usage of time
The days are slipping by fast! I suppose when days are lined-up with activities and almost every pocket of the schedule is filled, somehow time seems insufficient and flies by all too rapidly. It also occurred to me that when time is tight, my concentration on each activity becomes more intense, as I am acutely aware of the possibility of not having a second chance to return to that moment to relive it, or if it's work, refine it. I used to think that such intensity would only wear my brain out, and I would need abundant beauty sleep and rest to recuperate. But having been through this sort of system for a while now, I realised that it's a matter of getting used to, plus it's a very efficient way of using time. Every moment is lived as if it would never return (which is true!), so a better quality of time is achieved.
refreshed, renewed
the recent line-up of activities have got me worried - am i overdoing this whole looking-outward scheme i've set for myself? i can only pray for the discipline and tenacity to do my work even amidst this flurry of events. sigh. but at least i've got God's peace in me, one that has put things into perspective and re-aligned my priorities. "
only one thing is needed, and it will not be taken away from her."
void
something reeks hollow..
growing up
"If it's a bad day, don't dwell on it. It's over. Wake up to a new tomorrow."
I heard this on the radio last night, and my initial thought was, how silly. We can't live life from day to day, discounting the consequences from the events which took place today and pretend that they don't exist tomorrow. But as I reflect further on it, I realised that perhaps this statement did not necessarily mean escapism, but simply a reminder to take things easy. There's only so much one can plan, and a thousand and one other things that don't go according to it. Sometimes when it appears that everything in the day that could go wrong did, I just have to leave it at that - it's just a day. The only thing I can do is to sleep on it, put myself out of emotional distress, and wake up feeling calm and rational, ready to tackle what had happened the day before and make new plans accordingly.
People always say to see things in perspective, to look ahead, to think long term. In theory, it is sound; in practice, it works and I know because I'm always looking back and reminding myself of how far I've travelled in life. Yet I also know how hard it is to put theory into practice.
When the day has only 24 hours, and the only milestones you're looking at in the day is wake-up time, breakfast, lunch, dinner and sleeping-time, it's hard to see whatever you do with the rest of your time will amount to anything substantial or significant in the future, if at all. To me, that is the scariest thought thus far.
:)
it's one of those nights when i finished work early and think about how blessed i really am.
sigh must tighten my shoelace
argh... out of all my modules, i think criminal procedure is the hardest and comes to me the least naturally. i mean, it's fun, i admit, to learn how the police arrest persons and conduct their investigations and all but it's quite a different case altogether when you are handling such a situation. for some strange reason, the administrative aspect of criminal procedure is just too complicated to understand or grasp. i can't seem to commit them to memory nor be able to spot the issues. sigh. i must buck up. this time round, i don't have the luxury of being able to do last minute work.
bring me back to yesterday
Gmail is impressive.
I was configuring my microsoft outlook to import my Gmail emails to it, and while sending/receiving, I chanced upon many of the old emails that were sent way back in 2004-2005. I read some of the emails that I wrote and felt thoroughly ashamed at the kind of language that I had used. Pompous, insensitive and presumptous (not all, but some). Still, it's not a pretty side of me. At the same time, these emails brought back a wealth of memories, and pictures couldn't stop streaming as I replayed the scenes of yesteryears in my mind. We were so happy and carefree then. No cares, no responsibilities, our only goal in life was to make merry. Sigh. The beginnings of youth, the friends I've made and subsequently lost contact with (sigh), the events and committees I was part of... All these I long, and miss. But the world doesn't stop changing on my account. I just have to deal with the loss of those good-old-days and embrace the tough reality.
Gmail is a good way to reflect. It keeps your self intact.
general comments
Finally, one free day tomorrow! :) It's been a week of lectures and tutorials, and as usual the attendant stresses, but I've learnt to deal with it... by having a game of pool with my kakis. ;) It's incredible. Because the Supreme Court is so near town, the temptation to just head over to the nearest pool parlour for that indulgent hour is just too great to give up. And for two consecutive days, I've been immersing myself in the company of my pool kakis. I guess the effect is quite similar to sports - for the entire time, your mind ceases to think of anything else except the game at hand. You're really just all out to win, and the intense concentration on the game makes you forget about other stresses momentarily. It helps that this place I've been going to has the best table cloth and pool balls I've ever seen. Super smooth. Super beautiful. Sigh.
Strangely, as the work gets heavier, it doesn't necessarily get tougher. I mean, even though we are delving deeper into concepts and procedures, I think it's the conditioning of the mind to think in a particular manner that is helping us adjust to the study we're doing now. I'm slowly getting used to thinking administratively. Truly real work is big on logical details; abstract thinking is really left to academics, lecturers and philosophers. As much as I believe myself to be an admin person, I realised that this world has been around much longer than I have, and has already developed its own system of rules and procedures that are tried and tested. It would be rude to barge in with my own ideas on how things ought to be run. Instead, adherence is key to success, at least in the initial stages. For now, my job is to understand WHY it's the way it is.
much rest
For the longest time, I cannot figure out why I dislike being out on a Saturday afternoon. While families and friends frantically seize the weekend opportunity to go out, I very much relish the idea of staying put at home to recharge. Perhaps I've long regarded home (or rather my third floor) as a safe haven for me to escape from all the pressures of the world. The world sends many messages that are deeply contrary to my beliefs, and as I grow older, it becomes increasingly harder to fight them. I often find myself entangled in convoluted conversations with friends coming from diametrically opposite ends, so much so that these days I don't feel the desire to open my mouth. It's so tiring to put forth my thoughts knowing the backlash and silent sneers that I inevitably get, that I just prefer to remain mum, or talk about inconsequential, non-contentious stuff (which even then demands much energy from me).
At home, in my third floor, where I'm all alone, I can switch on the aircon to escape from the relentless heat, lie on my favourite, most comfortable couch, hug a pillow and close my eyes and dream of beautiful things. Silence.
keeping mum
For all my complaints about the avalanche of work, this week's been surprisingly easy. There's nothing a good schedule, sufficient sleep and a dose of laughter-filled phone call cannot do. ;) I'm feeling happier these days. More relaxed, less edgy, more outward-looking. For a social recluse like me, my biggest enjoyment is spending time alone doing the things I like to do without having to make meaningless small talk (or noises, as I like to call it) with people just for the sake of it. Ah well. There's no job for a hermit out there now, is there?
pain pain
I don't think my head has throbbed more heavily since the beginning of plc. Work floods us like nobody's business and the quantity and the intensity are killing us. Argh... Right now, I'm debating within whether I should start on a piece of rather-urgent work, but I just feel like screaming out loud to get rid of the pain in my head! *
rubs temples* ouch ouch. sigh.
plans and schedules
I've come to realise that an integral factor of preserving my sanity is planning. Pure planning. When I am so overwhelmed with work and other nitty-gritty responsibilities, the last thing I want is for all these to pile up in my head one after another, steadily gathering momentum and volume as the days speed by, creating a massive ball of uncontrollable tangles which only furthers my stress. By contrast, planning allows me to see my things-to-do in an organised manner, releasing me from my headache and even giving me the opportunity to be somewhat spontaneous in my activities. I can shift my schedule around almost immediately if the event is urgent enough without having to incur extra stress. And in between completing my scheduled work, if I'm lucky, I can sneak in a couple of hours to do some leisure reading, like now. :)
All these I know and have been practising for almost my entire life. But it still never ceases to amaze me how it works every single time. I guess for the past month when I was working, I didn't bother to do much planning, and that consequently caused me to lose myself along with many other things. But having returned to studying and gained a bit of rhythm in my life (after a good two months of haphazardness), I'm finding myself once more. :) And I'm happy and at peace.
