Monday, January 30, 2006

cny in m'sia

Just returned home from my traditional visit to malaysia over the chinese new year hols, as most of my paternal relatives stay there. I realised I never know what goes on in singapore on the first and second day of cny because as far back as my memory fetches me, I've been going to malaysia on these two days since the day I was born. :) But it's not a tradition I would give up anyway.

Unlike previous years, my family managed to do something more concrete and worthwhile during our stay this time.

1. In the evening of the first day, my family went down to the muar river to take a walk. On the way, we passed by a park that was literally over-swarmed with monkeys!

Yes, this is the bush where the most monkeys reside. Count and see how many you can find. :P

This is the Muar river. The building across it is the sultan's palace, although according to my dad, the sultan doesn't stay there half the time. Heh.

2. After we returned from the walk, I came home to a badminton net set up by my relatives! Immediately I seized upon the opportunity to play; heh, I didn't realised I missed it so much! :) Played with my cousin, who, born also in the year of the rat, is 12 years younger than me. And yet, he can hold a relatively consistent game with me. Amazing. :P But I won anyway, 15-7.

Yep, this was the sight that enticed me to play from 7pm till about 8pm, when it was almost completely dark, and my cousin and I had trouble even seeing where the shuttlecock was flying. :P

3. The next day, after breakfast, my family brought my sister to practise her driving. :) My uncle had a manual car, so we drove to a secluded area to let her drive to her heart's content. I had a turn at it as well, and I rediscovered my love for the shifting of the gears. Sigh. I so want to buy a manual car when I am able to. :)


The place that we drove to was a picturesque garden, with varieties of plants one can only find in books. My sis and I, taken at the top of a stack of huge rocks, and plants having young red leaves completing the picture.

It was in all, a nice relaxing holiday. Sigh. No more of that in sight in the days to come.

Friday, January 27, 2006

must drive carefully

Nearly got into a car accident again. Sigh. I really need to constantly remind myself to slow down, don't overtake too quickly, don't cut into someone's lane too late, and most important, don't be complacent! :( Sigh.

As I was heading to west mall in the evening, I drove in a turning-right lane which had heaps of vehicles all lined up, so I wanted to move left. And as I was going at a pretty fast pace and didn't want to slow down, I immediately clicked my left indicator and swerved to the left lane. I checked my left mirror before doing so and saw that a white toyota wish car was way behind. But somehow it suddenly geared up and came very close to me as I was changing lanes, making it almost impossible for me to move. It was at that split second that I had to decide whether to move left or stay in the lane as I was. But at the speed my car was going, I knew that I didn't had time to stop my car from banging the vehicles in the turning-right lane, so I just went ahead with turning left. The white toyota came to halt less than an inch away, and horned at me at its loudest. My heart jumped. I saw how close we came to metal-against-metal. It was by pure grace that I managed to escape the accident. The driver of the toyota wish car actually drove up beside me and wanted to talk to me, I think, but I kept my gaze squarely in front. It's only when the toyota drove further up, that I mustered some courage to turn and look at him, only to see him winding back up his window. Sigh.

Close shave, too close in fact. I need a constant reminder to drive carefully. I can't continue like this. Sigh. Please remind me to be a careful driver whenever you see me. :) I would greatly appreciate it. :) :)

Thursday, January 26, 2006

the world looks bright

Finally, there's stability in my life. I've got my modules! Woo hoo!

Never had my modules given me so much distress before. The night before, my entire head was filled with images of modules, albeit in various creative forms my brain could conjure. I remembered just frantically worrying about whether I could get my modules, and imagining the facial expressions that I would have as the results pop out at me on the computer screen. And basically just preparing myself for the absolute worst.

So imagine my utmost delight when the words "Family Law" and "International Corporate Finance" stared straight back at me when I checked my module allocation in school this afternoon. I was literally beaming from ear to ear, and my heart felt this sense of lightness that I haven't felt in ages. Finally, a burden off my chest. Finally, I could get down to serious, proper work and start building my neat stash of notes, as always. The sense of rootedness and belonging never felt so good before. This is tantamout to someone who's been unemployed and finally getting the job he wants! Woo hoo! It's the exact same feeling! Work has never looked more appealing to me. :)

Yeah, God has been good to me. Am really truly grateful to Him for granting me the desires of my heart, even though He didn't have to. Guess it's all part of His plan. Although I'm currently not far-sighted enough to see what His purpose was in delaying my modules as yet, but I know I'll find out soon. Already one good thing came out of it. :) My sister made a surprising statement as I told her about my modules. She said she's been praying about it for me! It's just nice to know that someone cares enough for you to keep you in her prayers. :)

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

lost

As I awoke from my afternoon nap, a strange combination of loss, loneliness and emptiness engulfed me. I haven't felt this way for a long time. I just lay there in cold, letting the hollow feeling slowly eat me away to self-pity. I found myself saying, my life is so meaningless. It's a sinking feeling not even to know why you're alive on this earth. There's just so much negativity and pessimistism within me; I can't get used to it.

It's a result of myriad of factors - yesterday's outing, today's free day from school (from which I'm void of all human contact and therefore my feelings start wandering), and the perpetual uncertainty of my modules (which halts all work, and thus I don't have a concrete routine to ground me).

I hate feelings.

experiencing yourself

A short article in the newspapers today reported that according to some mathematician, he calculated that Monday, 23 Jan would be the gloomiest day of this year. I don't know about gloomiest, but it certainly held some element of truth for me.

Independence and stability had always worked well for me. Never had I to worry about how I am going to feel the next moment, or whether this is the right thing to say or do. I was just living my life by myself, for myself. The presence of a wanted figure in my life ruins me. The irony of it all.

An interesting discovery. I realised that in Singapore, all those who come from the prestigious schools have one thing in common: absolute pride in themselves (although this is not exclusive to them). Their values and perceptions of the world may differ, but the similarity of their personalities is just so striking. Competitive, subtle boasting through joking means, swift defence when being attacked on their opinions albeit masked well by the reason that it's merely an exchange of ideas, constant criticism...

When two people are so similar, it's like looking at yourself from an objective perspective and recognising all the flaws already present in you.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

feeling happy...

It's been a wonderful friday. :)

Our small group had just completed studying Mark, so we decided to take a break from all those intensive studying and do something fun for a change. Adrian and Jean kindly lent us their house to have dinner in and chill, and even booked the tennis court for us to play captain's ball. It was a night of pure fun. I haven't felt so relaxed for such a long time. I haven't laughed my guts out for so long ever since school started. It feels like the christmas party all over again. Sigh. If only these days could last forever.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

the pain of others

My heart hurts the most whenever I hear of quarrels between couples, especially of those people who are close and dear to me. Gosh, my heart just bleeds for them. I just wish I could alleviate their pain in some way or another. I don't know why I feel this way either, especially since I'm not involved in it at all. But I guess I emphatise perfectly why emotional pain is one of the greatest sufferings one can undergo. The tears, the sorrow, the anguish, the pain... I just hate to see it happening to the people I love. All I can do now is pray for them, and if they allow me, to listen to them too, and offer comfort and penny's worth of advice. Sigh.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

pride

I'm slowly kicking into the groove of school. It is still extremely hard, because I'm not used to juggling work and play, but I'm getting there. Hopefully when school settles down by next wednesday, my brain will adjust accordingly and bring me back right on track. :)

I've shared with a brother in law (haha, a brother-in-christ who is in law school) about my struggles to keep up with the pressures of excelling amidst the shoals of intellectuals who seem to breeze through the curriculum with absolute ease. And I find that academically, it never fails to lower the value I place upon myself, and it is only with repeated reminders that I somehow manage to pull myself out of the bottomless pit of self-deprecation which I frequently find myself falling into. My dear brother then kindly zap a chapter from a book by CS Lewis called Mere Christianity to encourage me. I found it entirely enriching and an essential read for anyone who struggles with pride and self-esteem, something which I do too. Here's an excerpt:

The Christians are right: it is Pride which has been the chief cause of misery in every nation and every family since the world began. Other vices may sometimes bring people together: you may find good fellowship and jokes and friendliness among drunken people or unchaste people. But pride always means enmity - it is enmity. And not only enmity between man and man, but enmity to God.

In God you come up against something which is in every respect immeasurably superior to yourself. Unless you know God as that - and, therefore, know yourself as nothing in comparison - you do not know God at all. As long as you are proud you cannot know God. A proud man is always looking down on things and people: and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you.

That raises a terrible question. How is it that people who are quite obviously eaten up with Pride can say they believe in God and appear to themselves very religious? I am afraid it means they are worshipping an imaginary God. They theoretically admit themselves to be nothing in the presence of this phantom God, but are really all the time imagining how He approves of them and thinks them far better than ordinary people: that is, they pay a pennyworth of imaginary humility to Him and get out of it a pound's worth of Pride towards their fellow-men.

It is exceedingly provocative, and will no doubt, make one assess oneself in a highly critical and even, to a certain extent, self-disparaging manner. But I gladly take it, because it is only with the absence of rose-tinted glasses upon oneself that one can strive to eradicate the faults one has.

And after reading this single chapter by CS Lewis, my admiration for him as gone up several hundred notches. Heh. :P He has an amazing brain; his intelligence is mind-blowing. Whoa.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

age issue

It's been a tiring week, but things have more or less resolved themselves, with no less thanks to the grace of God.

My apprehension at meeting my new sec 1 girls today disappeared as I saw the eagerness in some of their faces. And my two lovely assistant facilitators also played a big part in creating a lively atmosphere as well as controlling the class when some of the girls became too rowdy. It was a pleasant first meeting, and hopefully more of these will soon to come.

For some strange reason, after I awoke from my afternoon nap, I suddenly felt a sensation of old-ness. This is partly due to the fact that my assistant facilitators used to be the very students I taught when they were in sec 2 and 3. And now they have "graduated" from classes and have begun their journey to teach others. Sigh. It's only when your students suddenly starts to co-facilitate with you that this feeling of reaching a certain age sinks in. I know, I know. I'm still extremely young, being only in my 20s. But this is my fifth year teaching, and watching batch after batch of students growing and "graduating" and experiencing the life that I used to undergo does endow upon me a sense of age and hopefully, maturity. But I know I've a lot more to learn in life, and I do hope that my parents and the certain elders in the church (you know who you are ;p) can provide me the sense of direction as well as the support and assurance that I need when the situation calls for it. A prime example - the car accident. Hai.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

this is depressing

sigh. three things on my mind right now. one, the woman wants to claim loss of usage of her car for the period which it was in the workshop. argh. two, my modules are in a state of flux. three, "quarrelled" with a close friend. sigh.

ice, ice, baby

Last night was by far the among the most exciting times spent with my sc friends. :)

For an unusual change, we decided to head down to the eski bar at holland v and test our endurance levels. It was a small quaint place, located just at the outskirts of holland v. There were basically 2 rooms - one was the main dining area where temperatures average around 15 degrees celcius; then there was an inner room which had tables and chairs made purely out of ice, and the temperature was -10 degree celcius.

We first sat around at the main area, ordered drinks and tried to get used to the cold. Then we decided to head to the inner room (or the Cold Room, as they call it) for a bit more challenge. And man, it was absolutely glacial! It literally felt like being trapped in a freezer. We froze our asses off trying to sit on the chairs, despite them having a fur covering over it. This is probably about the coldest one can get to winter temperatures in the North, perhaps. But it was very exciting. We came out for a short break. The second time we went in, we gave ourselves a challenge - to stay in there for at least 5 minutes. Most would imagine that it would be nothing, but don't underestimate the force of the cold draft being blown at you continuously. Time would pass painfully slow then. Open-toed heels certainly didn't aid in keeping warm. But nevertheless, all of us survived 5 minutes, and 2 of my friends continued to stay in there till they couldn't take it. A truly exciting experience indeed.


Posing with Mr Iceman. ;)

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

fools for christ

If there's anything I've learnt from the car accident, it's that being fools for Christ is painful.

As I reflect upon the car accident and the ensuing debate about what I should have done, I realised that this is only a foretaste of what to expect when I enter the working world with non-christians. It is really hard to stand firm in what you believe, and actually carry it out knowing that there are severe consequences to be suffered.

Take this situation for instance. It's not so much the accident that infuriated my parents, but more of the way I handled it. My father was angry that I simply allowed the woman to talk me into letting her go to her car mechanic for repairs instead of settling there and then, especially since my eyes told me that there was only a minor scratch. My mom was angry that I admitted liability and "offered" to compensate for all damages; she insisted that we should have outwardly deny any fault. At that point in time, I thought to myself, how unchristian-like all these behaviours were. Why can't I just do the right thing by just being absolutely reasonable, allowing the woman the peace of mind by going to her car mechanic, and if there is really anything wrong, just pay. After all, it was just a scratch, how expensive can the repairs be?

But I realised now that my parents were right; they do know better. They've been around longer and are worldly-wise. They know how people who are out to take advantage of you operate. They know that going to car repairs will always cost more than what the eye can see. And rightly so. The cost came up to be $2500. It's painful, really, even though it is the insurance paying. I called my mom after I knew the amount, and as expected, she was in a fit, wanting to contest the damages. I called my dad shortly after, expecting the same reaction. But what I heard surprised me beyond my mind could possibly imagined; he was actually calm, but his voice had a tinge of resignation and disappointment in me. My mom had told him the amount before I called him, so I guess he was more or less prepared when I called. But still, the voice that I heard over the phone sounded so unlike him. He just simply said in a quiet tone, "I told you this type of thing is not going to be cheap." When I heard him say that, my heart just broke and I silently teared over the phone. I felt like such an utter disappointment to him, not listening to what his wisdom says and insisting that I did the right thing; and now my parents are paying for what was essentially my fault.

I do wonder, was I right in insisting on being reasonable and admitting my fault, and doing what I thought was the christian way of doing things? Or should I have done the worldly-wise way of denying all liability and escape with just paying $200? The notion of being "fools for Christ" becomes more evident as I face the perils of having to deal with such situations in future. It's a toss-up between being christian but called dumb, or being shrewd but being called unchristian-like. It particularly hurts me more in this respect since it is my parents (and not just outsiders) who are the ones calling me dumb for acting the way I did, reasonable as it may be. And having them prove me right with the exorbitant costs is just not helping me in my stand for my handling of the situation. Right now, my father's understanding tone is just killing me in the most silent way imagainable.

Honour your father and mother, Exodus 20:12.

Monday, January 09, 2006

contemplative

First day of school brings with it a queer mix of familiarity and strangeness at the same time. There will be the customary group of girls who always look impeccably dressed, with perfect style and flawless makeup, strutting around as though they are total queens of the school (by the way, law school will never be complete without this group); then there are those who will have read all the notes beforehand, applying tremendous pressure on everyone else to keep up (another essential group to complete the law school experience); finally there is the group which I belong to, who just woke up from the holiday season, struggling to get back to the groove of pure labour once more. :)

It is definitely a humbling experience to be in this faculty. It's the place where among the most brilliant brains are found; people who voice excellent comments and come up with ingenious arguments; people who appear not to study as hard and yet acing their exams like nobody's business. Thank goodness for some of my friends who are more human like me. I wouldn't know how to survive without my dear brothers and sisters-in-christ.

A quote which inspired me:

Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in a world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary.

Impossible is nothing.

need balance, need God

I had a lovely dinner with a close friend. :) The food was simply amazing; dessert was even better. ;P Yummy. At this rate, all the exercise and self-control that I've been exercising (no pun intended) will be completely wasted. :( Sigh. I must really REALLY have some form of balance. I can't keep indulging in sinful desserts all the time! But, it's hard to say no if the company says yes... :(

School's beginning tomorrow. It does seem absolutely dreadful, especially when my timetable isn't settled at all. Not to mention with the claims of the car accident still hanging over my head. Sigh. I can only pray for God's strength to get through this semester. It's going to be tough. At least for the first 3 months. Sigh.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

to be the humble driver

The sinking feeling yet again...

I got into a minor car accident, this time it involves another car with the driver in it. Sigh. I don't really want to go into the details of how the accident came about, because my account of the accident might be used against me if ever that woman comes across this entry (though the likelihood is minimal), but I'll just briefly recount my feelings about the entire thing.

It's a horrid, horrid feeling. Words are insufficient to fully express the depths of how absolutely terrible I truly feel. I just lost all energy and will to do anything else. I didn't even had dinner last night, but my body just isn't hungry at all. All I want to do is to curl up and sleep with an escapist hope that things will automatically resolve themselves.

Somehow, I think it's yet another one of God's messages, telling me to stop being the complacent driver that I am. He has time and again humbled me with many different sinking car experiences, but this is by far the most serious yet, as it involves another party. Sigh. Lord, I've learnt my lesson. Please help me get out of the situation in one piece. :( I promise to be the absolute safe and humble driver that I ought to be.

Praying really hard for a miracle...

Friday, January 06, 2006

lord, all is yours, none to own

You give and take away,
You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say,
Lord blessed be your name.

It's the night that gets me down the most.

speak to me...

don't laugh in front of me, but silently cry behind me.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

different light

Finally, finally. Decided to wake up early today, so that I will be more motivated to pluck my lazy butt out of the couch and head down to school to prepare for the coming week. For the past two days, I've been telling myself that I must go to school and collect my notes, but I always wake up late, which leads to lazing around reading newspapers and watching tv. Then comes my deliciously-long afternoon naps coupled with the dreadful downpours, hence the magnetic force of home. :( But today was a day of resolution! Yes! Collected my notes, bought my files and lunch.

Seriously, sometimes beneath cute apperances lies a character even stronger than one can ever imagined. I've always thought my dog was a nice, simple golden retriever who is absolutely harmless and does nothing except to look at you helplessly with those huge puppy eyes of his whenever he sees food, and lets you feel all guilty for not sharing your portion with him. :) But today has completely changed my perspective of him.

Initially he ran out of the house in his usual playful manner, so I had to go get him. While walking back to my house, he saw that my neighbour's gate was opened. And my neighbour's dog is apparently his "nemesis" in some strange way, so the moment my neighbour's dog saw him, he came out and both of them had a brief staring competition. Then my dog became bolder and ran into the house, and even urinated on some of the neighbour's pots! I was utterly embarrassed, especially since the owner of the house was just there. Sigh. I guessed the other dog could not take my dog claiming ownership on his property that he suddenly attacked my dog. And what enruptured was a vicious exchange of teeth-baring and ferocious gnawing at each other's necks. I've never seen my dog bare his teeth so savagely before. It was quite a shocker, really. I tried to pull my dog away, but it only served to worsen the situation, or so I was told by the neighbours. In the end, I just let them fight till they're happy. Apparently, my dog "won" coz I saw him "sitting" on the tailend of the other dog. But even so, I had to literally drag him out of the neighbour's house as he appeared reluctant to leave. Sigh. When I got home, I saw slight bleeding around his ear, and my heart pained. Took a piece of wet tissue and dried the blood off.

It will be difficult to see him in the cute light that he always portrays himself again, especially after what I've seen he's truly capable of. It only takes one incident to destroy an entire image.

a tear for the inevitable

The future holds imminent sorrow. Preparation is necessary. Yet living in the present surrounded by simple joys causes prudence to be strewn to winds and protection against impending doom lowers. The quandary kills me.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

calendar effect

I finally buckled down to printing out my 2006 calendar. It now sits nicely on my cork board, empty spaces waiting to be filled yet again with endless meetings, social commitments (though not as much when school starts), and deadlines. Strangely though, the moment I completed my printing, the clarity of my mind returns, and I suddenly feel in control of my life again. Like it automatically becomes organised. I wonder why a mere calendar can have such a powerful effect. But I'm glad for it anyway. I'm feeling slightly more ready to tackle 2006.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

continuation in 2006

For some strange reason, I felt like deleting my previous posts. It doesn't do justice to what I really feel about 2005, not that I'm going to start expounding on it anyway.

I had a well-rested day today. Initially intended to go to school and check my mailbox for new notes, but having woke up at 10am, and sleeping yet again from 2 - 4.30pm, the inertia to stay at home has just doubled, and now I just don't feel like going anywhere.

The past few days have been absolutely filled with activities. I've been going out a lot, and spending lots of time with friends. NYE was a fantastic day. :) And so was last night. Somehow 2006 doesn't seem like a new year to me because the new experiences from 2005 is ongoing and spills over to 2006, making it like an extended part of 2005. Thus, thinking of school and the pending beginnings of it just simply bores me to death. This is further compounded by the fact that I'm probably the only person in law not to get most of her modules, and incidently, I'm told I'm infamous for it. Sigh.

I'm absolutely not ready for school, and am actually quite glad my parents have decided to drop the idea of going cameron. No way will I be able to start school with a peace of mind when lectures begin the moment I return from hols. My body and mind needs time to adjust and prepare. There's just so much to be done! Packing my old notes, buying new files, printing my 2006 calendar (which I haven't done so because of the recent flurry of activities) and just getting organised in general. Argh. Fitting this in with my new responsibilities to a new bunch of girls in OC and continuing my journey of mentoring with my dear mentee, I dare say that the start of 2006 will be pretty tough on me. Sigh.

Dec 2005 felt so much like the fantasy holiday that I've always dreamed of, where reality does not exist, and my entire being was taken to realms beyond imaginable.