simply grateful
Warm, fuzzy feeling abounds within me. :)The most recent paper is yet another miracle. It was a 3-questions-choose-2 type. After having done the 2nd question, I was deciding between 1 and 3. It took me a good 7 minutes to come to a conclusion, and people taking
essay exams would know that 7 minutes is a lot. You can write a good paragraph and score extremely valuable points. While I was writing the answer to question 2, at the back of my mind, I had already decided on question 1. But after I looked at the question again, I felt that I simply couldn't do it because I had too little material on it. 3, on the other hand, was daunting. It was not that it was difficult, but my knowledge on that particular topic happens to be slightly weaker. Plus because there were so many parts to it, time constraint was a major issue. So for that 7 minutes, I was flipping the paper back and forth, deciding fervently whether I should go ahead with question 1, which would save me lots of time but with little to write, or question 3, which I would have to take the risk and try and do it despite not having a good grasp of the topic. In the end, I felt the soft prompting that said, "Do question 3. You know more of it. Question 1 would be disastrous."
So in the end, I listened and did question 3. And I realised from the moment I started tackling the question that I had made the right decision. It was definitely easier than it looks, and my notes did help to tide me over. And best of all, I managed to answer each section on time. The answer may not have been in full, but at least the gist of it was there.
Truly grateful for yet another miracle.
beyond the realms
I've yet to figure myself out. It's an interesting phenomenon, and I've been unable to keep track of the numbers anymore.Rewarded myself with a nice jog around my estate today. Instead of going the usual route, I decided to explore new grounds, run in between the houses and check out my neighbours. Heh. It was refreshing and helped to clear the clutter in my mind. Exercise is always good for the mind and body. Already I feel the positive effects it has on my skin, which was, just this afternoon, full of red itchy spots. I don't even know if they are pimples because they're so itchy! But anyway, all that has subsided with a nice evening jog all by myself. Lovely. :) Work does take a toll on my complexion. :(
Reality, at this moment, is an empty concept.
the coming of age
Every once in a while, I tend to forget that in relation to most people I know, I'm actually considered
young.
I guess the things I do make me feel old. Things like being a facilitator in OC where I'm surrounded by younglings, being a mentor to my secondary school kid mentee, or simply just being a third year in uni, seeing fresh faces enter with enthusiasm and gusto that I now sorely lack. My parents are also beginning to treat me more and more like an adult (I think) because they often trust me with my actions and decisions, but continue to fuss around my little sister like a 6-year old. Just this evening at dinner, my sister was contemplating on what to do with her 6-month break and I suggested taking driving lessons. And immediately my father said, "No la, too young." He had never said that to me when I was her age. It just goes to show how both my parents have long treated me a lot older than I really am.
I grow up way too fast. It's not simply isolated to the things I do, but also to my thought process. I remember thinking rationally as a kid, as young as say, 4 years old. I would feel a certain way, but before I could act upon it, I always think to myself, is this how I ought to behave? Which was why I never asked for toys, because I always felt I was imposing on my parents, preferring them to buy things for me of their own accord instead. When my sister was born, it made things a whole lot easier; I simply asked my sister to ask my parents, and they often give in. Nah, I'm no angel. I clearly recall the times that I've been very naughty too, but that will be another story.
Point of the day: Age is no barrier to how you feel. In my case, no matter how young people say I am, I feel old. :(
thankful spirit
2 days have passed since the start of the exams, and 2 papers are down, with 2 more to go. :)
I guess with all my heart I should be thankful that despite being very unprepared for the past 2 papers, especially given the state of mind that I'm currently in, that God chose to save me from the clutches of "evil" failure and grant me the peace and serenity to do reasonably well, not forgetting relatively manageable papers too. I always leave the exam hall thinking to myself, how in the world did I manage to even survive that horror with such little preparation? It has truly been nothing short of a miracle.
On the upside, I am glad that exams have finally started, having had 3 long weeks before that doing absolutely nothing but just planning on what to cover the next day. It's not so much the time spent on studying, but also the energy and fatigue that accompanies it. Even playing in the midst of studying becomes a problem because I get so caught up with guilt whenever I think of everyone else at home diligently poring over their books. So with the advent of exams, so will the demise of exams arrive shortly after. :P
In other news. I just watched Extreme Japan earlier, and it was a most gruesome episode! Basically, as part of the extreme challenge, the hosts had to taste an exotic food. So first they ate some unknown meat, which all of them agreed was kinda rubbery. Then when they finally opened this box to reveal the kind of animal they just ate, horror upon horrors, it was an innocent tortoise! And that was not all. Later, they showed how the chef actually killed the tortoise. The tortoise is first laid on its back on the chopping board with its white underside exposed. Then the chef picked up the tortoise and made it "stand" vertically, picked up the knife and brutally slit the throat of tortoise, and let the blood drip into a cup. Gosh, it was so terrifying that I shed a tear. To see such a helpless animal being subjected to such brutality all for the sake of exotic cuisine was just too much to bear. I could understand why the producers had to put "at the viewers' discretion" before the show came on. Sigh. I know this doesn't just apply to tortoise but to all animals, and it really makes me wonder whether by eating meat, am I truly such a savage. Sigh. I guess what I don't see won't hurt me, so I shall live by that philosophy. :P
rain after the drought
For that one hour, I was living in a different world...
I happened to tune in to HBO after dinner, and it was playing the Cinderella story starring Hilary Duff. Yes, I did think it was such a teeny-boopy show, but I continued watching anyway. Surprisingly it turned out to be quite well-written. It kept true to the original script but with modern elements added to it, making it both refreshingly humourous yet touching at the same time. Gosh, towards the end when the "prince" tore away from his all-important football match just to run after his "princess", my heart twinged in sweet pain and I simply teared. Sigh.
Maybe it's not the story... Maybe it's me.
duty versus desire
When I told myself to go intensive this last week, I didn't expect myself to take it so seriously!
It's been a long, long week. One that is filled with nothing but words upon words that swirl in my head like a neverending blender, sometimes in total incoherence. I've come to realised that I'm no superwoman, much as I would love to be (with gorgeous-looking costumes and enviable powers), and that my brain juices do need time to replenish itself. So it is with great reluctance that I take a deliberate break from my work this friday night to just relax my mind with other thoughts. It's hard to sit back and do nothing without feeling jittery about it.
I had a weird craving for hor-fun for a long time, and I finally managed to satisfy my craving today! Went to the bukit timah market with my sister and ta-baoed our dinner back. :) Yum yum. In the midst of having dinner and watching Friends, my relatives came over for a short visit. Of particular importance is the arrival of my cousin whom we've not seen for a long time. She is now married with 2 kids, and her kids are simply adorable! The daugher is 5 years old, while the son is 4. Both are extremely cute, very good-looking, and because they were brought up in the US, their american accent does make them appear a lot more grown-up. My parents went out for dinner with them, leaving my sister and myself at home.
Which brings me to my next point. My father had actually tried to get me to go for the dinner earlier, but I had already planned my friday night to be a nice, quiet, relaxing one all to myself. Just me, my hor-fun and the comforts of home with only my thoughts to accompany me in the silence of the night. The mere thought of having to dress up, go to some fancy place and eat and having to rack my brains for entertaining small-talk topics just didn't appeal to my tired brain at that moment. But my father seemed to be pleading quietly with me to go, because we've not seen them for such a while, but I was really tired. Even if I may not have planned any real work for tonight, I really wanted a rest. Thus, a real conflict ensued between my duty as a daughter and my personal desire to stay home. I felt bad disappointing him, but I convinced myself that at least I still had the opportunity to see my relatives before they left for dinner, and whatever catching up that needs to be done would've been done then. Personally, I wouldn't have hesitated so much, and the only reason why I would ever have gone is because of my father. But tonight, I just gave in to my desires and decided to stay put. And I wonder if that makes me a bad daughter. Sigh.
an outlet
I've acquired a new skill - speed reading.
For the past 2 days, I've done nothing but read and read and read. And because there is so much material to cover, I literally train my eyes to just skim over the words very quickly, letting whatever my brain could process in that millisecond to sink in. And I know I'm absorbing stuff when after 13 hours of such reading, my brain starts to feel very full and tired. At the moment, I could actually continue to finish my notes because I'm very much awake, but my brain is begging me to stop. It has peaked its capacity. Which is also the reason why I feel the urge to write. The way information penetrated so quickly into my head is far too dangerous for it to remain that way. My brain needs to stop taking in and start being used for a healthy balance.
Okay, my brain feels better now. I can feel it breathing more normally. :) Before that, it was on the brink of insanity.
random thoughts
It's been a long day... Sigh, I doubt I can finish reading everything, which is a first. There's just too much to cover and too little time. I just have to read smart now, and hope that whatever I choose to read is important.
My health's recovering, thanks to the the vitamins auntymich gave me. :) And also to the chicken essence which my father bought, the loads of water which I keep drinking, and for the times that I can sleep.
I've always wondered what people ever saw/see in me, and am still wondering now, especially when I look at totally unglam photos of myself. Oh well.
My sister cried over her papers today. Sigh. My heart really ached when I saw her tears, the way she looked so despondent knowing that she could have done better. I guess the pressure from her good prelim results may have a part to play. Just praying that she'll get over it soon enough to concentrate on her remaining papers.
As for me, I'm still struggling. Yeah, a neverending struggle. Need to muster all that I have to get through this. With God's strength, I will.
happy times
So many things have happened lately, the biggest of which I've not told anyone yet, because I'm still unsure of it myself. But it's a good thing. :)
Today's the last time we're playing badminton together. theresa's going overseas, and I have to study for my exams, so we played a solid 2-hour badminton game. We resumed our usual pairing of james and myself against nicol and theresa. In the first few games, james and I were leading. But I guess our arm strength failed us towards the end as nicol and theresa finally got the upper hand, and beat us 4 games to 3. :( Oh well, we took it as a parting gift to theresa. ;P I felt that I improved tremendously today, peaking at the 4th and 5th game. To make up for my lack of height, I decided to jump and hit the shuttlecock instead of just standing. And yep, it really helped immensely. I could do more dropshots which I previously couldn't because my arm wasn't long enough. :P My reaction time also increased, resulting in my being able to hit back some of the smashes nicol was giving me. It was a good game overall, just wished I had more arm strength left to beat them. ;P
After our game, our desire for local desserts suddenly arose. We didn't want to settle for the clementi one as the portion of the ice kachang was puny, so we decided to drive to dover market instead. When we arrived, there was no ice kachang stall that was opened! Determined not to dampen our craving, we decided to adjourn to holland v instead, convincing ourselves that surely there must be an ice kachang stall somewhere. After a tumultous time with parking, we discovered again that there was no ice kachang! By now we were ravenous and all ready to give up searching for ice kachang. But good james lifted our spirits by saying that we must not let such setbacks thwart our search and desire for local desserts. That these pursuit of desserts is a must. But just imagine 3 cars going round and round the west area, just to find a place to satisfy our insatiable longing for ice in our mouths. It was madness. :P Finally we settled on going to the farrer court market. And yes, to our utter delight, a local dessert stall was opened! Thus we reaped our rewards...
Happily we tucked in while theresa snapped shots of our satisfied faces. It was a good meal with hilarious conversation, as usual. Sigh, we're sure going to miss these times...
crushed...
Sigh, I'm so crushed now...
My module allocation for the next semester has just been released and I realised that I didn't get allocated my first choice modules. Worse, I've only 2 4-credit modules, and I need to fulfil 20 credits. Sigh. My heart really sank when I saw my results. I just couldn't believe my misfortune. This darn balloting thing is finally turning against me. Sigh. What am I going to do?? Should I appeal? I'm just so, so sad right now. It's tantamount to receiving extremely bad grades. Somehow I think my complacency has resulted in this mysterious twist of fate. I'm just hoping it's a technical glitch. Ahh........
I guess the first thing I'm going to do tomorrow is to call the office, and ask if a possible solution or compromise could be made. Right now, I'm just praying that my mood won't affect my ongoing preparations for my exams...
Sigh, please pray that a solution can be found to this... It's very very important to me.... *crying inside*
taking my mind apart
Rewarding myself with a blog entry. :)
Yes yes, snigger all you want, you people with no exams, or are done with them. Sigh.In a way, having something to look forward to increases your drive to accomplish more work, or in my case, study. This weekend is going to be pretty packed. There's small group on friday evening, theresa's party on saturday night, and 2-hours of badminton on sunday. I'm actually half-considering sunday's event, but figures that having not run for almost, er, 2 weeks?, that I better get some exercise at any rate.
Thus, with so many activities taking place towards the later half of my week, I decided that by hook or by crook, I needed to complete all I can in the shortest amount of time. My usually-wandering brain would force itself to concentrate hard on the words leaping out at me each time I flipped the page. It's pretty intense. Perhaps the only drawback to having activities in the midst of studying is the increased difficulty in concentrating. If my brain gets too tired, it will unconsciously wander off to the nearest event that just occured and reflect on it, which currently happens to be playing badminton, indulging in ice-cream, attending my cousin's birthday party... Sometimes even I am unaware of the daydreaming.
It's a trade-off I suppose. Studying intensively versus difficulty in concentrating. This will probably be the last week I'm going out. My mind is not used to adjusting from play to work so quickly. It's not a multi-tasking brain. My entire brain juice needs to be focused on one thing for that one thing to be done well. When the juice is used for other purposes in between, the capability level drops. I can actually feel myself underperforming, even as I try to rationalise that it's all just in my head. Sigh. So I'm going to go intensive for my final week, tie up loose ends, re-read my notes, everything possible to just keep me going till my next semester, where the whole cycle will repeat itself again.
badminton and ice-cream
Just a quick entry. :)
Been playing badminton rather regularly with the guys, james and nicol, and theresa as well. Today we met up at clementi cc instead since there were no available courts at our old hangout. For a change we decided to swop partners, nicol and myself versus james and theresa. Out of 5 matches, we won 4. :) I guess the other two weren't adjusted as quickly as the two of us. But all in the name of fun.
There was one point where the shuttlecock was flying very near me, so in my hesitation, my racket lightly tapped the shuttlecock, but there wasn't enough power to send it hurtling back; instead it continued in its path towards nicol, who was behind. That set had actually ended, but due to his instinctive nature, he promptly whacked the shuttlecock, and guess where it landed - right at my back. Yeap. It didn't really hurt at that moment, but I'm feeling the after-effects of it now. Yeowch!
nicol left early, so the three of us headed down to sunset way's foodcourt for dinner before adjourning to the famous ice cream parlour at sunset way - Daily Scoop. We ordered three flavours - chocolate, mango and lychee martini. All tasted excellent. The chocolate was fantastic with a tinge of real chocolate bitterness, mango tasted like real mango, and the lychee tasted like lychee. Not much alcohol in it though, but nevertheless still yummy-licious. Gosh, we've been eating ice-cream everytime after we play badminton. I doubt that the amount of exercise I do is enough to kill all those calories I'm taking in. :( But who can resist a great sport with great company and great food.
Back to the notes.
the what-ifs
Sigh, I'm so stressed that I wish I could cry...
Exams are in 2 weeks' time, and while it may seem eons away, that is actually far from the truth. Having to study for 4 papers really drain the life out of me. Third year is a new experience, since in the past I only had to study for 2 papers each semester, and be the envy of all my other friends in other faculties. Well, my turn finally came, and I'm totally not enjoying it. There's so much information to digest. I thought by keeping up with consistent work that I could easily breeze through the exams, but I realised how wrong I was. I mean, there is so much more left uncovered! For each subject, I only have a hazy idea of what it is. It's not that I don't understand; I just don't understand
enough. Sigh. Printed out past year papers, and they look challenging and formidable. Sigh again.
Right now, I'm kinda in a wreck. My mind's wobbly, my notes are insufficient, and I just don't have the mood to study, which is a peculiar feeling for me. I'm usually disciplined and focused, and when something needs to be done, I'll do it good and quick. But this time, I just don't seem to have that motivation. I don't know why, but it's a really scary feeling to have. What if just before the exam I'm still totally clueless? What if I stare at the question and just give up? What if at the end of it, I do really badly and have no mood to celebrate christmas?
Actually the last point is the one that I'm most concerned about. Sigh.
What if I just study hard now, do the paper well, get it done and over with, so that I can enjoy my hols? Then I don't have to keep imagining worst case scenarios.
happy aches
Fridays are like the only days I look forward to these days. With such a happening young adult group, who can't help but eagerly await it?! (
plus the fact that the rest of the time I'm probably just sitting at home and trying to study. :()
As today was the first week of the month, we decided to take a break from all those heavy bible stuff we've been going through and do something light instead. And yep, we went to play badminton again. :) This time we booked 2 courts for 2 hours, and 9 of us showed up. I managed to rotate enough to pair up with most of the guys when playing doubles. Strangely, I didn't feel like I played my best today. :( Most of my smacks didn't manage to skim the net (always gets caught at the uppermost of the net) and I kept feeding high balls to the other side. Sigh. Oh well. But it was fun nonetheless. daren is seriously quite a good player. He knows exactly where he wants the shuttlecock to be, and can actually hit it right at that spot. His dropshots are also quite powerful. ben has a lot of strength. When he smacks, it's almost impossible to hit it back, even though you can anticipate where his shot is going. james is unusually sharp today. His reaction is so quick that he shoots the shuttlecock back before you can even blink. Coupled with his immense strength, he and ben make quite a formidable team. When I paired with alvin against those 2, we lost 2-15. That was my worst game, haha. The only game I won today was when I paired with daren against ben and theresa. Yeah, it's easier to win when you're not pitted against 2 guys! :P
As usual, after it was over, we headed down to a coffeeshop nearby to have dinner/supper. Conversation was exciting, from talking about theresa's theme party and daren giving absolutely crazy suggestions, to reminiscing about those days of yore without handphones, to crazy forfeits, and usually we return to the theme party ideas. It was hilarious. Mostly from daren, haha. Laugh until my sides ached, laugh until my face muscles ached. :P
My arms ache, but I feel blessed... :)
a cry out
Reality just gave me a slap across my face.I'm so mentally-drained and emotionally-tired that I don't wish to elaborate. Right now, all I'm desiring is God's peace and love to surround me in the midst of my preparations without thinking or feeling any further.I give up, Lord. Please help me.
current feelings
paranoia, worry, suspicion, resignation, nonchalance, but still expectant.
5 weird and random facts
Well, not intending to catch on to this game. In the midst of studying now and too tired to think of 5 people to pass this on to. But here goes anyway (and I'll try to think of weird things as much as possible):
1.
weird. I subconsciously talk to myself. This is especially so when I'm either
deep in thought (can't figure out a particular argument or concept) ,
plain frustrated at some of the things in life (eg, car in front moving too slowly, people taking their own sweet time jaywalking in which case I speed up at them, can't find a particular thing, etc), or just
bewildered (eg, "eh? how come this is like that?"). Only realised this idiosyncrasy when my sister pointed it out to me. Guess it's a natural outlet for my thoughts and feelings.
2.
weird. Whenever I prepare to go out, I have to switch on the radio. It just makes dressing up more fun. And if Class 95 plays a very disco music, I just
have to dance to it. Sometimes I dance in front of the mirror to see how my body moves to the music, so that I can better my moves. Shake your bon bon! (ok this is embarrassing).
3.
weird and random. My sleeping position is one leg straight, the other leg bent, with one arm over my head, and the other hugging my pillow at the side. I can either face the ceiling, or face half-side and half-downwards maintaining that position. It's my all-time favourite sleeping position. :)
4.
random. I'm a control freak. I need to have my life everything under my control, which is why sometimes submitting to the authority of God is very difficult for me. This requires loads of prayer and lots of trust in God.
5.
random. I've suffered from hyperthyroidism since I was 9 years old. It's hereditary, but nothing to be alarmed about. But it also explains why I'm exceptionally sensitive to changes in my body, for instance excessive sweating, weak stamina, weight loss, and even my bowel movements. When it swings from constipation to mild diarrhoea, that's when my alarm bells start ringing. I've already gone for the radioactive iodine treatment, and currently under monitoring stage.
Alright, there you go. Nothing outrageously new, I hope. :)
