants - but the fact that he actually told me about it); but oh well, I'm too thick-skinned to be bothered by it. Heh.
work awaits
I can't believe it, but my most dreaded assignment is actually (more or less) done. To think of how I even arrive at this stage is truly a miracle. It has been my staple academic diet since last tuesday. Perhaps it just goes to show that a solid week of nothing but this is more than sufficient. Heh. The quality of the work is a different matter altogether.
It's out of the pan and into the fire for me. The more difficult task of scheduling work for the exams awaits. To the inexperienced, planning is a thousand times harder than the actual execution of the work. If I had a solid plan, chances are my work will be equally good. In my mind, I've already set aside at least 2 hours to plan. And it has to be under the right conditions too. There's just too much junk to clear and too much new knowledge to learn (sigh) that this time round, a massive organisation is absolutely essential. It takes more than just a time-table.
escapism
My life is going to be extremely boring from now on. :( It's going to be hard to rack my brains for interesting things to ponder about, but at least this forces me to make an effort to, instead of simply dwelling in my miserable life. Argh.
I realised I'm slowly developing an escapist mindset, something which is pretty scary. It happens the most acutely when I'm taking my naps, a very fundamental necessity of my life (wonder how I'm going to survive when I start working). Even though I set my alarm for about 45 minutes, I invariably end up overshooting it to about 1 1/2 hour. This is especially so when I'm having such vivid dreams that just seem more enticing than my current reality, that I literally force myself back into my dream world whenever I'm rudely awaken by my alarm. My dreams are intensely real these days. It must be my route to escape from the drudgery. Sigh.
beyond comprehension
I returned from school in the afternoon and caught the later half of 50 First Dates on HBO. I realised now why people have said it was a very touching show. I couldn't believe I cried. It had such an unexpected yet perfect ending. Lucy never recovered from her disease of forgetting what happened the day before, yet Henry loved her so much that he worked at reminding her of what happened every single day through videos and even went on to marry her and have a child. It's truly a love that transcends all barriers - an unselfish love.
too late?
If I had a second chance at life, I would do what God wanted me to do from the very beginning.
sugar rush - chocolate buffet
Yet another night out with the girls. :)
We finally threw our senses away and indulged in the buffet that got everyone talking - the chocolate buffet at fullerton. It had, like the pictures on the web have shown, a rather paltry selection of desserts, disappointingly. But what they lacked in quantity, they certainly did make it up in quality. Some of them, at least. Nevertheless, looking back at the pictures, I could literally feel my mouth water again, even though I'm still carrying some of the weight around my waist, heh. Resistance is impossible. :P
This is my favourite picture. It captures the most desserts and looks absolutely tempting. Right at the top you see three types of cake. The far left is mint chocolate cake (ooo, I liked it very much!). The middle cake is fullerton chocolate cake (absolutely a must try! The chocolate is so rich!!). I can't remember the name of the third one on the right, but it tastes almost similar to the fullerton chocolate cake, except a little lighter because it is tempered with a fruity taste on the top (think it's mango). Below it are four rows of desserts. The top row is mandarin orange with chocolate, second row is coconut with chocolate, third row is tiramisu (although it didn't seem to taste like it, heh), and the last one is some cake which I can't remember now. :(
This is the infamous chocolate fountain. It's massive, and upon nearing it, you can actually hear the force of the chocolate rushing down the "terraces" through the loud gurgling sounds of the fountain. When you dip the fruits into it, you can actually feel the force. It's that powerful. There's strawberry (very big ones I must add), pineapple, honeydew, marshmellow and baked puffs.
This is a selection of the types of chocolate you can choose from when you want a hot chocolate. It is arranged from the most bitter to the sweetest, with the most bitter beginning with the chocolate nearest to us. I have a recent fondness for bitter chocolate, and upon the recommendation of the waiter making the hot chocolate, chose the most bitter. It was rich and tantalising, though only when it's hot. It cools down fast, and thickens easily. But a novel experience nevertheless. :)
itch no more...
When I saw the spots spreading to my calves last night, my internal siren went off, and I decided it was time to tell my parents. My mom was exceptionally alarmed to see the tons of red spots beneath my thighs. She gave me some cream which contains steroid and told me to apply on the areas which were itching me. After one application and a relatively good night's rest, my spots are indeed disappearing and the itching has more or less subsided. I'm so thankful. My mom did say it'll take a while for the allergic effects to wear off. 3 days since wednesday, this had better be the time to do so.
I realised once the effects wore off, I'm not so crazy anymore. Yesterday was probably one of the worst mental breakdowns I've suffered. I didn't cry exceptionally hard. It's just the tons of voices telling me the different tasks I have to do that coagulated into one big incoherent noise which I could not make out rationally. Stress is usually tempered by rationality, for me. But because the itch preoccupied my entire mind, I couldn't do anything about the ongoing stress, which resulted in the malfunctioning of my brain and body. It's unimaginably painful. OH well. Just pray that I will sustain this state of absolute control over my thoughts throughout the torturous month of April. Boo.
