beautiful rain
It's a cosy saturday afternoon, a heavy shower has just passed and the cool air lingers loosely. My sense of smell was assaulted by the freshness and sweetness of the atmosphere. Everywhere is silent saved for the occasional delightful chirps and excited twittering of distant sparrows. In the midst of a brewing storm, my soul is stilled by the comfort and peace of the surroundings. Lying on my softest comforter, I am reminded that the simplest pleasure of life makes me happy.
tomorrow is uncertain
Just a sudden attack at realising how unpredictable the future is. I hear stories of people losing their parents at a tender age, of break-ups occuring after a solid 4-5 years, of staunch christians losing their faith when power and money get to their heads... Somehow hearing these tragic stories opened my eyes to a world of unhappiness and grief. That truly we need God in our lives. We don't always understand the things that happened, and as we struggle through difficult periods, we will always ask God the inevitable question: why, why me? But through my experiences, I've come to know that God is real and I can always count on Him to bring me through life's darkest valleys. I know that given my obsessive need for order and certainty, I have a more-than-average desire for perfection in my life. And when things are not the way I want, I can be abnormally frustrated. But I've come to recognise that without these unpleasant experiences, I will never share the intimate relationship with God I now have. Holding His hand as I weather through life never felt more safe and secure. Indeed, life is such an unpredictable creature. I cannot imagine journeying it without Him.
Guard my heart, God, and keep me close to You always.James 4:13-16
Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil.
growing sadder
Everyday as I trudge to school, I am reminded of how I am taking one step closer to reaching the end of my education life. 6+4+2+4 = 16 years in this Singapore education system. Much as I grunt and groan at having to mug for tests and examinations, and writing a gazillion essays, there's an indescribable sense of loss at leaving something which I've grown to love and endure. I know that the times I'm going to miss are those memorable ones spent with my kindred souls. We laughed together, we stressed together. Everyday we complain, everyday we endure, everyday we smile at one another. :) These are the mercy sprinkling of precious little trinkets of happiness found in this highly-stressful education system, and I'm not ready to let go of them just yet. I just played pool with my friends at the lounge today, and for those few minutes, I cease to worry about my impending essay and just fully indulge in the game. Pool is one of my favourite activities, and I had made my good friends through this shared interest. There is the usual thrash-talking around the table, but we all know it is done in good fun. This intangible love we share for pool begets our innate understanding for each other. These are the memories I'm going to look back in the future, and smile and tear at the same time.
movie break
And so, for some strange reason, my parents wanted to catch Just Follow Law (even though it's been out since don't know when). So the four of us as a family headed down to Jurong Point to catch it, one of the last few places still showing it. Overall, it was alright. Probably the funniest part was the first performance of the job fair whereby the four main characters (fann wong and gurmit singh included) made horrendously funny faces to a cute tune. It was hilarious. My sister and I were screaming in laughter and doubling up in fits trying to catch our breaths in between our laughter. It was seriously one of the cutest, funniest sight I've ever seen. Somehow I think it's also the way they did it. They did it so daringly yet innocently. It's hard not to like them. ;)
I'm stressed with my essay. Sigh.
whew, it's over
So the presentation came and went. And for the first time ever, I did not prepare any script. It was just pure notes in point form and whatever that came to my head at that moment. Granted I did practise my presentation once through at home, verbally out loud to myself, but that was about it. My voice quality improved slightly today; even though I was still croaking, but if I were a male frog, I would be able to at least attract some female attention, heh. The one important factor that made me feel comfortable speaking in front of the class was the fact that I was allowed to sit down. It was an informal presentation, so I utilised it to its best. Interestingly, my voice didn't quiver, and the more I spoke, the less my heart pounded. And I did enjoy sharing with the class my personal thoughts and views. The conclusion my tutor gave me was that my paper was rather
bold in suggesting to do away with the WTO and I have to admit that that was partly the response I hoped to invoke, although I genuinely believed in my idealistic opinion. Ah well. At any rate, I'm glad it's over. Now to write my essay and tweak it a little.
no voice
This is one of the worst sore throats I've experienced in a while. Sigh. I can barely speak. My voice is croaking worse than a frog's, and it hurts to produce an audible sound. I can only whisper or mouth the words. And it has to happen, of all times, just when I have a presentation tomorrow. I'm already pretty stressed out with the presentation itself, having to prepare the outline and not knowing what in the world I'm writing (argh), and now I wonder how I'm even going to voice it. Sigh. But given my phobia of standing in front of the class, maybe some leniency will be shown to me. Just maybe. SIGH. I'm just so tired and sick. I need rest.
it's nearing..
Things are coming to an end all too quickly.
It was Law Ball 2007 last night. And despite all the year 4s griping about how expensive it was (it was made free for graduating students in the end) and how unappealing the law pageant contestants were (and still are), we had a swell time. People turned out well-dressed and well-groomed. The guys were dashing, the girls gorgeous. I had just the most amazing time going around the different tables and taking photos with the people whom I once had a connection with, be it in tutorial groups, having taken the same module, or simply shared a word once in our four years. Somehow I think that when one is about to move into a whole different chapter of one's life that one starts to cling on to past bonds more tightly. We're afraid of what the future holds, we don't want to let go of the comfort and security and
happiness that the past gave us. I'd never thought I'd say this but, yes, I am happy with the friendships I've made in law. Some more solid than others, but overall, happy. :) I think back fondly on the laughter we shared through the years and last night, I think back of the difficult times my close friends faithfully held my hands through, I think of the deeper conversations I shared with some of them. And I wonder if I will cry at the last day of school, or at the last day of exams. It dawned on me that I have only three weeks left of my entire education. Three weeks. That's not a lot. Inasmuch as work is piling on me, I can't afford to skip classes now, not when there's only precious few left. I must attend all classes and bring my camera and take as many happy pictures as I can in these last few weeks to seal the happy memories forever.
God's strength
Reading back my entries gives me some assurance that I can be as happy as I was before, if only I wanted to. My spirits were of the best of conditions, my mind was in tip-top shape, and I reflected and formulated thoughts better. I could tell from my words that pure joy was flowing from a warm and genuine spirit. Sure, some things may have cropped up since that seem to have changed the dimension of reality, but as I recall in one of my entries, the only thing that is preventing me from pursuing a happy life is my perception on the circumstance. Granted some aspects of reality are harder to accept than others, but if I truly deeply want to be happy, all I have to do is to muster the strength to beat it all. I cannot keep dwelling on things that I cannot change. I have to look forward and smile. Where will this strength come from?
God, please grant it to me.
trust and obey, for there's no other way
sigh i'm extremely stressed. things just suddenly pile up one after another. obligations that need to be fulfilled with no questions asked, things that demand your attention and energy, thoughts that continually plague you.. Lord, deliver me. please.
fantasia burrino
I teared uncontrollably as I watched the unfolding of fantasia burrino's life on star movies. Truly, her life is an inspiration. In our parochial outlooks, we always tend to think that our lives have been through some impossible shit, and the pains we felt are incomprehensible by anyone. It makes us look inward, indulge in self-pity and puts us in the centre of our world. But if we were to take the effort and peek into other people's lives and see what they are going or have been through, we will be so ashamed of ever thinking that our lives were like a dumpster. fantasia, like all human beings, had made mistakes in her life. She paid dearly for her actions, and has been through immeasurable hurt and betrayal. If she were to give up on her life, no one would actually blame her. But her pain drew her closer to God, and at every step of her path, she relied on Him more and more. She is where she is now because of her utmost faith in Him. After looking at her life, I can no longer honestly say that my life was a wreck. The way God has worked in her life gives me hope that He too can make a good thing out of mine. He has, and I hope He continues to do so.
My friend spoke a powerful statement to me, "God is bigger than your mistakes; God is bigger than your fears." I'll remember this for a long time.
bowled over
The speaker for today's corporate crime lesson was by far the best I've ever heard.
The topic was on corruption, and the man who spoke was a young chap at 37 and already the Head of Intelligence of the Corrupt Practices Investigation Bureau (CPIB). He started off by saying that he graduated from an economics background, dabbled in advertising thereafter for about 3 months before moving into the CPIB and has been there ever since. What impressed me the most was the way he so naturally and earnestly engaged the class. He didn't use very profound English; in fact, he spoke Singaporean english, peppered with occasional hokkien and chinese phrases. And instead of the word "have", he used "got" quite often, for example, "The CPIB
got a few cases at hand..." I have to admit that I found it quite jarring at the beginning, having been used to listening to grammatically correct english for so long. But his passion for eradicating crime and complete honesty simply won me over. Never have I seen anyone put so much thought and conviction into his words. Like my friend said, "After hearing politically correct answers from [a certain high court judge] this morning, his answers are such a welcome relief and so refreshing!" Because, really, he speaks straight from his heart. Regardless of any antagonistic questions thrown at him, he simply answered them with his honest opinion, saying that he recognised these problems exist and he wished there's more he or his department could do, but there isn't. He doesn't try to gloss the issue nor become defensive. He was just being his honest, true and natural self. Very seldom do you come across such people, and for someone who was preparing to read her own notes during the talk, I didn't look at them the entire 2 1/2 hours. My eyes and my thoughts were solely concentrated on him during the entire period, and that's rare.
Truly, a wonderful person to know and befriend (if I could). He's one of those few persons you just can't help but like. I give him my utmost respect.
peace within
a quiet sense of peace has taken over me. no longer tense, no longer clutching tightly. just letting go and letting things flow. God spoke to me during worship today, and He said "focus on Me". so i did.
back to God
there comes a point where no amount of logicizing and rationalising can replace the comfort and security God affords. i recognise that now. God, forgive me and let me return to you fully.
a desperate plea
God, God, please get me out of this dungeon.
killer essay
Finally, I cannot escape the inevitable - a 5000-7500 word essay is waiting for me. Argh. In all honesty, I probably only have myself to blame, seeing how I chose this module despite knowing beforehand the heaviness of it. I don't know what I was thinking. Perhaps in my mind I thought that since I had done so many essays the previous semester, it was time to take up a notch and give myself a challenge before I graduate. Sigh. I wouldn't entirely say I wish I hadn't, but it's something I have to get through right now, so no point thinking back.
Thinking spree, here I come.
warming up
And so, without any prior warning, I had to be on stage in front of hundreds of pairs of eyes. Due to some last minute hiccups, Joseph couldn't find any youth to read the scripture text for today, and in the end, he decided that he will just walk into the auditorium and get the first facilitator he sees. Lucky me. On one hand, I was extremely thrilled at the opportunity to practise my public speaking, yet on the other, I know I am SO bad at it that I was just praying not to make a fool of myself. I'm happy to report that it went well, and other people thought so too! I guess the real key is to speak slowly and deliberately. Thankfully my nerves didn't rankle that much. A sign of things to come? *crosses fingers* Two more school presentations this semester. Hopefully those go well.
