perfect weather
An unexpected free day since my lecturer cancelled my one and only afternoon lecture for today. Singapore's weather has been increasingly cool the past few days. My friend remarked that it feels like autumn. The sun still shines brightly, but the low temperatures coupled with very cold strong winds tempers it to 24-25 degrees celcius, a perfect day to walk around (if I had the luxury to, sigh). It's really really lovely, and I guess I'm just lucky to live on higher ground to experience the full blast of the tremendous winds. It's amazing to just stand on my balcony and look faraway into the horizon to see the brightness of the sun lighting up even the furthest of places, and to feel the powerful winds lick the ends of my hair in all directions. I love this un-Singaporean weather, heh.
beauty within
I see white, wispy clouds hanging gently around the tips of bukit timah hill from my balcony. They look so sweet and humble, oblivious to the beauty they are creating with their simple presence. Their shyness draws me.
It's been a most relaxing past two days.
theorymaking
Truth is stranger than fiction. I think inherent in all of us is a desire to understand how the world moves, what makes it tick and why it is the way it is, in the past and now. It is my personal belief that it all boils down to the basic human nature. The world moves only because people move it. So to put things together, if we can only understand what human beings think and why, will we then be able to make sense of this world. Which is why I often have so many theories floating around in my head, frequently giving reasons (valid or otherwise) to humans' behaviour. I refuse to believe that anyone's behaviour is inherent. There must always be some obscure reason (be it childhood, parents' influence, peers, personal experiences) that leads to who the person is today. And as such, I try to "collect" as many experiences from different people as possible to form a hypothesis, and test it out to see if it works with new persons; if it doesn't, then I will find yet another reason and make it an exception (kinda like forming laws, you know). But I soon discover that the more I investigate, the more I begin to realise that humans are impossible to predict and is thus impossible to form a perfect hypothesis. There will always be someone who doesn't fall squarely into the category, someone whose behaviour is irrational, someone I can't find a reason for living. Perhaps it is an increasing realisation that every human is unique, and no one is possible to predict. Time changes everyone. Events change anyone. Maybe I should abandon my quest to seek the perfect rational human being - it doesn't exist.
petition
Time is not my friend. Energy is limited. Work is neverending. Commitments are ongoing. Tired, stressed, frustrated, sad. Will tears be my only companion? Will they provide the comfort and outlet that I deeply desire? Will indulgence in self-pity be the answer to my problems? Solitude, solitude, come and rescue me.
happy food
A sure sign that I am stressed? By the amount of food I stuffed myself with, albeit excellent food. For dinner, I had a relatively huge bowl of salad topped with roasted almonds, roasted cashews, raisins and with my sister's special recipe sauce. Then it was fried rice with chilli beans and ikan bilis, and mince meat egg. Then it was dessert, and I had a slice of japanese green tea cake with red bean paste in between AND my mom's chocolate fudge cake with a scoop of vanilla ice cream at the side. To end it off, I downed several grapes. All in the name of good food and stress, heh. But I feel slightly happier thinking of the delicious food that went into me.
Back to work.
please give me peace
I'm well and truly stressed. Schoolwork is piling up like nobody's business (partly my fault for choosing research papers, sigh), church commitments, family obligations, social interactions. I'm torn to shreds with all these pulling me in different directions. There is only so much time and energy I have, please spare a thought for me. Sigh, and it's only the second week of school.
I was so stressed earlier that my nap was fitful, with thoughts of the amount of things I have to do hitting my head every few seconds, like a vicious hammer. My heart was crying out to stop the pain in my head. It was then I realised that I had been relying on my own strength to get through the week, and I had forgotten that the almighty God with infinite strength was there for me to call upon whenever I need. So I did. I prayed most earnestly and sincerely for Him to comfort me and grant me strength. No prizes for guessing what happened in the end.
johor rain
A day trip to Muar and back. And true to the reports, it was pouring like mad. The muddy waters along the highway rose to unbelievable heights, flooding some of the "handmade" houses along the roads, and the waters rushed down the mountainous slopes with incredible speed and strength. It was unthinkable to be stranded in that area in such conditions. The clouds sunk very low too, some of which hang wispily around the slopes of the surrounding mountains, creating a somewhat serene effect amidst the heavy downpour. It was surreal to drive through the clouds and see that everything around you is white and misty. Perhaps even in the heaviest of storms, there always exists a pretty picture to be admired.
reading writings
There's something about reading your past writings and journal entries that stir in you an inexplicable sense of warmth and well-being. Like you're reconnected to your soul, and being comforted by the fact that the soul you had before is exactly the same soul you have now, only more refined. While change is inevitable and, as they say, the only constant in life, I am somehow rootedly against the idea of change. I've always viewed it (strangely) as an erosion of my being and sometimes if I do detect the ways in which I've changed from the past, my soul mourns for the loss of my identity. It is this fear that forces me to constantly look back at the events in my life to check and see if they've changed me and if so, whether the change is good and worthy of maintenance or bad and needs ridding of. Sigh. It's a heavy task to carry, but oh-so-absolutely necessary. At least to me.
fly away, fly away
The past two days have been less depressing, reason being that I pretended schoolwork doesn't exist and just indulged for the moment. ;) It's really an escapist mindset, but truly, one can only enjoy if one puts aside all other commitments and responsibilities and just LIVE for the moment. It's just so amazing and magical. Truly uplifting. :) I guess I'm trying to console myself that it being the first week of school, I can afford to slack a little before plunging into the deep sea. :( Sigh, reality really sucks. But perhaps reality is there for the reason of making fantasy taste sweeter. ;)
In other news, I finally caught Borat, my second R21 show. Okay, I have to admit, I didn't expect the visual assault to be so violent (male nudity is 100 times worse than female nudity) but like what every write-up said, it was simply hilarious. The way Sacha Baron Cohen made fun of the USA is superb, from New York all the way to California. And I was surprised that the footage was not filmed! Everything seemed to be real and spontaneous, except for the character of Borat. Supremely funny and witty, but need nerves of steel (for the eyes) to take that kind of footage. Gosh.
the usual issues
Sigh, it's been an eventful first two days of school. I've just discovered the huge pothole I have dug for myself by choosing to take a research paper on Trade in Asia. My tutor was certainly not the warm and friendly person I had envisaged (as to why on earth I thought that, I have no idea). But Securities Regulation was somewhat heartening, in a sense, since most of what my tutor was saying was generally a repeat of what I had learnt in Int'l Corporate Finance. Plus with constant input from my dad since young, I generally have a good sense of financial terms even with paying half attention. To avoid complacency though, I understand that having an interest and general knowledge may not amount to competent grades (which sadly is what school is about, somewhat), so just got to work harder. A pleasant surprise greeted me this morning as I found out that one of my afternoon classes was cancelled, so hooray, more time for me to read my notes (haha). Irritating itchy red spots have been appearing all over me for quite some time now, and I'm just praying that loratadine will do the trick; otherwise it's off to the doctor's for me (again, sigh). My body is just not receptive to the idea of having to study again.
distressed signals
Sigh, sigh. School starts in less than 24 hours, and to give an idea of how stressed I am, in my afternoon nap, I dreamt that I was crying profusely, frantically panicking how I am going to tackle the coming semester with almost my entire braincells having fallen asleep during the holidays. And it was so real that I woke up surprised that I wasn't dripping with tears. Sigh. The mental ache of having to cope with the arrival of tomorrow is still torturing my troubled soul. And atop of which I still have ongoing commitments with my small group (which I'm now handling alone, sigh) and my facilitation with the youths. This juggling act is only going to worsen. I can only pray for the absolute clarity of mind (something which I've been sorely lacking recently) to carry out the responsibilities that I have shouldered. God, be with me.
miss my hols
Sigh. It's with a heavy heart that I hit the realisation that school begins in exactly 3 days. The timetable with venues are out, tutors and lecturers have started sending us emails detailing their plans for the class and what to expect in the coming semester. There are pages of notes to print, statutes to download, numerous readings to read and most importantly, getting my mind mentally ready to face the challenges of yet another semester. I still can't get over the fact that my lovely lovely hols with no end in sight to the amount of time I have to enjoy would be cruelly robbed away from me in just a few days' time. I cry for the little time I have left. I cry for the work that will soon pile up on me that will steal those precious days of nothingness that I've indulged in thus far. It kills me to know that all these wonderful times that I've been spoiling myself with is going to be taken away from me very soon. Sigh.
It also hasn't sunk in that this will be the last studying period of my life (post-grad not barring). I will no longer be in school after early may. It's a frightening thought but it's just too far away at the moment to think about it. What a year it's going to be. God be with me.
heaviness
Sigh. I don't think I can tolerate talking to people who have no sense of logic, who only think of themselves and who insist on their ways even when they are so obviously in the wrong. The right way to treat these people and also prevent myself from sinking further into sin is to avoid them. But there are some people who are just unavoidable...
God, save me. Teach me what to do.
happy hols
It's been an activity-filled past two days of the new year and I've been enjoying and indulging myself so much I feel extremely happy. :) It's yet another round of feasting and merrymaking, and just immersing yourself in the fellowship and company of loved ones. The smiles and laughter, the crazy things your young cousins get up to, the shared delight all around the circle... Sigh. Last night's family gathering was a blast. We laughed so much our sides ached, our cheek muscles ached, our tummies ached, and there was so much clapping-of-hands laughter that I can't recall the number of explosive sounds I created. Sigh. It's an incredibly happy feeling.
No, NO.. I don't want school to start. :(
