the wash of happiness
It's happened seven times, and I haven't gotten tired of it yet. The aftertaste of exams is S-W-E-E-T! ;)
Time seems to stand still now. For once, I don't have the surreal feeling that it's over, because I have big plans for the holidays to come. There's so much to do in such a short time, given that I'm to be away in the second week. There's christmas shopping, christmas card writing, catching up on my readings (haha storybooks, that is), touring the places I desperately want to visit... I'm definitely going to draw up a plan for this. Sigh, holidays are such beautiful creatures to be embraced... :)
I feel so happy.
food break
It was only after tackling last year's papers that I realised how little I actually knew. Sigh. The panic sanked in as I desperately tried to write out a mock answer to see whether I could actually handle those dreaded questions. It was quite a rude awakening, but maybe I should be thankful that it happened now instead of on the day itself.
Last night's dinner was an authentically sinful teochew fare. I do not know the exact name of the place but the restaurant was along mosque street. If you're facing the main chinatown road, it is on the left side. I've never mentioned this but I really like the atmosphere that chinatown gives me. Walking down those old lanes with ancient shophouses lining each side of the street brings to mind images of the past where people hawker their food and wares in traditional noisy fashion. Walking down chinatown lets me soak in the days of old and put myself in my ancestors' footsteps.
We ordered fantastic food - goose meat (dipped in black sauce type), cold pork (man, it was so tasty!), fried pig's intestines (sinfully good...) and a plate of xiao bai cai (which was stir-fried to perfection). My parents ordered teochew porridge while I stuck with white rice, although on hindsight I should have ordered the porridge too because it smelt so fresh that even not being a huge fan of porridge, I had to succumb to the aroma and asked my mom to let me have a taste of it. And true to its smell, the watery porridge was delightfully sweet. For dessert, it was my favourite
orh-ni (yam paste). I've always liked yam but this
orh-ni has taken the taste to a whole new level. The dinner has undoubtedly refuelled my energy, heh.
This orh-ni was taken with a 1.3 mega-pixel phone, so it may not look as delicious as it ought to, but trust me, the taste was authentically heavenly. :) Ginko nuts and pumpkin complemented the taste. And if what I hear is true, the shiny liquid is apparently pure lard. Sigh. Good-tasting food always comes with a trade-off.
thoughts
It's been an observable phenomenon each time this period of semester swings by, but I always forget that productivity levels really dip without a proper break. As it is, I've holed myself up at home for the entire week, only going out for my regular jogs. That is how bad I'm having it. And it only hit me today that I felt so sick and tired of studying that if I don't put something savoury or sweet in my mouth soon, I'm gonna collapse from the sheer fatigue of my brain. With that in mind, I had already arranged a dinner out with my parents later. Hopefully we go someplace nice. :) In fact, even hawker food sounds good to me now.
The thing about reading fantasy stories is that you cease to live in the real world. Your mind is constantly filled with the images described in the book and when you finally look up from it, the world seems to be of a different colour. I still see the practical side of having to handle my daily responsibilities, but my heart is no longer in it. The world suddenly seems temporal and you keep hoping for a world as beautiful as described in the book to appear soon. I wonder if this is healthy, but I feel happy, somehow.
I likened jogging to running the race of life. You know that you have a long way to go, and the only way to get there is to keep at a steady pace and maintain it. It's the sight of the end that motivates one to continually put one foot in front of the other. Only when nearing the end that you know you can pick up the pace. But life isn't entirely like that. You don't know where the end is. It is usually estimated to be around 80 years, but who knows, it could very well be tomorrow. As such, the only way to run the race of life is to keep steadily at a comfortable pace for as long as possible for the rest of your life. Once in a while, you see others overtake you, and an instinctive competitive streak may tempt you to keep up with that faster pace, but if you really know yourself and your limits, then you just got to hold back that temptation and continue with your own pace. Because if you run faster, you will only burn out easily and not reach your goal in the end. Better the slow and steady runner who reaches his end, than a fast one who burns out quickly achieving nothing. I don't think God wants us to run a fast race; He just wants us to run a
good race.
crazy dream
I'm in one of those denial phases.
I'm beginning to think I'm actually not really prepared at all for exams, but have been falsely led to believe that I am. I don't know where this sense of belief came from or how I am going to eradicate it, or whether I am even going to. SIGH. Just today, I felt absolutely no guilt from having slept from 1.30-4pm for my regular afternoon nap. It was an amazing sleep, and I had the most spectacularly incredible dream ever. It was so nonsensical.
I was living on a farm in a village, and there were villains on an animal-rampage, killing cattle with a quick poke of their rakes. It was deadly and no one could stop them. The villagers were panicky and terrified. I suggested to them that they keep their cattle in the sheds and put plastic bottles (the 1.5 litre kind) outside to trick the villains into thinking the bottles were actually the cattle (don't ask me why). For some strange reason, the villagers followed my suggestion and those villains actually bought it. From behind the windows, we saw them raking the plastic bottles viciously as if they were the real animals.
When they finally discovered the trick, they plotted to take revenge and the villagers became anxious again. This time, I suggested that we bring the cattle to the nearby school and hide them there, and at the same time we could give the students an educational lesson on cows. We brought the cows to the main corridor and strangely, the cows began to moo loudly and four of them (clearly the leaders) started to stand on their hindfeet and put up a most ridiculous dance and pose. All of us just stood there watching as if it was perfectly normal, and gradually even the villagers joined in the "party". There was great cheering and music and everyone was having a whale of a time. Just then, the villains entered the corridor. All partying stopped and the cows, villagers and school children quickly disappeared into the doors on either side of the corridor. The place was empty and pitch-silent. I was hiding in one of the rooms, atop a bunk bed, hoping against hope the door wouldn't open. But as luck would have it, it did and in walked one of the villains. He looked at me and asked why I was in school. And for the life of me I didn't know why I answered, "I'm having chemistry lessons." He looked at me and asked again, "Chemistry lessons? Are you sure?" And I bravely repeated (amidst the quivering of my voice), "Yes, chemistry lessons. I take chemistry, so of course I must attend chemistry lessons. " And he went, "Oh." And left the room.
Eventually I escaped by climbing out of the window of one of my friends' rooms, but I had forgotten my glasses. Instead, I was wearing a pair of gigantic sunglasses with no degree and everything was a blur to me. I remembered thinking to myself whether I should risk going back to my friend to get my glasses or should I just push on with my escape, but I figured I wasn't going to escape far with blurry vision. So back I went and asked my friend to retrieve my spectacles. She came back with a toy pail and shovel, the kind you bring to the beach to play with. I looked at them questioningly. Then another friend of mine (who suddenly happened to be beside me) said, "Spectacles! Not sand particles!" "Ohh..." said my friend, and went back to get my real glasses. Then I woke up.
food cures
And so, one week left, the fight continues.
I've been surprisingly coping well with this semester's exams, too well in fact. I'm stressed that I'm not stressed. For the first time I'm reading my notes not as exam notes but as general knowledge. And I find that I retain the information far easier in this context. Heh. But of course, the downside is they are the equivalent of newspaper quality, read once and only if someone mentions them again will I remember. Sigh. That's why I have to read them again (and again) so that they stick in my head spontaneously.
I have a weakness for beijing jiaozi and xiao long bao. Ever since I found out that the killiney kopitiam along cheong chin nam road (whose zhao pai is very suspicious because it looks so different from the original) sells them, I've been thinking about it crazily. So much so that when my parents returned from overseas, I dragged them there last night to have dinner. And yes, they were impressed with the range (and quality) of food. My dad was quite suspect of the zhao pai and asked the waitress whether they truly were a branch of the authentic killiney, and she just produced a blur face before hurriedly hazarding a yes. Heh, ah well. There should be some trademark infringement going on here, but no news thus far, so giving them the benefit of the doubt. I've also developed a recent taste for cereals, particularly nuts, dried fruits, oats/museli type. Yum. Having breakfast cereals makes me look forward to waking up, haha.
Talking about food (and savouring them in my mouth at the same time) makes the stresses of life disappear for a while.
to the unreached
Friend: not studying? haha
Me: haha am. but forgot to put busy
Me: actually just propping up my notes
Friend: orh ok
Friend: buy a stand for them
Me: ......
It's been relatively fruitful, and the way I'm taking it is highly worrying. I'm ahead of my schedule so there's some breathing space, but I don't want to turn it into overconfidence and end up suffering badly for my arrogance. :(
Last tuesday, I was invited to a friend's place to help out in an outreach to her neighbour's construction workers. It was the first I had heard of such generosity and loving attitude. She also invited a korean pastor and his family, and two indian friends who helped in delivering the gospel and translation. Being naturally shy around strangers, I was initially apprehensive about how I was to behave. But surprisingly, I enjoyed myself immensely. I loved talking to the korean family (especially the korean wife) about their missions work in cape town and how they appreciated the security and good government that singapore has. When I informed the wife the constant lament singaporeans have of their government, she said that it was only because they had not been to the other side, the dangerous parts of the world where crime is rampant and everyone carries a gun, that they are blind to the little things that make living in singapore so wonderful. Interestingly, it's been the same sentiment I've been receiving each time I engage with foreigners. Are we really that blind?
I also learnt more about the korean culture. It's different learning from books and through people. I learnt that the south are still banned from travelling to the north, that kimchi is a must-have at every meal, that dog meat is a delicacy but only specially-bred dogs can be eaten, and that "kim sam soon" means third daughter with the connotation of having no luck in getting a son.
The night went well. Food was excellent. The company was chatty and cheerful, and my inhibition was gradually shed. I wonder how the construction workers responded though. I wonder what my response would be if I were in their position.
look ahead
After days of living off a false sense of security, the sense of urgency and total ignorance has finally sunk in, and I'm beginning my last few weeks of hard labour before the finale. It's seriously hard to study (even for two papers) after having struggled through a whole semester of writing and researching. But on the bright side, I have finally conquered my fear of writing papers and even enjoy research papers. Somehow there is so much more certainty in the final product, knowing that you had taken your time to read up and tidy up your grammar, sentence structure whatnot. You also learn so much more because of the in-depth study. I can only hope for the same enthusiasm in the next semester, seeing how most of my choices are research papers.
Anyhow, I've been waiting for today to finally write this. Remember how at the beginning of the semester I had lamented my module selection, and having to end up with theoretical foundations of crim law, which is something I would never have expected myself to take? I regret my words. I thoroughly enjoyed the course, learning the ways of the criminal mind and delving into a bit of psychology and philosophy instead of the usual hard substantive law. The fact that it's non-examinable made it all the more attractive. Plus, I've grown much closer to the year 4s who took the same module. All in all, I learnt that God indeed has a reason for putting me at a particular position at a particular time. I feel smarter coming out of the course, haha. Oh yeah, and I waited till today because it is today that the course officially ended.
out of the blue
Just installed IE7 and fiddling about with the new mechanics. Quite interesting. A bit confusing but I think I can get used to it. Plus I've changed my browser skin to Quartz, so it's got a refreshing feel to it with mostly blue background. I've come to realise that constant changes in your life make you happy. It's when you're stuck in a rut that life becomes the most meaningless, and consequently depressing. Which is why retail therapy works. Because when you buy something new, you're introducing a change in your life that you like and look forward to wearing (or using as the case may be). It stops you from dwelling on unhappy or stressful things, albeit momentarily.
I also think that living alone and not being able to cook makes one grow bigger. Because you tend to feel lonely and stock up on junk food that gives you that temporary high rather than eat proper meals. Conversely, when you're with family, you normally consume rice, vegetables and meat, because you know it's your staple diet, and eating it with family connotes some form of stability in your life. Also if you're alone, your mouth moves less (because there's no one to talk to) and the only form of exercise it gets is through eating, so we tend to eat more when we're alone.
See what I can cook up in the midst of stress and loneliness? Sigh.
"me" time
I indulged in retail therapy after lecture today. It felt wonderful. I haven't had time to tour around shopping malls and look at clothes for ages. As such, I've been wearing the same "rags" to school almost everday for quite some time. They're affectionately termed "rags" la, I don't really mean it because I genuinely do like some of my clothes; it's just that wearing them day in day out can get boring after a while (
oh no, is marriage like that?). Anyhow, I finally bought some proper working clothes. Nice, form-fitting ones in fact - a black blazer, matching skirt and a white blouse. Looking forward to buying more collared long-sleeved shirts. I think my taste is changing from comfortable cotton to smart preppy. Sigh, is it a sign of the coming of age?
On a side note, I think the baked dumplings of Pau Dian are delicious! I've been craving for beijing dumplings ever since law relocated to bukit timah and no longer can I buy the famous thursday beijing
jiao zi from the business canteen. So perhaps any dumplings would have tasted great in my mouth. But Pau Dian is famous for good food anyhow, shown by the many newspaper clippings they put up, heh. Sigh. I can still savour the taste in my mouth. Darn.
a 'serena' moment
I had engaged in yet another 'serena' moment, so said my friend. It happened during mediation class today, when joel was just getting started. Then an unfamiliar figure walked through the door. A girl was turning around "haha-ing" to a friend before confidently walking in, only to realise that she was in the wrong class. And she quickly left in embarrassement. I suppose the class found it amusing, but being typically me, I found it exceptionally amusing so much so that I gave a loud burst of laughter, which resulted in everyone's attention on me. But that's not it. When I realised about 30 pairs of eyes were on me, I felt obliged to explain why I thought it was funny. That she said "haha" confidently to her friend only to end up in the wrong class, yadayada... But the more I rambled, the more puzzled joel's face became, so much so that in the end, I threw my hands in the air in exasperation and said, "argh, never mind." And at that, the whole class burst out laughing. I've no idea why what I said was so funny, but I guess it was, as my friend likes to put it, another classic 'serena' moment. Later he told me that he knew it was coming the moment I started explaining myself. Ah well. It's interesting to know that I can be the class clown just by being myself.
outburst
Weeks are flying by so quickly. It's already the beginning of november, the month that smells of exams. Ew. Finally completed my FIVE essays this semester. I felt like I've just written an entire storybook, heh. I can't believe I actually survived them. Hm, have I really? Am I still the same old serena or have I gone a bit bonkers?
Just today, my friend seriously pissed me off. I was feeling very tired and wanted to have lunch in school instead of walking to serene centre. Besides I had work to do too before my next lesson. But my friend tried to persuade me to make the walk to serene centre but I firmly held my ground. I emphasised how tired and sleepy I was. And what happened next was totally unexpectedly rude. He pinched me, first softly then harder and harder until it was so painful that I shouted, "Oww!" He said it was on the pretext of waking me up. ARGH. I was so angry that I just had to hit back at him. I just literally shouted at him and asked what was his problem. He saw the change in my attitude and offered his arm to me so that I could pinch him back. But of course I refused. And I told him straight off if he wanted to go to serene centre, he can go by himself, because I'm definitely staying put. In the end, he stayed behind to lunch with me. But I was quite angry. He's one of those with no social graces and increasingly it is something I cannot tolerate. I'm contemplating whether I should still hang out with him because we sorta belonged to the same social circle, and it's difficult not to. But I don't want to subject myself to such un-gentlemanliness and ungracious behaviour anymore. Just because I close one eye and one ear to your filthy words and ungainly ways does not mean I can be taken advantaged of. If I need to, I will lash out at you once more.
reaching out for an answer
It has been forewarned that Man is unreliable and only God is the unwavering pillar of our lives. How true.
I don't know why but increasingly I'm beginning to feel a disconnect with persons whom I once considered close and trustworthy. Friends whom you thought were reliable, who would provide the support you need, and basically behave in a certain way you expect a friend ought to behave. But I realised as we grow older and our paths diverge, the differences become more pronounced and jarring. The friendships that were made out of convenience (either through school or committee work) are increasingly difficult to upkeep because the differences which were once ignored as insignificant now play a big role in our interaction. As I become more defined in my personality/identity and become acutely aware of my likes/dislikes, my tolerance for differences take a major dip. There are just certain traits that I can no longer bear, one of which is irresponsibility. Try as I might to see the other person's point of view, I cannot come up with any plausibly logical reason for someone to say 'yes' first and later change his/her mind just because he/she doesn't feel like it or come up with some crap excuse. If you can't do it, say 'no' from the start. If you're not sure, say 'maybe'. If time and again you keep saying 'no', rethink your committment issues. There are just some things which are basic common sense and courtesy.
What should my next course of action be, with regards to these persons? It's very strange and awkward to simply say, "look, I don't really want to continue this friendship anymore because I don't think it's beneficial to either of us." But it's equally hypocritical to continue one simply on the basis that we've been friends for so long. In anticipation that one would say I'm simply simmering in anger at the moment and not thinking rationally, I assure you that it's not the first time it's happened, and everytime it does, I always push it aside and let time take away the pain I felt. I tell myself, it's okay, he/she doesn't mean it, it'll be better next time. But I think it comes to a point where I must take a stand not to eat the crap these persons are feeding me anymore. Friendships are supposed to be beneficial, edifying and uplifting. If they no longer serve these purposes, what compelling reason is there for me to remain in it?
The only ones I can think of -
peace. harmony.
love.
Sigh. Are these good enough reasons? God, what in the world do you want me to do?
relaxing night out
Thursday looks set to be one of those days that I take time off to relax and just chill with my friends. :)
After lecture, my friend and I went over to serene centre and waited for another friend to arrive before having dinner. While waiting, we took a leisure walk around the white building next to serene centre and explored the oft neglected place. We discovered an italian restaurant (da paolo) stashed away secretly at the end of a path made of wooden planks flanked with rows of green bamboo. It was so deliciously quiet and secluded that we almost reconsidered eating there! The decor both inside and out was very beautiful... On the outside there was a panel of thin slabs of stone stacked on top of one another surrounded by greenery and fans above. The furniture inside mostly consisted of thick darkish wood with mirrors and wine lining the bar. It was simply out of this world, and the fact that it was hidden in one corner just made it all the more special and cosy.
My friend eventually came and we had dinner at the quaint french place at serene centre, the one that took over the old place of island creamery. It was a very good time just catching up, sharing our hopes and dreams and worries and fears that we all have in common I guess. I love nice, quiet chats like these. It makes me appreciate life a little more to know that such precious moments exist even when faced with the very real practicalities of life. For those few hours, everything that affects you cease to exist and only the company of treasured friends is to be enjoyed.
:)
Some of my law friends are brilliant. They have an unceasing questioning mind and always take a sceptical approach first before swallowing lump-sum what the teacher tells them. The more I mix with them, the more I find myself attracted to this bunch of bright, quick-witted and humourous people. I don't understand how they can utter the most inane comment, yet appear absolutely brilliant and funny. Today was one of those rare days that I laughed and smiled the hardest.
