strange and funny thing
After hours of stewing over the boiling cauldron, my essays are finally cooked! Well, medium-well done at least. But I'm simply too tired to return to them at this point. Writing two essays in one week is no joke. Reading, re-reading, checking for grammar, tenses, sentence structure, overall structure of essay, whether it flows... It's a crazy editing process.
Chanced upon National Geographic's documentary entitled "Wild Sex" last night. It appears that animals, too, don't just engage in sex purely for reproduction purposes. Apparently, homosexual activity among them is rampant as well. Which got me thinking: Why would God implicity allow such behaviour among animals but not humans? If this was not part of the original design, then does it mean that animals have "fallen" too? But if that is so, then surely it must mean that they too share a relationship with God, in order for them to have fallen. Heh, maybe animals aren't as distant from God as we often imagined (after all, they
were created before humans); maybe they have animal souls.
I have three options of reading - competition law notes, complicity notes and the third book of Narnia. Hm, which one should I choose.... ;)
i don't look like a lead cow ;)
I've been so stressed that whenever I give myself a break, I'll always head to my leisure reading. So I'm actually done with my second book of Narnia, heh. Which was surprising since I didn't expect to touch it till exams end. Oh well. I can't afford such luxury anymore. :( :( Year end is coming much faster than I expect. I don't know whether to cry or rejoice.
light-headed moments
It's been a long week, one that is filled with words and more words. I've discovered that a few random words on the screen which make little sense can actually have a drastic effect on the sanity of my brain. I guess the thought of having some substance (which I can edit later) is better than imagining a blank screen. It's just a false sense of security, but if it keeps me in a calm state, who cares? ;)
I haven't satisfied my craving for bubor terigu, red ruby and hor fun for a long time... And the list just keeps getting longer. :(
Nearly got into an accident today. The van in front of me just suddenly slowed down to a halt because it wanted to move to the left lane and stupid driver didn't even signal! I was trailing behind it at a very slow speed already, but even then the van's sudden movement caught me by surprise. I didn't even have time to horn but promptly swerved to the right to avoid hitting its rear. I didn't had time to check my side mirror but thankfully the traffic was clear. I have encountered many close shaves such as this, but I think God has been keeping a watch on me. This is something I'm grateful for.
please be sane
And so, I've two half-baked essays done. I have two more to go. Time is running out. Anxiety builds up. I am most certainly halfway insane. The hours are just flying past me at speeds unimaginable. Everyday is made up of a singular goal: to survive it with some decency. Without mooncakes, oreo cheesecake, cookies and ice cream, I would surely have flown off the handle, and resorted to some horrific drastic measures to calm myself down.
God, keep me sane, please, keep me sane.
distraction is needed
Once again, I have greatly underestimated the power of the law lecturers to heap unto us tons and tons of essays just to make absolute sure that the students know they are drowning.
I KNOW I KNOW! I GET THE POINT!
Sigh.
Sort of completed my short theoretical foundations essay, of which I am eternally grateful to God for helping me. I had a hard time trying to sleep last night, with the words "acts and omissions" constantly swirling in my head. It's the "occupational hazard" for want of a better term. If I'm especially hot on the heels for a particular topic, every breathing moment is connected to it. Initially I had tried conquering the paper on my own (unconsciously), telling myself it will take me no more than a day to do it. But having encountered enormous difficulties, I realised that when it comes to essays, it's best to pray before writing. It works miracles. My mind is less cluttered, more relaxed and focused, and words flow smoothly. Truly the peace that God gives is unsurpassable.
I was so sure that the IP assignment would consist of a simple straightforward hypothetical that one can imagine my horror when I found out it's a research paper with a 4000-word limit. Argh. The last time I did a paper with a similar word limit is in year 1! And I've two of them this semester! Sigh.
Breathe, body, breathe.Some words just put a smile on your face. :)
lord, save me
I can't believe that I'm actually suffering from a throbbing headache just by thinking too much. I can literally feel the pumping of the blood near the top of my brain. It feels exceptionally painful there. Sigh. And it is only a mere 1200-word essay. I can't imagine how I'm going to survive my other four essays. Sigh.
I was naive to think I could get through it alone. Lord, please grant me strength to get through this week.
tired, but happy
I am so worn out.
My body hadn't any time to recover from the simultaneous physical activities I've been subjecting it to. Friday is the unspoken 'sports day' of law school, and despite having jogged both on wednesday and thursday evenings, I simply couldn't pass up the opportunity to play CAPTAIN'S BALL with my law friends on Friday! And oh my goodness, the thrill of passing and jumping and catching the ball was just wonderful. I haven't played captain's ball since Jan I think, which was with my small group. So I was pleased at the chance to play it once more. I think my team was lucky - we had very athletic guys and netball girls, so passing and scoring was a breeze, heh. Nevertheless, I think the interaction the game gave us was something more worthy to be treasured than winning. Being the quiet and hidden one in law school, a lot of faces without names often passed me by. But sports is amazingly the true universal bonding tool. In less than a semester, I've known more names and developed a deeper knowledge of these once-nameless faces. The move to BTC is surely reaping its benefits.
But now, to rest my aching body. I need the energy to pia my assignments.
does an objective standard of morality exist?
One of Confucius' sayings,
By inquiring into all things, understanding is made complete; with complete understanding, thought is made sincere; when thought is sincere, the mind is as it should be; when the mind is as it should be; the individual is morally cultivated, the family is well-regulated; when the family is well-regulated, the state is properly governed; and when the state is properly governed, the world is at peace.
Mediation and theoretical foundations of criminal law are very thinking modules. Morality is a very recurrent theme, and I find that people generally shun the idea of morality in their arguments simply because most people believe that it cannot be objectively justified; everyone seems to believe that there are differing standards of morality, and this I cannot deny when faced with the facts. Just look at how times have changed. In the past when it's considered a shame for women to even bare their legs, now nothing is thought of with empty shoulders or back. Public affection such as holding hands used to be a taboo, but to cling on to that thought now would only risk being termed a prudent dinosaur. And how about the era of apartheid? How about inter-racial marriages? These concepts have slowly changed as people liberalise their mindsets, and consequently adjust their standards of morality. Thus, I find it hardpressed to conclude that morality has an objective standard.
For us christians then, what does our standard of morality mean? Even in today's world, it is very likely that christians in a conservative chinese society and christians in the western world will have differing standards of right and wrong. But to quote C.S. Lewis, the fact that each of us have an innate sense of right and wrong shows that there is some objective standard that we abide by, something that is above and beyond our comprehension. Everyone will do a good deed because of its intrinically good nature (whether we willingly do it or not is a different issue), but no one will do a bad one just because it's bad, rather, they do it because they want to thwart good. All evil is the corruption of something good, but good is just good; it is not the opposite nor the absence of evil. Once we have established that fact, it's easier to argue a case for morality and that there should be one fixed standard and not numerous ones which people can cherry-pick to their fancy.
Despite the seemingly differing standards christians from two ends of the world may have, which people often boil it down merely to cultural differences, etc, if we were to employ the argument above, that good exists on its own and that evil leeches on to good, then is it not true that the moment we hesitate on our actions that it is most definitely a wrong? You see, if it were a clear-cut case of good, we wouldn't need to ponder so much. But if entrenched in that seemingly good activity lurks some form of "evil" that makes you stop and think, surely your gut instinct will tell you something is obviously wrong and the right action to take is to flee? Thus, no matter how different cultures may bring us up to be, it cannot replace the gut instinct we have about certain activities. The obviously intrinic good is the objective standard that we have. All other activities tainted with only a tinge of evil are the ones that are causing this debate about objective and subjective standards of morality. Think alcohol and clubbing. Think freedom of expression and homosexuality. It only takes a drop of evil to tarnish the entire good. Take heed.
My answer to the above question? Yes.
I meant to compare secular philosophy and christian teachings, but another time.
what would i do without you, it?
I can't imagine a world without technology, as much as detractors may lambast its negative effects. Sure, it may draw people apart, especially if people just a few cubicles away send emails to each other instead of walking over, or a faceless chat on the screen becomes more appealing than catching up over the time-honoured telephone. But for people far apart, it is a whole world of difference (forgive the pun). Distances over air and sea no longer seem as daunting as before. Even the differences in time become insignificant in this spectrum of technology. And of course, the ease of research, the convenience of typing out notes instead of laboriously copying them from the whiteboard, and what better way to be a furtive voyeur than to read off your friends' activities on their public journals (I refuse to use the 'B' word).
I used to fervently endorse the case against technology for the damage it may do to the fabric of human society, but having experienced so tangibly the benefits that it has provided me, I cannot honestly say now that I am capable of surviving without it.
peace
The night is perfect, quiet and still. The sound of wind lifts the deadening silence. My mind was a jungle, irrepressible thoughts bent on knocking me down. But an angel deigned to touch me with her hand of happiness, leaving me smiling helplessly.
simply stress
Right now I'm looking back and wondering, what in the world possessed me to believe that Year 4 would be easy? Argh.
Essays are slowly pouring in, like sneaky little streams of water trickling ever so quietly such that I'm caught totally unaware when I'm beginning to drown! Sigh. As I hit midterm, I suddenly see my time becoming more and more precious, and every pockets of free hours are conscientiously filled with notes to read and research to do. No time to read books, can only catch snippets of news headlines here and there. The pace is definitely picking up, and I'm living as though these stresses don't exist. Sigh.
My recent comfort foods? Ah-balling from clementi (It is the best I've tasted! I sometimes even have cravings for it), ben&jerry ice cream and of course, how can I forget my gorgeous cheese.
Singapore Dreaming
And so, it all boils down to just how blind we are.
Just returned from the movies. Law Goes to the Movies, specifically. Through some connections of a year 2, Law managed to get tickets at $5 for Singapore Dreaming, a local film produced by Colin Goh, his wife Woo Yen Yen and guess what, Woffles Wu, Singapore's famous plastic surgeon! I must say that watching a movie with an entire theatre full of people I know is a novel experience, somewhat like a family. Laughter is natural, people are free to make snide comments, and whenever there are lawyer references, there's always bound to be a few sniggers here and there. It does take away the poignancy of the film somewhat.
I must admit that the film shows a side of Singapore that the average middle-income classes would never see. Not to spoil the movie for those who are still interested to catch it, I would just comment that it really opens your eyes to just how absolutely lucky we are. The fact that we even have a handphone and internet is such a blessing we don't realise it. Not to mention a roof over our heads, enough money to have decent 3-meals a day, sufficient clothes to wear, and even receive a good education, one which we often mope and grouse about. Sigh. It's times like these that make you think twice about spending money on "frivolous" stuff.
In a country where meritocracy is strongly advocated, one often takes for granted that the things we enjoy is our God-given right, because we "earned" it, while the poor are the way they are because they aren't good enough to succeed in this society. I used to buy into that philosophy, but now I see that perhaps things are not so simple. You can't choose the family you are born into, and if you so happen to be lucky enough to land yourself in a well-to-do family, that's your fortune, not right. And with the wealth you come into, you receive a good education, become intelligent, make it big in society, and then repeat the same cycle with your children. Similarly, the poor are stuck in the vicious cycle of poverty, not having enough money to provide their children with tuition or whatnot, who then become stuck with low-paying jobs because they aren't smart enough, and then produce children in the same circumstances. Singapore likes to paint us as a perfect one big happy-family, but dig deeper into the heartlands and one will find the dust that is quietly swept under the carpet. The dirt which Singapore is ashamed to show visitors when they come to visit our home.
As my streetsmart friend elucidated me, army is a great leveller. Having been born into a good home and been to good schools, he says that army is truly an eye-opener, where you interact with people from all walks of lives and minority races as well. The stories he told me of the poor he knew made me rethink whether Singapore is truly as developed as we like to believe. While here we are either going on fad diets or overindulging, a guy desperately wants to get out of army to find a job that pays at least $1000+ (instead of the ns rate of $500) just so that he can feed his family. While we drown ourselves in the world of fashion, people struggle to look presentable in front of their potential bosses. In the words of Seng (a character in the show), "In Singapore, before you can make it, you must look like you've made it." It's not true that money cannot buy you happiness; at any rate it keeps you away from the state of depression.
Sigh, it's a warped society. I feel lucky and helpless at the same time.
here to stay
Finally, for the first time, a normal week of school. No rushing around attending lessons of all sorts, no straddling between the classrooms and admin block, waiting on tenterhooks for an answer, any answer in fact. It's just going to be pure hardwork from now on, something which I (ironically) revel in at the certainty of it all. It's funny how it takes a traumatic situation such as the one I've been in to appreciate hardwork without worries. But I don't think I'll say that for long, considering how I've 5 essays to hand in, numerous journals, one presentation, and a whole lot of thinking and theorising to do this semester. It's going to be a deep semester ahead.
I've been starting to wonder whether studying abroad is actually better than staying here. It's always been an unfulfilled wish of mine to do so. New surroundings to see, new cultures to experience, new faces to know, living life independently and freely... But I've also come to appreciate the many benefits I've experienced as a local undergraduate. For one, the friendships I've made are so much deeper by virtue of the fact that almost everyone comes from similar backgrounds, and thus connection becomes far easier. Somehow a mutual friend always exists, especially if you belong to the same circle of schools. Of course, I'm not discounting the fact that cross-cultural friendships do take place, but it just takes more effort, that's all. The tutorials are generally localised too, and jokes bantered in class can only be understood if you're a local. Sometimes I feel slightly sorry for the overseas students in my class, whom Singaporeans generally not talk to unless there is a need. Perhaps it's our culture to keep to ourselves. Perhaps in other countries, the locals may be friendlier, I don't know. But in any case, I no longer bemoan the fact that I studied in Singapore. Quite glad I did, in some respects. It's the friendships that's making it worth while.
First book of Narnia done. Beautiful. On to my next. Can't wait.
hello world :)
It takes little to make me happy, and those little things have been satisfied, thank God. :) So I am happy, now. :)
After my afternoon lesson, I hitched a law friend to watch
The Devil Wears Prada with me. Haven't watched a movie in ages, and have been wanting to catch this ever since I saw white-haired and absolutely distinguished-looking Meryl Streep appear in the trailers. She IS the show. But disappointingly, it was not as good (nor deep) as my friends have made it out to be. Even the lesson to be gleaned is pretty shallow. Fashion-wise, it's alright, the usual that one normally sees on runways. Being practical me, I suppose the clothes are gawkable, but not something I would wear, nor would my fashion-stupid mind ever be able to put together. I did come out of the show feeling dumpy in my white comfortable cotton blouse and black capris. Haha oh well. Perhaps that's what magazines are designed for - to make one feel less of a person without being drapped in Valentino, or having a Gucci bag perched on that oh-so-delicate shoulder. Which is why I made a decision to stop reading fashion magazines a few years ago.
Am absolutely hooked onto The Chronicles of Narnia now. I know, I know, it's a children's book, but hey, it's a children's C.S. Lewis book, top grade! ;) It's a lost childhood joy. I don't know how he does it, but I don't think I've ever been more compelled to read the next chapter even when schoolwork is screaming at me. It's so amazing that sometimes I wonder which is the real world I'm living in, for my mind is constantly filled with the beautiful images of the land of Narnia...
coming to terms
It has not been the best of outcomes, but after all that turmoil, I'm just thankful that it has come to a complete stop. So, yes, now I'm taking a module which in my entire life I would never even
dream of taking, but beggars can't be choosers, especially if I became a beggar through my own folly. If it had not been for this last module, my semester would be extremely slack. Really. Perhaps a greater plan awaits. Perhaps it's my punishment for wanting to take the easy way out.
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails. - Proverbs 19:21
tribute to irwin
You know, I've never really liked Steve Irwin's shows. I'm not a fan of crocodiles or reptiles, and his irrepressible energetic nature just rubs the wrong side of me. Yet yesterday, when the news of his death suddenly popped up at me from my straits times home page, I was simply stunned into overwhelming sadness. Such an iconic figure, genuine, living out his passion in sincere enthusiasm. I've a soft spot for real people, who are not afraid to display their true nature. Society has really lost a treasure this time. Perhaps there are more important issues out there worth crying for. And no, I'm not shedding crocodile tears...
questions without answers
If sadness is merely perception, then why am I spilling so many tears over this? Why does everything that wells up inside me feels so real? Why can't I easily change my perception to suit the circumstances? Why can't I get what I want, for once? Why must I always be the one having to reframe myself mentally to make myself happy? Why must I always convince myself that something good will come out of all this? Why can't I, for once, not deny my true feelings and just feel the way I want to feel? What is wrong with me... Who am I kidding but myself? Who am I denying but myself? So really, who am I, beneath all that rational and logical me? Can I feel sad? Can I cry freely? Do I allow myself to feel sad and cry freely? If I do, am I still me...
bleeding within
why? why?! must this be happening to me.... i wish this would end. i wish people will stop being so anal. i wish i could see the light at the end of the road....
what if...
perhaps my life isn't as rosy as i thought.
satisfied
I'm thoroughly enjoying reading my financial accounting notes. Downloaded the first three weeks of powerpoint slides from the workbin and perused them at my own leisure this afternoon. I expected myself to take quite a while absorbing them, but surprisingly, due to the extensive comprehensiveness of the notes, understanding them was a breeze. It helps that I've a soft spot for numbers. Somehow being in touch with maths melts me in sweet nostalgia, heh.
The feeling of
wanting to study instead of
having to study is incredible. Life should always be like that.
