it's over
My struggle is finally over. I can't believe it. After close to three weeks of pure pain and struggle, it ended abruptly by the confirmation of all my modules. It feels somewhat surreal not having to experience pain, but I'm not complaining.
It happened this morning. I was unexpectedly allocated Financial Accounting yesterday, which I didn't expect to get because I did not sign up for the tutorial by the deadline (by choice), but since I did, I had to pay a visit to the dean's office of business to manually register for my tutorial. Having received a warning that I would be dropped from the module if I didn't register for the tutorial by the stipulated deadline, my heart was filled with immense dread as I approached the office. I half-expected the lady-in-charge to give a disapproving look and was preparing myself to put up an aggressive fight (which goes totally against my nature), but surprisingly, all she did was to hand me the list of available tutorials left and asked me to pick one. When it was done, I was stunned into reality that my long-awaited day has arrived: I finally stopped struggling.
I've learnt that as much as I extol the merits of administration, having been endowed with that particular spiritual gift (from tests taken before), I realised how taxing on other people it can be if rules have to kept strictly without allowances given. It puts things into perspective that perhaps some people might find my anal-retentiveness a tad irritating, something which I could never comprehend until now. I guess I must know how to temper my desire for organisation with flexibility to make me a more pleasant person to work and be with.
I've also learnt why humans need to struggle. It is only through the process of pain that one can truly appreciate the rewards thereafter. Oh the taste of freedom and luxury in being able to get all the modules I want is pure and sweet, something which I would probably have taken for granted had it just been served on a platter to me. It goes for everything else in life. If one doesn't suffer hardships, one will never know what a good thing he/she has in his/her hands.
Perhaps the last lesson I've learnt is empathy. I used not to care (nor could I understand) what not getting the modules you want is all about. This is especially so in year 1 and 2, when compulsory modules were given to us, while my hall friends from other faculties were doing their ritual rant each semester, cursing how stressful it was to bid for their modules. I was blissfully oblivious and didn't seek to understand their anguish. My arrogance and indifference have led me to the "lowest-of-the-low". Now I can FULLY empathise with the modular system that all my other faculty friends are being put through for their WHOLE nus years. A perverse kind of camaraderie is formed.
Above all, I do see God's hands in control all this while. It's too premature to tell what other things He has in store for me by making me take this path, but by the end of the semester, I will know. And share.
argh...?
It gets messier and messier. Enough said. I don't wish to elaborate and vomit more blood.
surviving slow but sure
I finally understand what my friend means when she says whenever she experiences pain, she will start becoming very philosophical, theorizing about why she has to go through it, what benefits could possibly come out of it, sometimes even cursing for being born a woman.. I always found it highly amusing.
Albeit for a different reason, I am going through the same thought process, but from a christian perspective. What with all the pain and anguish I'm suffering for my module, I start to think why in the world I am being put through this. I resent the fact that others are lucky enough to get their first choice modules despite them being popular, while I'm relegated to the unlucky many. It just seems terribly unfair. I often try to console myself by convincing myself that I wouldn't have changed my actions at that point in time anyway, so there is really nothing to regret. And perhaps, my small-mindedness is unable to see beyond what God has put in my path, so I guess I'm living on the promises of God alone, that He will provide in all circumstances.
I've talked to almost all tom, dick, jane and mary of my batch, and I can't count the number of times I've repeated my story over and over. At first it was carthartic, then it just became tiring, to the extent I now just mumble, "It's a long story." But I appreciate the listening ears and the proliferation of advice and assurance that things will be fine. It's the solidarity of the law fac, somehow, that makes their words more genuine, as they can truly empathise.
After a harrowing experience with the administration today, I walked out of the admin block in such sorrow and despair that a chance meeting with a close friend just caused me to break down in front of him all of a sudden. I didn't intend to, but I just did. I tried to walk away quickly because I didn't want him (or anyone else for that matter) to see me in that state, but he forced me to stop and ask me what's wrong. I was just touched at the kindness he extended towards me despite rushing for time. It was an unexpectedly nice gesture, one that I will remember for a long while.
struggling
And yet again, someone has flown away from my life, this time hitting much nearer home. Off my little sis has gone to the land of the irish to pursue her medical studies. Another person gone, another hole in my heart created.
Module selection has got to be the
worst thing one can ever experience in uni life. With empowerment comes disappointment. The liberty to choose your interests is inevitably accompanied by the right to be disappointed due to over-subscription. My heart is burning with anxiety and anguish. When will it be ever quenched?? Argh.
this is a screwed-up system
I took a gamble and it didn't pay off. So it's back to haunt me again. Like a ghost from the not-so-distant past.Sigh. I'm experiencing yet another horrific module-encounter. I took the chance, dropped IT II for biz and finance, and put IT II as my second choice just in case, despite knowing full well the risks involved with popular modules such as these. Sadly, my dreams didn't materialise, and I'm left worse off than I had originally began, losing IT II as well. So presently, with 16 credits worth of modules, I'm not particularly amused. I've since past the utterly-upset stage (with the help of friends who so willingly lent a listening ear to my ranting), and can now only hope and pray for a miracle to get me out of this mess (again). Argh.
Ice cream doubles up as a pleasure-inducing and pain-removing dessert. I was so upset that I bought a tub of chocolate fudge brownie ben&jerry's to drown my sorrows in and literally ate out of the tub. The first few scoops alleviated my pain a little, so I kept downing myself until my stomach cried out stop. That was when the queasiness started to set in, and I fully regretted my thoughtless actions. My tongue could not take another taste of chocolate, and the bloatedness of my stomach was killing me. If I could vomit, I would. At least, in a perverse manner, the pain of my tummy helped me forget the pain of my modules temporarily. I don't think I want to see ice cream for at least a week.
Please Lord, help me find a way out of this. I can't take it anymore.
happy food
N.Y.D.C's cheesecake is the type I truly adore. It's rich, it's thick, and the fullness of the cheese can be felt sensuously if you let it melt slowly all over your tongue. Ooo... And eating mocha cheesecake together with mocha almond fudge ice cream topped with almond bits, just the thought of it is sending me to heights unimaginable. I must be seriously stressed.
i'm tired
Despite having such light,
light modules, as compared to my peers who are taking hideous subjects such as personal insolvency, conflicts of laws and (horror of horrors!) intensive international courses, I'm still so bogged down by stress, and I don't understand why! Argh. It irritates the hell out of me that even after taking extra effort to make sure that I don't take up heavy modules, the workload that is thrown at me is still enough to induce this throbbing headache which I have right now. Sigh.
Things that makes it worse:
1. I had a long day today, 9-6pm.
2. My modules will not be confirmed till friday.
3. I've many deadlines to meet this week.
4. A friend no longer wants to talk to me. Sigh.
hooked
I'm officially bought over by the whole korean drama craze. I can't stop watching
My Name is Kim Sam Soon on YouTube. They are currently showing the series on channel U but I realised I like hearing the original korean words better than the dubbed chinese. Plus, I think the translation on YouTube is more accurate. :) I especially love the theme music, a pulsating kind of rhythm that adds extra comic to the whole situation. The plot is starting to get deeper though, which only serves to draw me in further. Sigh. Did I forget to mention how gorgeous the male lead is? It's guys like him that look better if they don't smile, haha.
Sometimes I think such drama serials become an outlet for people to escape their mundane lives and live vicariously through others'. The more I watch it, the more I feel like I'm not living on this earth, and the heavier I get sucked into the characters' reality. It's quite scary.
things that occured to me
1. Learning the theory of managing conflicts is far easier than applying it.
2. Kindness is becoming a lost virtue.
3. While no one is perfect, some are closer to perfection than others.
richness of a relationship with God
Let us not delude ourselves further. Just because we don't practise socially-objectionable behaviours and generally desire to hurt no one in our daily actions does not mean that we are good christians, nor do we have a rich relationship with God. It is simply insufficient not to want to do evil; there must be a positive action on our part as well.
Today's vcf sermon, delivered by one of our law lecturers, was amongst the most inspiring I've heard, and it left me stunned and burned by the reality of her words. Many of us would generally agree that we're not thieves, robbers, drug addicts, porn addicts, do not practise pre-marital sex, and overall do not seek the harm of others. We lead good, open lives and do not possess dark secrets. Thus, it is easy for us to then claim that we are good christians. But the speaker today brought home a message that was hard for me to swallow - that despite all the non-evil I've done, it doesn't mean I have a rich relationship with God. She cited the parable of the rich fool in Luke 12 as an example. The rich man hoarded wealth for himself because his sole purpose was to take life easy: eat, drink and be merry. But God demanded his life that very night, and asked him who will get what he had prepared for himself. And it dawned on me that, I had behaved exactly the same way. Although I'm not stashing away cash in the bank at the moment, I once very much wanted to just live life the way I want it to (barring all evils), and pursue my own happiness above anything else. They are just seemingly innocuous things, like sourcing out the best food and desserts, travel, read, play sports, pursue my interests, etc. But it's such a me-centered ideology to live by, and very selfish too. There's nothing in the list that focuses on people.
The speaker went on to expound on what it means to be a citizen of God's kingdom. One point that struck me was how we let ourselves be led by the earthly noose. If we know that we are going to take a law exam, would we study physics? In the same vein, if at the end of our lives, we know we are going to be judge by God's standards, why do we still continue to abide by the rules of the world? Is instant gratification more seductive than God's laws? Or is God not real enough to us at the moment? Or have we been blinded by the enemy?
Another point which provoked me was, what is the mark of my belief in Christ? Most of us church-goers would immediately rattle off the number of ministries we are involved in, and take that as our service to God. But what does ministry really mean?
It is the application of the victory we have over the enemy to a broken and fallen world. The key focus here is on the world, and not us. How willing are we to reach out to the broken and fallen world? If someone is clearly ostracised by his peers because of his personality quirks or irrepressible behaviour, are we going to behave like the rest of the world and ostracise him as well, or will we take the very bold and difficult step of reaching out to him/her and offering the very basic we have - friendship?
These are certainly hard to do, many of which I'm guilty of myself. Which is why it struck home so painfully that I'm still so, so far from perfect, despite all the flaws I've tried desperately to eradicate. Often I've thought that by leading a relatively good life, it will be a sufficient testimony to my faith, and consequently arouse the interest of non-christians. But I realised that many non-christians do lead relatively good lives too, so what, then, is the difference? Thus, a positive action on our part is needed to show that the lives we lead are willing ones in response to the outpouring of love that God has showered upon us first.
i miss maths
Spent such an unstimulating morning class hearing about worms and whatnot that I started tackling circular geometry questions instead, courtesy of one of my friend's tuition kids. And quite honestly, I'm glad I'm still driven by some mathematical logic, and not just purely legal. I've forgotten what the exuberant feeling of solving a problem and arriving at a definite answer is, since goodness knows when. Sigh.
Perhaps the reason why Clive Staples Lewis is hailed as one of the most brilliant brains around is the fact that he possesses both analogical and deductive reasoning abilities. Not many people can grasp both and effectively use them. He has my greatest admiration.
follow which?
Do not resist what you were created to be...Crashing the biz-and-finance module had only served to reinforce my love for all things maths-and-money related. I had put that as my first choice but was sadly allocated my reserve choice, a topic which I like too but the motivation to study isn't there (largely due to yet another mumbling foreign lecturer. Don't understand why ALL angmoh lawyers HAVE to mumble! Argh!). Having heard numerous horror stories of how difficult the biz module was, I tried to reassure myself that being given my reserve choice was perhaps a blessing in disguise, but I needed to satisfy within me that it was indeed better. So I sat in the biz module today with the expectation that it was going to be horrible and difficult to comprehend. But stephen phua was just too darn hilarious with his anal-retentiveness for figures and numbers that I just fell in love with the module, all over again. Sigh. I've come to realise that the harder I laugh in a class, the surer I know of enjoying the course, no matter how difficult.
The pertinent problem is, the class is full, and I'm not sure if anyone wants to drop it, although I do hope someone will be scared off by phua's fierce introduction of the module, heh. Another tough consideration is facing competition from the many persons who want to add it too, sigh. Perhaps the most excruciating part is not knowing that I'll get my reserve choice back if I drop it to take this module up. If I strike 4D and bag this module, then good for me! But if I don't, I would really want to retain my reserve choice, but sadly that is not a confirmed. Urgh!
To risk or not to risk?
My heart says, go with love. My head says, don't be stupid.Sigh.
a sea of calm
My friend drove a hard bargain: he agreed to show me around the campus in exchange for a lift to school. That was how I managed to survive the first day without appearing too much like a dumb first-year. The different blocks are well labelled and classrooms were easily located. Not too much of a difficulty. It was quite a joy, actually, seeing familiar faces once more, seeing faces not seen in a while because of the year-long hiatus of the exchange students, taking in the excited buzz created by a motley of frenzies.
One thing I like about the campus is the amount of space we now have to ourselves. No longer are we just 100 steps in between arts and business. We now have at least 4 big blocks with floors all to ourselves. There's just so much space to prance about! I also appreciate the fact that we're so incredibly near nature. It adds a tinge of freshness to the experience of going to school, somehow, and not have to face hard, unwelcoming concrete. The best part of it is being located at bukit timah. Bukit Timah always brings to mind a conglomerate of foods, ranging from cheap hawker fare to expensive delicacies. There's just so much variety! Town is also a mere five minutes away (by car). It almost feels like I'm going out to a hip joint instead of school.
Compared to studying in the old campus, I definitely feel less pressurised in this new surroundings. It must be the trees. :)
yet another sem
It starts again. The terror of precious time being held hostage by demanding lecturers, mounts of readings, essays and tutorials... Oh no. I can't bear the thought. Sigh, I'm such a lazy. The thought of tai-taing my whole life calls out to me more and more. But, but. ;p Added to the fact that I've to be mentally prepared to face a chaotic first day tomorrow, figuring out where my mailbox is, my classrooms are, and overall behaving like a total idiotic freshie. I readily admit that the lure of a new school building, especially in a garden setting, gives me an adrenaline rush, but I do wish more proper avenues to prepare us were available. As it is, the ongoing construction work has already impeded my initial joy, with many places still inaccessible. Urgh.
My rash isn't subsiding, sigh, another one of my major woes.
Lord, Lord, please help me get through this week, please.
irrational vs rational irritation
I've a nagging suspicion that my pent up rage against particular persons does not come from God, yet I find it absolutely difficult to simply erase the annoyance caused by them. For someone who's remarkably tolerant and usually finding reasons to justify people's actions instead of passing judgment on them immediately, for them to create such a disturbance within my spirit truly takes the cake. I can actually count the few times I was genuinely irritated with someone because only drastic behaviours can ruffle my feathers. Often, I try not to associate myself with emotions such as irritation and anger, because they not only cause unnecessary pain and energy wasted, they are also unbecoming of a christian. And in any case, being the absolute logical me, I am able to frequently rationalise them away quite easily without much effort.
So right now I'm wondering, considering the fact that I'm already of such a serene nature (or so I like to think), do these drastic actions then justify for the way I feel? My instinct tells me the answer is still no. What then is the Godly solution? Because unpleasant thoughts still swim about, and I dislike it immensely.
Are emotions by definition irrational? Must I have a valid reason for feeling a particular way? Can someone actually argue (and convince me) why I should or shouldn't feel a particular way? Am I being irrational for feeling irritated? But if I feel love, would I still be labelled irrational? I guess only bad feelings need rationalising away because they make you feel uncomfortable, but good feelings don't, because they're inexplicably wonderful. Perhaps, perhaps, that's the real distinction. Emotions are, indeed, irrational, but only one set needs explanation.
foodies, yum. itchy, argh.
It looks set to be yet another dual-party small group tonight. Sigh. Oh well. No backing out this time. Just charging ahead with it.
Having read rave reviews about Wild Rocket, my sc friend had been wanting to check it out. And that was how our girls' night out ended up there. True to its reputation, everything there was quite, quite excellent. I had crabmeat linguine with spicy tomato cream, and panna cotta fused with pandan for dessert. Hope the pictures do them justice. ;)
There's the linguine. :)
And my wobbly panna cotta. :)
Currently down with yet another one of those mysterious allergic rash. I've no idea what I'd eaten or touched or sniffed. Sigh. It started off with just a few harmless red spots here and there, but within a matter of days, had spread unstoppably with an even worse itch! Argh. As my mom likes to put it, let it culminate till it's full-blown, then it'll subside. I'm sure she must have communicated with these invisible, anonymous diseases before. ;p
happy national day
Strangely, watching the NDP this evening stirred up some unusally strong patriotic feelings within me, and caused, as a result, an extreme dislike to singaporeans who spend their useless energy dissing about the government without having experienced a worse alternative. Granted, lacking the "
all-encompassing" NS life may give me a disadvantage to experiencing just how inefficient and ineffectual the freedom-robbing system can be, but let me just stage my penny's worth of opinions.
The charges against Singapore are common: overly-restrictive, lack of independent expression, lack of opportunities to pursue seemingly impractical careers, dirty politics, etc. Without taking sides, I would just like to implore these people to take a deeper look into these issues and see how history had a hand in shaping these well-known characteristics. Have they gone through war? Do they know what worrying about the next meal is like? Do they know what keeping alive means? Do they understand the pain of being separated from loved ones? What does instability mean? Are riots real? Poverty, what’s that? To these people who have no concept of what hardship is, whose small-mindedness only teach them to vex over academic results, social life, money to go out, stop for a while and think about the extenuating reasons behind our country’s mannerisms. I personally think it’s the constant fear that we may regress into our former unruly state that pushes our leaders to control every tiny part of Singapore. It is a patriachial fear, no doubt, but at least it exists.
Like a child responding to his/her parents’ ways, I’m certainly not saying I agree with everything the government does. There are, of course, flaws in the management of the country. But I earnestly beseech the dissatisfied bunch to consider the existence of the other side of the coin instead of lambasting it with only a one-sided view. Perhaps the way things are done may not be as excellent as we like them to be, but I like to think that the intentions behind them are good and genuine enough. The government is not perfect – that is to be established. But it is certainly not as dismaying as the
pop culture make it out to be.
Happy birthday Singapore. Thank you for coming this far.
macaroni cheese :)
It's become an unspoken rule that whenever my sis and I are home for the whole day, we make it a point to experiment our cooking, heh. So on this particular tuesday, we ploughed through our mom's a hundred and one recipe books before deciding on a simple dish of macaroni cheese. It looks easy enough with ingredients we actually understood. After a few minutes of boiling, stirring, sprinkling, baking, we came up with this:
Tada! Now doesn't that look nice and edible. ;) It's quite yummy too. :)
chase the blues away
Out of sorts. Pictures of food make me happy.
Yummy candied apple crumble. New dessert from coffee club. Part of nicol's farewell, heh.
weather = hunger?
The weather's been quite the monster recently. Even with the blast of wind blowing at me at neckbreaking speed at arctic temperatures, beads of sweat still find their way trickling down the sides of my face and body. I have thus subjected myself to the imprisonment of the four walls of my house, books and sleep, going out only when necessary. Social life is not necessary, which explains the dearth of meeting up with people these past three weeks, not that I'm complaining though. I genuinely enjoy this kind of lifestyle every single day. Eat, sleep, get a bit of exercise (badminton, jog) and read, read, read. Lovely. Why spend time doing mindless small talk when I can gain so much more by exploring my imagination through books?
Craving for cheese, ice cream, and cheesecake. My stash of cheese is depleting and I've yet to top it up. Can't wait to go choose my cheeses tomorrow. Roquefort and morbier is on my list for now. :) I've been eating so much ice cream recently, but I can't seem to get enough of it. Just the other day, I went with my family to Daily Scoop, which, in my opinion, has the best ice cream, and beats any other outlet I've ever tasted. The taste is so incredibly authentic and rich. The chocolate flavour is to-die-for. :) My sis and I had yet another baking-cheesecake session, this time the recipe was given me by a good friend of mine who
highly recommended it. But because we read the recipe wrongly, we put in only one bar of philadelphia cream cheese instead of four, so our cheesecake turned out more to be like pudding instead. :( Nevertheless, it possesses quite an addictive taste, a bit sweet though. Texture was firm and spongy, crust a lovely brown with a slightly-burnt taste. It has somehow got me craving for it, for some strange reason.
miss dairy queen.
till my will wakes up...
Receiving emails from my law professors on what to expect for the coming academic year does not bode well for my fecal mind at the moment. As it is, I had already spent a glorious afternoon napping from 1pm-5pm, and this lifestyle doesn't look like it's going to cease anytime soon. I'm indulging too much in having no boundaries that to entrap me in this corset-like of a routine once more is going to take more than a massacre of my decomposed mind. I'm torn between readying myself before the school term starts to prevent too much of a shock, or spend the last few days of my freedom just doing the things I really want. I blame the long (but oh-so-lovely) holiday that I had spent in europe. Every so often, thoughts of it lull me into a sense of happiness and peace that I simply can't find the will to pick myself up for serious work anymore. Everyday seemed like a holiday; if only life were like that for eternity...
