first paper
Oh well. The first paper came and went. And considering the fact that I didn't pay attention during the entire semester for this module, and studied a full solid week for it, maybe it's not so bad that I completely threw out the last question. Sigh. Looking back, like all students, I so wished that I could have thought of the issues then, or at least garner more courage to write what I really thought about the issue even though it may not be in the notes. Sometimes in my moments of panic, I forget that at the end of the day, it is common sense that steals the show. Really, law is fundamentally regulating human behaviour, one of my specialist areas of thinking, heh. If only I had the guts to pen my instincts then. Sigh. In any case, there's really nothing more I can do about it, and if moping could somehow miraculously reform the eyes of the marker to see the value beyond my shoddy words, I would gladly do so. Ah well. Dreams will remain dreams. Reality beckons. My dean's words lent me some comfort, "
Don't get overly stressed as good grades, while helpful, are neither a necessary nor a sufficient measure for future success."
be brave
This chapter of my life is swiftly coming to an end. In less than a week, the life that I've always known, which has always revolved around attending lessons in various institutions, studying for an inordinate amount of tests and exams, being free to make the kind of friends who, I know, will always be more genuine than anyone I meet in future and of course the long stretches of holidays, will be over. The biggest step of my life lays right before me: to step off the bank of being a dependent "adolescent" and crossing over to become a fully functional, independent working adult. All previous transitions between different levels of education pale in comparison to this one singular move. I'm not a child anymore; I need to grow up.
"
Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere." Psalms 84:10. My verse of the day.
painful massage
And so, sunday did turn out to be a day of rest. I had my virgin experience of a full-body massage, and let me tell you, it was no pampering experience. The masseuse was hammering the bones at each side of my upper back, trying to get rid of the apparent air bubbles trapped underneath it. The force applied was the hardest my body has ever taken! And I received the usual comment of how my back was very "ying" (hard). After the session was over, I saw the masseuse flicking her wrists vigorously. It was as if her hands had just been through some samsui-kind of a manual labour. As for me, pure pain and exhaustion was written all over my face. My friend who came with me commented that when both the masseuse and I walked out, the masseuse looked completely worn out and I was utterly dazed. Indeed I was. The pain in my bones took away every ounce of common sense in me. It persisted till yesterday and caused something which happens very
rarely to me: moodiness. It was most unpleasant to feel upset and not know why. I blame the pain for taking away my precious rationality. Today was better. The pain ebbed and my mood was lifted. Perhaps this episode tells me that some bodies are not meant for the kind of luxurious pampering the world subscribes to. I don't think I can take another moody session.
His ways are better
Irrational thoughts are overwhelming me tonight. To forgive is humanly irrational, but all-Godly rational. Perhaps it is only by denying our human tendencies and doing what God wants us to do despite our human-ness crying the other way will we see the logic behind God's rules. I believe all rules have a purpose (but whether the purpose is adequately served by those rules is a another matter). God's rules are indisputably perfect, but it's sometimes difficult to understand why they are the way they are, especially when they are so hard to follow. Looking at it rationally, however, it is precisely because they are not easy to follow that they are made rules (for if they are easily obeyed, we would not call them rules anymore,
Romans 7:7, 12-13). From a faith perspective, I guess the only way to truly comprehend God's rules for us is to simply obey them. I may not understand why, but I trust God that His rules will work the best in me.
It's been a non-stop 9-day working stretch for me. I haven't had a day's rest to myself and my brain is well and truly loaded. I'm considering making tomorrow a real Sabbath, one that will allow me some time alone with a nice book which is non-law. Unfinished work scattered around my desk still scares me, but I think the decision to take a break needs to be made, well, at least for the afternoon. If I feel frantic enough, I may type a few notes at night. Sigh. It's going to take a lot of trust (and willpower) for me not to touch my notes tomorrow.
gearing up
"Late at night when all the world is sleepingI'd stay up and think of you..."One of my all-time favourite songs. Deep rich melody. Lulls me into a mellow, pensive mood.
It's been an intensive past four days with non-stop reading and massive feeding of information into my head and sadly, it doesn't look like it's going to slow down anytime soon. Sigh. Yes, what's new. It's exam period again. Seven cycles of it have numbed me to the stress; I'm too tired to be frantic. Have decided to just stick to my schedule and hope for the best. Appetite has definitely increased. I feel a lot more voracious more frequently, and because my house is not exactly well-stocked, I usually end up wandering aimlessly around the same few places looking for food. Opening the different levels of the fridge, looking at the bar-table for munchies, scanning the main dining table for leftover chinese new year goodies... A vagabond in my own home, heh.
pay rise
Inasmuch as the debate on the ministerial's pay increase is taking a beating from everyone, I must offer in humility, my sincerest and most honest opinion, that I think our prime minister is a very good man, and one of the best leaders you can find. From listening to his speech and observing how tactfully he handled the issue, I must say he's certainly very sensitive, a virtue that is not widely-common and something which I highly value. What makes him such a persuasive speaker is the fact that he's not immune to the emotional aspects of this issue. When he says things like, "Logically speaking, it's the right thing to do, but I know it's very hard for people to
emotionally accept it (
paraphrased).", you can't help but feel drawn to him because you know that he's actually listening to the protests and not dismissing them as irrelevant. And he takes the effort to address each and every one of them. The immensity of passion with which he spoke at parliament even earned a comment from my mom, "Why is he so
emotional about this?" It's therefore quite hard to believe that the reasons he gave are merely justifications to increase their individual kitty. And he's backing it up with concrete actions as well, pledging to give his increase for the next 5 years to charitable causes. Living by the benefit of the doubt philosophy.
friends lost
In this rare moment of spare time, I took a trip down memory lane and looked at past photos with all the various people that had once walked into my life. There were many friendships that could've been stronger, closer, but somehow, maybe it was something I said or did, the friendship just didn't work out and we lost touch, we became less close, there seemed nothing more in common. I don't know. It pains me, sometimes.
looking forward
There's comes a point in life when one suddenly realises that one doesn't have to look back anymore. Why keep past entries when they only rake up unpleasant thoughts? Why continue to hold on to writings that only remind one of immaturity and ignorance? What Apostle Paul says is right, "Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.." (Phil 3:13). The future is bright and beautiful for me. I have no need of history.
it's over
and so, it is finished.
at long last, the last assignment i ever have to do for law is over. finally over. somehow it smacks of surrealism. i've been struggling with it for so long, and so hard, that when it is finally completed, and the burden that has been weighing on my head is suddenly lifted, i feel strangely uncertain. unsure of the next step i ought to take. for the past whole month, i can safely say that i have not gone through a single day without thinking about it. the stress and fear had gripped me so strongly that every waking and sleeping hour was filled with its thoughts. it refused to let me rest at all. even as i had already uploaded my paper, the heavy throbbing of my brain still remains, as though it has been accustomed to do so. i wonder what it's like to not think about my paper. it should be a novel experience.
"i don't know"
I stumbled upon something. You know how it is often said that the more you know, the more you realise that you don't actually know anything at all? But it doesn't explain why you feel less afraid when you know more despite your increasing awareness of how little you know. I thought of two reasons and hopefully I can be coherent with these complicated thoughts.
First - when you start off not knowing anything, say for a particular topic, you feel insecure because you lack foundational knowledge. But as you slowly learn the ropes, you become more confident because of your firm foundation. In my opinion, advanced knowledge is built on basic knowledge so one will never feel insecure in the increasing awareness of one's ignorance because one has already mastered what is necessary. Second - the true value of acquiring knowledge is not to build your confidence in what you know, but to gain the confidence to acknowledge what you don't know.
It is the second reason that resonates more deeply with me. The richness of one's character is built on the honesty and humility to say "I don't know" when one really does not know.
still suffering
This feels crazily familiar. I remember writing an entry exactly a week ago, right smack in the middle of a saturday afternoon amid similar heavy showers pouring just outside my balcony together with the low rumbling of an annoyed thunder. Sigh. It's just two days away from my deadline, and somehow even though I've attained the requisite number of words for my essay, there's a hollow feeling that something is still seriously lacking. But I've stared and I've pored over my essay since the second week of march, which is about a month ago, and have already drained my brain entirely of creative juices. I wish I could just send in my paper at this moment but I know it's so, so far from perfect. It's going to be two more pure hectic and frantic days scurrying through the 15-page document, editing, para-phrasing, adding and deleting information, putting in references and making sure everything flows and makes sense. This is by far the most difficult essay I've ever had to do in law school, and even though right now I'm suffering heavily for my impulsive choice, I hope that someday when I encounter a more difficult project, I can look back and take heart in the knowledge that I've done it before.
the awareness of change
I'm not sure about others, but I tend to set my identity around the things that I like or dislike, or things I'm naturally inclined to do or not to do. And sometimes when a particular taste or inclination changes, it forces me to evaluate whether the core of who I am still remains. For instance, I've always believed that I could never work under any circumstances other than on home ground and in total solitude, but recent events have compelled me to pick up my laptop and head to the comp lab in school to work. And the more I work there, the more comfortable I feel and the more productive I have become. Which led me to re-evaluate my initial conviction about how I am unable to work with people around. Another more startling change is the realisation that I am increasingly unafraid of speaking in public. The past two class presentations had gone so smoothly without the usual display of stuttering and nervousness despite preparing very little for them has forced me to think whether this heralds the coming of a new serena. Because often, people who are able to speak in public have an inherent personality trait that allows them to blab spontaneously in front of people without flinching, something which quieter people usually don't possess, something which I thought I never had. So I don't know. I hope it's just practice-makes-perfect, because I very much prefer being a private person.
twist and turns
super super super super super super stressed. the deadline for my essay is drawing dangerously close, and i want it to be as complete as i possibly can. i've drawn upon all my brain cells and thought about it as hard as i can, so much so that i can literally feel my brain is on fire. the heat emanating from my cranial region is giving my temples a massive ache. :( i wish i could give my 100% but there are other minute things bothering me at the same time, argh. and i've come to realise that being this intensely stressed actually makes me stupid. my brain can think of no other things at all, and sometimes i wonder if that's how people actually lose their common sense - through massive stress. sigh. i hope work in future doesn't turn me stupid. ironic isn't it.
