special eyes
Perception is often far greater than reality. We dream, we envision, sometimes we envy, sometimes we work towards it. But if ever we reach our goal, things are somehow never quite like what we perceived them to be. We may not even know if we have reached the dream. The drudgery of reality sets in, and even though through everyone's eyes, we're living out
the dream, we often don't feel it. That's when the power of imagination sets in; we must be able to take ourselves out of the picture and see ourselves through a third person's eyes for us to fully appreciate our lives. And that's often hard to do.
the body and brain
The body is a strange and funny thing. While most people think that the flesh is the antithesis of our brain (because it often has comfort and pleasure as its only objective), it in actual fact works hand in hand with our will. For instance, if we were bent on learning a new subject, and the initial period is difficult, our bodily instinctive reaction would be to give up. But if we will ourselves to stick to it, slowly our body will recognise that this is the path our brain has chosen and will adapt accordingly to suit our brain's wishes. True, it still has comfort and pleasure as its final goal, but it is creative enough such that it can attain it without disobeying the brains' orders; in essence it deals with the discomfort in a different way.
I hope that is what is happening with me now.
changes are not bad
The biggest change I'm going through? Acknowledging the fact that people (and I) do change. And that changes aren't necessarily bad.
I guess having been through some bad patches in my younger and naive days, I've always thought I had seen the worst, and I've experienced the shittiest of times, and nothing could get any worse than what I've already been through. In that sense, I was (and still am, relatively) rather satisfied at the stage that I've reached - a general sense of comfortability with myself and who I grew to be. I thought that from now on, life would be smooth-sailing and any new circumstances thrown at me would be easily and readily handled by this confident stable me. Never did I expect myself to undergo even more changes. Mentally, practically, intellectually, emotionally. It came as a shock to me that instead of dealing with these new circumstances like the mature young adult I thought I was, these new circumstances had by contrast altered and forced this immature baby to grow up even more! In a sense, I felt stretched beyond what I thought were my limits. Admittedly, the initial pulling stage is rather unpleasant and at times sorely painful, but like the rubber band, when it reaches the stage where force is no longer needed to stay in that stretched position, it's when the going gets easier, I suppose. But yes, I've grown to appreciate the value of being stretched, of undergoing changes in my life. If I have to shoulder heavier responsibilities in future, the only way is for the rubber band in me to grow bigger to encompass these new things.
So yes, in an unprecedented moment of admission, I declare that changes are not necessarily bad. I would qualify however by stating that being unaware of the changes taking place in one's life is.
the race of life
The weeks are once again flying by. With barely a blink of an eye, it's already the end of the third week of plc. Truly it only heralds the beginning of heavier work to come. Honeymoon period is fast disappearing. Our heavenly days of chilling out for long stretch of hours are diminishing so steathily that they're gone even before we know it. It's like youth. I look back at my education days and remembered how it used to seem like forever to graduation, to working life. I struggled so hard during year 1 in uni that I never thought I will make it to year 4. But here I am, past the finishing line and onto the next race of my life. Where have all the days of initial struggles gone to? Spent on my youth. As I embark on the next journey, toiling through similar difficulties faced in any beginning, I remember my youthful days, those filled with pain and torture of being a complete and utter greenhorn, and I take comfort in the fact that one day this too will pass, and what I need to do now is simply to garner enough strength just to take the next step, and the next, and the next. I will reach the finishing line one day, it's only a matter of time.
Don't drop out, don't be distracted, keep my mind on the prize, and run the race. Youth is not meant for enjoyment purposes; it's to give us the strength to overcome hardships that we may not, in our later years, have the willpower to do so anymore.
my precious head
I haven't felt this relaxed in a long while. As much as I had mentally prepared myself for the transition from a studying routine to the working life, I think I may have made light of the process. I know this has been mentioned several times over, but I still can't get over the fact how a mere change as this could have such a tremendous impact on me. I've experienced a serious reduction of my mental capacity to think logically and rationally, a host of unpredictable emotional upheavals and a stress-induced lowering of my metabolic rate. While beginning plc has ameliorated the situation somewhat, I'm still experiencing the traumatic after-effects of it.
Perhaps the worst thing about work is not so much the cuffing of physical freedom but the imprisonment of one's thoughts to only the tasks at hand. I missed staring into space once in a while to daydream, to reflect, to think of theories and working it out in my head and see if it fits with reality... Such thoughts relax me, and when I'm relaxed, I think better, I'm more logical, and in turn, my emotions are more stable. Work simply does not permit me such luxury. Which is why I'm savouring every moment of my relaxed mental state right now, for I know in a few months' time, this will once again be taken away from me, and who knows when I can next regain my mental freedom.
i want to grow up
Chijmes' main chapel is actually very very beautiful. Forget the glitzy bars and fancy restaurants full of expats and spgs desperately trying to pick up ang-moh men. The main chapel is a wonder to behold. The pointed-arc windows, the stained-glasses with pictures of Jesus and some of his disciples, the towering ceiling, the intricate carvings and not to mention the hanging chandeliers shimmering in splendid gold. Wow, I would love to enter such an architecture every Sunday.
After a night of (compulsory) fine dining, wine-drinking and small-talking with lawyers, it's back to work. Sigh. Tomorrow's gonna be a loooong day.
focus, focus!
Sigh. Ok ok I need to focus. It's been a blissful one week of hols, attending airy-fairy lectures without having to prepare any real work. But reality is slowly showing its face once more, reminding me that I have a big advocacy workshop this Saturday that I need to prepare. But the adrenaline rush which spilled over from my grad trip (yes! I'm still feeling the effects of glorious hols in nepal and tibet!) has made me quite incapable of beginning any real work. And corporate work doesn't really cut it. Argh. Save me, I need to regain some form of order and organisation in my life. Open the booklet, serena, and stop procastinating! Stop thinking of all the wonderful hols and future plans you have. Time is of the essence now.
working vs studying
strange man (think singlish). recently i've been feeling sleepier and sleepier. i'm not sure if it's the post-effects of work or the continuous attendance of lectures the past week that's causing it. but sometimes i get so tired that during the weekends, or every free hour i get for that matter, i just want to coop myself up at home, recuperate on my soft and lovely comforter and just drift off to dreamland where reality is what i make of it.
heh, from what i gather from everyone, work seems to be one gigantic monster that messed up the routine and freedom we were so accustomed to. no more opportunities to skip lectures, no more free time to take long lunches and dinners or play pool whenever we want. bosses at our necks, secretaries fussing over us, legal associates pressuring us to produce quality work which we have no clue about... on a more positive note, almost all working adults agree that it takes at least 3 years to get the hang of things. THREE years, can you imagine that? and i am already struggling very hard with only one month! sigh. but it does give me the impetus to push on knowing that this part of my life, as hard as it may be, is only temporary.
so far, beginning classes all over again is fun! i think i will greatly appreciate studying from now on. the hours, the friends, the excessive freedom... my last 6 months of pure enjoyment before being sold as a slave permanently to the working world (unless, of course, my future husband is rich and is capable of keeping me as a well-groomed housewife, haha). but barring that ideal scenario, i better savour the following months as much as i can. wow, the luxury of reading books (and not legal documents) is immeasurable.
an asian custom
Yay, work's finally over, for now, and studying begins yet again. After having been through a torturous 5 weeks of working experience, I begin to appreciate the lovelier aspects of studying - friends and freedom. :) Nevertheless, the paycheck one receives at the end of a month's work is equally satisfying. After getting a general consensus from my friends, and carefully deliberating how I ought to present it, today was the day I finally presented a portion of my salary to each of my parents. Never have I seen happier faces. My parents looked genuinely delighted to receive the sum that I gave them, even though it was peanuts compared to what they earned. But I guess it's not so much the amount that matters, but the thought of someone giving them a present (so to speak) and showing her heartfelt appreciation for all they have done. Perhaps that really was the clincher, the one that struck them the most. I'm glad I gave them. The look on their faces was pricelessly beautiful.
