surviving slow but sure
I finally understand what my friend means when she says whenever she experiences pain, she will start becoming very philosophical, theorizing about why she has to go through it, what benefits could possibly come out of it, sometimes even cursing for being born a woman.. I always found it highly amusing.Albeit for a different reason, I am going through the same thought process, but from a christian perspective. What with all the pain and anguish I'm suffering for my module, I start to think why in the world I am being put through this. I resent the fact that others are lucky enough to get their first choice modules despite them being popular, while I'm relegated to the unlucky many. It just seems terribly unfair. I often try to console myself by convincing myself that I wouldn't have changed my actions at that point in time anyway, so there is really nothing to regret. And perhaps, my small-mindedness is unable to see beyond what God has put in my path, so I guess I'm living on the promises of God alone, that He will provide in all circumstances.
I've talked to almost all tom, dick, jane and mary of my batch, and I can't count the number of times I've repeated my story over and over. At first it was carthartic, then it just became tiring, to the extent I now just mumble, "It's a long story." But I appreciate the listening ears and the proliferation of advice and assurance that things will be fine. It's the solidarity of the law fac, somehow, that makes their words more genuine, as they can truly empathise.
After a harrowing experience with the administration today, I walked out of the admin block in such sorrow and despair that a chance meeting with a close friend just caused me to break down in front of him all of a sudden. I didn't intend to, but I just did. I tried to walk away quickly because I didn't want him (or anyone else for that matter) to see me in that state, but he forced me to stop and ask me what's wrong. I was just touched at the kindness he extended towards me despite rushing for time. It was an unexpectedly nice gesture, one that I will remember for a long while.
posted by solitude @ 11:08 PM
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