save me...
I'm almost beyond repair. The itchiness is killing me. It's making me irritable, adding to my already very stressed state, and causing me to be just selfishly absorbed in my misery altogether. I wish I could just have one good cry, and purge my mind of all the poison that's eating my sanity away.
stress level abnormal
I'm very pleased with my attention span in class today. For the first time, I didn't tune out of people's presentations. In fact, I was earnestly paying attention to what they had to say, and could actually follow what they were getting at.
Today's topic was on derivatives. And, for those who have taken a course of finance, you would have appreciated the level of difficulty in understanding all the various terms. It was, and I quote from my favourite tutor ;p, "a completely different language" altogether. It was alien. Which was why I took extra effort to understand the readings. Ordinarily, I would just skim through to get the main gist, but this time round, I read into every word just so I could understand perfectly what forwards, futures, options, spots, swaps, equity swaps, interest rate swaps, etc are. And I'm glad that at least now I have a rather firm idea on what all these terminology mean. Heh.
Having an allergic reaction now. My entire back till the back of my thighs are filled with itchy spots. Thankfully they're tiny ones, so I know it isn't major. But the itchiness really irritates the hell out of me. And anti-histamine tablets aren't helping. :( Sigh. I'm thinking it's either something I ate, or my stress level has just gone over its limit.
past and present
I've chalked up 1,474 words worth of rubbish. Congratulate me.
My primary school friend suddenly messaged me on tuesday, asking to meet for lunch later. She also invited 2 other primary school friends along. I wonder how it's going to be like. I haven't seen these girls in ages. The last time I met them was in 2003, just before we entered uni. It's been 3 years since. I'm half-apprehensive.
I went to bed absolutely stressed. I woke up with the same intensity of madness in my head. I can only hope and pray that I can survive this ordeal.
Lord, grant me wisdom
I realised I can be such the bird-brain at times. In a bid to prove my intelligence with words, I often find myself trapped in undesirable situations. It's then I realised that maybe intelligence is not such an attractive quality after all. Maybe wisdom is.
workity work, dreamity dream
The human contact is at its most essential when one trudges the long lonely hours of the afternoon, ploughing through tons of nauseating papers which one has not the faintest clue... Vegetable cookies and the little msn conversations helped me get through the most trying period of the day...
On a happier note, I've written 970 words out of my 3000-word essay, albeit mostly unedited and shamelessly copied from noted commentators. Major adjustments and substantial footnotes are definitely in order. Sigh.
Daydreams are always necessary to survive such arduous tasks. I've laid out several plans once my exams are over. :)
1.
Travel. This is definitely a must! I don't know how or where, but I must travel to a place I've never been before to explore and experience their culture. :)
2.
Learn to cook/bake.3.
Tour Singapore for the best food!4.
Finish Mere Christianity! And other christian books that I've put on hold for ages.
5.
Cultivate a plant. Suggestions, anyone?
Dreams make surviving the present more sustainable.
the visit
Paid the overdue visit to my thyroid doctor today. Results of my blood test are within normal range, finally, although some results still teeter towards the extremes. But at least I feel normal. :) My doctor was alarmed to see me lose that much weight, although I did reassure him that it wasn't anything to do with my condition (at least I don't think so, since I'm feeling fine). He did say though, that anymore loss of weight and my bones will become brittle. That scared the hell out of me. I need to up my intake of calcium (oh no, I sound like an old lady!). I decided against asking my doctor about my family law tutor. I noticed the absence of the ring on his fourth finger, and didn't want to unnecessarily disturb his practice. After all, if it's already in the past, why dig up buried memories just for the sake of satisfying my selfish curiosity? So I left it be.
it begins...
I am dead stressed.
Looking at my calendar, I found out that I've only slightly over 3 weeks to my first paper. The familiar thoughts of entering into the exam hall knowing nothing except the mumbling of the lecturers seriously scares me. This is probably the worst semester ever. My modules were given to me late; I didn't study consistently throughout the semester like I normally did because of an unusual increase in commitments and ad-hoc events, which results in me doing just the bare minimum; my modules are surprisingly difficult (usually I can handle input of information quite easily). On top of that, I've got -
- My ongoing mentoring sessions (which, thankfully, is going to end soon, although I genuinely do like my mentee).
- To prepare for oc bible study this time round, as in, real hard-core preparation and not just mere facilitation.
- Responsibilities as co-young adults' head with darryl, although he has been handling almost everything so far.
In addition, my three dear working sc friends have no concept of what exams are, and are often asking me out. And having turned them down for so long, I feel obliged to at least hang out with them once before the real studying commences. Sigh.
But through it all, I still feel God's presence very acutely. Even in the midst of chaos, everything seems to be timed perfectly. For my studies now; for the future. Timing is everything.
bs and divorce
Just finished Mark 2 bible studies for the sec 1 girls tomorrow. Sigh. Preparing bible study should never be this last minute. It usually takes a lot of mental and spiritual preparation before one can launch into something as important and deep as this. Yet I thought that having done this book before in the young adults' group coupled with the experience gained from having led 3 bible studies before (of which one was on my own) could help me settle it in an hour. I estimated wrong. There's so much to consider. The kind of questions asked, the girls' level of understanding, whether the questions flow... It's tough, really. But at least it's done now.
The later part of family law has been concentrated on how matrimonial assets are divided upon the termination of marriage. And, as much as my tutor makes light of it, I somehow sense a tinge of bitterness when she approaches this topic. Rumour has it that she was divorced two years ago, and during that period when she was teaching the topic on divorce, she was very bitter. Understandably. I was reading the preface of her textbook and chanced upon her (ex-?)husband's name. To my utmost surprise, he's actually my thyroid doctor! So all the more I feel for the both of them when I know that what was once a happy marriage disintegrated into less than nothing. Sigh. Divorce is such a scary thought. Even after reading so many cases on it, it doesn't immunise me to the fact that divorce is painful and full of suffering. It becomes ugly when dirty linen is washed in public merely for the sake of obtaining what you think is rightfully yours. This is in addition to the emotional trauma both spouses must be going through. It's extremely heartbreaking.
delusion
i was having such a wonderful time. i saw the smiles, i heard the laughter, i felt such joy and happiness overflow the room... and then my eyes opened, and only silence and emptiness returned.
voice control
The bane of my existence: my inability to speak publicly. :(
My worst fears were realised today - I stumbled in front of the class. Badly. :( But it was an interesting turn of events.
My friend and I were representing our team to speak. As usual, I knew that I've never been good with public speaking, and was anxiously awaiting my turn. I took deep breaths; I told myself that it's going to be fine; I prayed really hard that God would be the one speaking instead of me. But the moment the lawyer called out our team and I stood up to walk towards the front, I could already feel the tremendous pounding in my heart. It's completely unstoppable.
I had my notes with me. I knew what I wanted to say. Yet when I opened my mouth, the words that came out of me stumbled helter-skelter. It was downright embarrassing. Try as I might to mask the trembling of my voice, it was without much success. I could feel the many pairs of eyes just staring straight at me, scrutinising every part of me. I logically knew that all they wanted was to listen to what I had to say, yet my heart was just beating non-stop like a lion dance drum. It was pounding so hard I could feel it banging against my ribcage, which in turn caused my hands to tremble, and my voice to quiver. But I told myself: the presentation must go on, I can't give up now. So I mustered whatever strength I had left and just produced the notes the way it should.
The lawyer who was grading us was surprisingly lenient. First, he "allowed" us to cut short our presentation by selecting the parts he wanted us to present (we gave him our outline before the presentation). And it so happens that the part which my friend presented appealed to him greatly. He kept saying that this was a very good point, and he was very glad that we spotted it. In comparison to the other groups who spoke, on average, for 13 minutes, we got away with barely 5 minutes and with minimal questions asked. On top of that, we found out that we actually got an A. It was incredulous. What with my terrible delivery, the shortness of our presentation, and the use of microsoft word instead of professionally-done powerpoint slides, it was absolutely amazing how we obtained that grade.
When the presentation ended, everyone I asked (and I mean everyone) said that I was like a nervous wreck up there. Sigh. My reputation will go down in history - as the girl who speaks like a broken recorder. But surprisingly, they said that even though I was nervous, the delivery was effective and they could understand the point I was making. Perhaps that is my saving grace.
fixated on dreams
I apologise for having sporadic outbursts of incoherent words.
I thought I could get away with presenting this semester, but it seems that my luck has ran out. I was tasked (indirectly) by my group to do a presentation this afternoon on securitisation. Fortunately, I happen to pay extra attention during this lecture and could grasp the essence of this topic. Spent the entire morning with my friend just working through the details and typing out our presentation layout. My part is done for now, so I'm basically waiting for her side. It's fun to work, IF you know what is going on.
I haven't presented in ages. The thought of standing in front of a group of students, local (more than half are older than me) and foreign, as well as practising lawyers, intimidates me. This is no longer like the little presentation I did last semester, where only about 14 pairs of eyes were on me. Today, there'll be a good 80 pairs of eyes, boring straight into my face, scrutinising not just everything I say, but the way I stand, how I present, what I'm wearing (so I figure since this is something I'm guilty of myself)... It's seriously scary to have so much attention paid to you, especially when you personally don't even notice it yourself. It helps that my friend's with me. :)
I'm still in a state of reality denial, even as I go about executing my daily responsibilites. My body is moving in a decided way because it's been conditioned to do so, but my brain isn't in it anymore. At least, not yet.
beyond the present
The morning's weather is perfect. Cloudy blue, temperate cool. Dream-like effect. I dislike reality.
gazing
i feel better now. with my handy-dandy schedule, i'm able to focus on my work more properly without becoming too bogged down with thoughts. every once in a while, however, when work loses its hold on me, i suddenly begin to stare deeply into space, with memories flashing across my mind, playing itself as if it happened just yesterday.. i literally lose myself in a matter of minutes, intensely gazing at my notes yet not registering anything. when i finally awake from my daydreaming, i wonder where i am.
water from within
for some strange reason, there's too many things happening at the same time that i feel emotionally spent. my grandma passed away two weeks ago, found out my jc classmate has cancer of the neck, a dear small group friend just took off, another small group friend's grandma also passed away... it's the season of tears.
tears
He knows my nameHe knows my every thoughtHe sees each tear that fallsAnd hears me when I callAnd hears me when I call...
save me..
I can't do this. I'm so emotionally stressed and I have so many things to do. I can't complete everything. I just want to break down and cry...
work fills the growing void
This week is going to be a madhouse. I've got quite a major presentation this thursday, and it doesn't help that my groupmates are the slacker type. I've decided to start on my long overdue assignment, which is supposed to be roughly 3000 words long and due april 12. I'm to lead romans 4 for bible study this friday (this really requires loads of preparation, which I only started today. :( ) On top of that, a cloud of impending sadness is weighing heavily upon me. Sigh. It's a struggle to carry on life as if nothing is going to happen, yet consciously know that something major is about to take place. The stone that sits on my heart grows heavier by the day..
On the upside, as I was researching for my presentation yesterday, I chanced upon this fantastic website.
thefreedictionary.com It has EVERYTHING! Legal dictionary, medical dictionary, financial dictionary, wikipedia encyclopedia, etc. It's truly a wealth of knowledge. Just type in any word and relevant information will pop up. More trivia than anything actually. :)
Lord, please grant me strength. I can't go through this alone.
struggling within
Just set up my working schedule for this week. It's been a long while since I've done so. From the beginning of this semester, unexpected ad-hoc events kept popping up, and coupled that with extensive going-out, planning became an invisible visitor, knocking daily on my door, only to be rejected by me time and again. I led my days with no concept of work, no concept of what I'm going to accomplish for the day, only with whatever I felt comfortable with at that moment. Temporary addiction to a lackadaisical lifestyle could probably serve my immediate wants, but will not sustain my long-term desires. So I need to get back on track. I need to find that critical balance. Scheduling has lent me a footing to tide me over this transition period. I can only pray that this will be a permanent feature once the craziness is over.
this is not the right time. i know it. but my heart grows heavier...
God is good
I'm beginning to fall asleep in lessons more and more easily, despite having more than sufficient rest the night before. And I'm getting worried. I've no idea what's happening to me. Are the lessons too boring? Did I not prepare enough which results in me becoming disinterested in class? Do I have other concerns swimming in my head? Am I drained from within? Perhaps it's an accumulation of all these that have led to the inability of my eyes to stay open in lessons.
The Lord has been real to me the past few days. To experience Him in a most miraculous manner is something that never fails to amaze me each time. He's so real! I can't believe otherwise.
restoration
it's been a really long week. but i'm still here. just non-existent for the past few days. lots of things happening, but sometimes peppered with nice moments. :) i seriously need strength to get through this semester. my work is in shambles. everything is haywire. sigh.
supremely happy :)
It's been a most delirious day. :)
It started out bad, woke up with a major headache, with no less credit given to the weighty issues which sat on my head. Sigh. This was exacerbated by the fact that I had to sit through an unusually sleepy family law tutorial on guardianship and custody. Spent most of the time messaging just to keep awake. ;p
BUT. The day just got better. I checked my email and it turns out I got an internship at Stamford Law Corp! Woohoo! I was ecstatic, partly because I never dreamed that I would be able to get an internship at all, with my sub-standard grades. :( But with all miraculous gratitude, I thank God for this opportunity to at least find some work in a law firm, to really garner a feel for legal work. And it so happens that it fits nicely into my schedule, and perhaps the mission trip could once again be contemplated. :)
My sis called me to exclaim the good news to me. She got 3As and 1B for her results! Yet another Woohoo! For some strange reason, I genuinely feel happy for her, even though she has done better than me. I mean, for the past two rounds (PSLE and 'O' levels), she's been somewhat living in my shadow because I've always scored better and am the best among my cousins. I know I didn't perform particularly outstanding for my 'A' levels, and while I could boil it down to several key factors, perhaps there's really no one to blame but me and my lack of intelligence. Yet, this pride that has accompanied me throughout these years did not stand in the way of my heartfelt happiness for her, even when she exclaimed that she's beaten me. But it's a nice feeling, to be happy for someone, to be even proud of her. I actually feel that I'm the one who's gotten such fantastic results, and not her. :) I've never had this feeling before, but it's a wonderful one.
