a new theory
It's frightfully scary how deeply I've been thinking about societal issues these past few days. The modules I'm taking just forced me to open my eyes and re-think the mindset I grew up with.
I mean, I always knew that people come from different backgrounds and acquire different perspectives. That life is a bed of roses for some, and others struggle to get by. But staring the disparity straight in the face just makes me feel uncomfortable and guilty. I once chanced upon a perfect counter-argument when people try to console others by saying that their worries don't matter because people in poorer countries have it worse. I thought to myself, just because they have their worries does not mean that mine doesn't matter. The situation that I'm placed in at the very moment makes my worry every inch as real to me as the hunger and poverty facing those people in those countries. I'm not saying that their worries are not warranted; all I'm saying is that my worry matters too, and dismissing it as unimportant does not alleviate my pain (in fact, it makes it worse). When those people in the said countries have satisfied their poverty and reached a decent standard of living, they would begin to worry about how they can "up" their standard and live more lavishly. So I came to the conclusion that we worry about different things at different stages of our lives and life is a neverending cycle of worries. Thus my worry is just as important as those people's worries.
Looking back, I now clearly see the flaws in my selfish argument. If we were to look upon human life as a whole, we can rank the kinds of worries we face. It is like a pyramid. At the bottom tier are basic needs of food, water, shelter, clothes and security. Once these are satisfied, only then can one afford the luxury to worry about better food, drinks, houses, clothes and stability. The more of these basic needs we satisfy, the less we ought to worry. The trouble with the richer, younger generation (myself included) is that we tend to skip the worries of the bottom tier and jump straight into the middle. Which is why those worries look to us as big and real as the lack of food or water. The size of our mental pyramid is so much smaller than what it ought to be. I guess I can't really blame ourselves for being born in such an environment (it's all God's plan), but thinking about others once in a while doesn't hurt a bit.
thoughts, thoughts
It's been a retrospective weekend. Of lost wishes, of unfulfilled desires, of dreams unrealised. Of my recent metamorphosis, of looking at the world through a different perspective, of looking at people with different shades of colour. Of difficult moral standards, of brazen faces of youth, of immovable mindsets of elders. Of how knowledge affects perception, of how perception is reality, of how one has the power to change reality. Of the balance between pride and humility, of intelligent submission, of reasoned opinions. Of the path my life had taken, of the road my present is going, of the future.
When I think about my life, what had been done in the past, and what the future holds, I can't help but feel that it has been so perfectly orchestrated by God. Nothing is luck, really. God knows every single thing that had happened and had allowed it to happen. It's just such a warm comforting thought to know that even though at that point in time you cry out, "why do I have to go through this?", on hindsight you realised that everything happens for a reason. To quote C.S. Lewis in his third book, "The Horse and His Boy", where the Lion, Aslan, is metaphorically God,
"
I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis. I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the Horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you."
My heart melted when I read this. Thank you for reminding me that You've always been there.
a tribute to ms heng and scgs
It has been a most nostalgic afternoon for me.
Going back to my alma mater brings back such a wonderful host of memories. The buildings, the familiar sights and sounds, the innocent pretty girls decked in a sea of blue, their laughter, their chatter, the mee pok man, the drinks auntie... Change may be inevitable, but to return to scgs and see remnants of the past still surviving deeply warms my heart.
It was the retirement of our beloved principal, ms rosalind heng. And although I never knew her personally, she was iconic of scgs. She made scgs the place that we all reminiscence with such fondness and love. Her delightful sense of humour coupled with her outpouring of genuinity has striked a chord with (I can safely say) all scgs girls. It is so rare to find a principal who makes the effort to interact with her students and ensuring the welfare of everyone of us, yet command our utmost respect. She is truly a principal of principles, a person to be highly revered. Scgs has lost one of their best principals ever. But we're happy for her; after 27 years of service, she deserves her break. We'll miss her.
Going back to school and seeing my friends once more made me dig into my treasure box of memories. Those innocent and happy times spent playing intra-class sports, performing on stage, competing with our rival class (in good spirit, heh) and of course, trading titbits of gossip about anyone and everyone. We learnt together, we rejoiced together, we cried together. Teachers were like friends to us and we could share with them our thoughts and feelings freely. I didn't know how much I missed being in a girls' school until I returned today. Being surrounded by your own kind was truly liberating, somehow. We share similar hopes and dreams and fears. We don't have to say a lot of words to understand each other.
We've all grown up now, with significant others and all, but it hasn't altered our basic nature one single bit. It's amazing. The spirit of scgs lives on.
When I sang the school song earlier, along with the rest of the alumni specially for ms heng, I could feel the tears about to spring from my eyes. I've not sang it for ages, yet the moment I uttered the first few words, the rest just flowed naturally. The voices of the alumni filled the lobby and for those few precious seconds, only the sweetest tune rang throughout the school. One could literally feel the pride with which all of us sang the school song with. I know I did.
Good bye ms heng. As you've once said, you can take a girl out of sc, but you can't take the sc out of her. And you've said too that, years down the road, we will appreciate the fact that we can proudly tell others we're scgs girls. I never really understood what that meant, but I do now. Thank you for putting the sc in me.
ridiculous!
I heard the funniest thing yesterday. :)
During mediation class, my tutor was giving us some advice on how we are to write our annotations for our final journals.
He said, "Carol and I have been around long enough to know what bullshit is."
He continued, "Don't think we are mushrooms..." And he paused.
At this point, I (and probably the rest of the class) was wondering what in the world has thinking he and Carol are mushrooms got anything to do with it."...hiding in the dark so that you can feed us with manure."
Oh man, the moment he said that, the whole class burst out in hysterical laughter at the ridiculousness of his sentence. It was so unexpected and witty that we simply couldn't contain ourselves. Gosh, he's got to be the tutor with the "worst" sense of humour around. I enjoy his classes immensely. :)
need to be more "up"
My work is going much slower than expected. Sigh.
Perhaps it's because it's the last stretch that I'm taking such an unhurried and un-frantic manner with my last essay. I don't think that it being the biggest nor the heaviest has anything to do with it, because really, I render all my assignments with the same rigour. I guess it has more to do with the overall fatigue I'm experiencing from the amount of writing I did this semester. I took a week off for my brain to rest, but it doesn't seem sufficient to regenerate new thoughts this time round. Boo. :( Just got to go with the flow, and pray really hard to get through this last one without too much damage. :( Need to regain that sense of urgency.
On the upside, went to united square for dinner with my parents. And for dessert, I could not resist the call of the Mini-Melts! You know those balls of ice cream? I really love those, and so far only united square seems to have such an outlet. The last time I ate it was in bangkok airport. Cute, delicious ice cream really perks me up! :)
shit happens, thankfully
It's been a horrendous weekend.
So bad was my indigestion that I couldn't pass motion for two whole mornings. Perhaps the fact that I was away in a foreign land (actually, just m'sia, but still) made my body more unaccustomed to passing out toxins from my body. So there I was in m'sia, lying down most of the time, clutching my bloated tummy, and inviting the same questions from everyone who saw me, asking how I was. I was in a terrible state of discomfort. The feeling of wanting to eat but being unable to was killing me. Upon returning to Singapore, I immediately pestered my parents to drop me at the nearest provision shop to stock up on prunes, prune juice and yakult. But when I got home, I finally decided that desperate times call for desperate measures, and popped a pill of laxative. One hour later, pure relief washed over me when I went to the toilet. :) Never had such a putrid smell emitted from the toilet bowl before, which just goes to show how long the shit had been waiting to come out. I'm telling you, the feeling of everything spilling out of me was fantastic (sorry for the grossest of imaginations). ;)
The diarrhoea-tic effect spilled over (no pun intended) till today, and I'm still having watery stools. But at any rate, it's better than having shit stored up in your system.
come back to me, sanity
The irrationality is killing me; this is the only time that logic chooses to elude me. Sigh.
sigh, i pray.
I'm filled with an unspeakable burden, a burden so heavy that my heart hurts. There is no such thing as perfection. What you gain in one, you lose in another. That perfect balance is an illusion; an "asymptote". You can only get nearer, but you'll never touch it. The christian life is a neverending struggle, but perhaps it is only through struggles that one gains in a deeper experiential knowledge of God and His ways. You can never really fathom what He has in store for you; life is full of surprises. Don't ever say you'll never do this or never become this, because ultimately God always has a way of proving you wrong. Time and again I'm humbled by His sovereignty and power.
It's a heavy heart I have now, but I'm glad it's heavy. At least I'm struggling.
the choice
Yet another relaxing thursday. :)
Arranged with some friends to play pool after class, but in the end only three of us went. The rest "pang-seh" us to study. Grr. Especially since they all agreed that thursday was a good time for them. And they didn't even have the courtesy to inform us that they couldn't make it, but waited for me to call them one by one. Sigh. Oh well, but I'm glad for the company of these two friends anyway; it made for more intimate conversation, heh heh. Pool was a great stress-reliever. No fancy shots today (in fact I was a terrible aim today :(), but it was fun anyhow. Headed thereafter to al-azhar for dinner, and even though I ate only two pratas, it was enough to fill me to the brim! I was so bloated I think I walked like a drunkard. ;) But the sharing during dinner was intense and immense, something which I haven't enjoyed for ages. It's so hard to keep up with diplomacy all the time that to let loose and say what you really feel within the comforts of close and trusted friends felt so carthartic. ;)
I'm wary of some of the recurring thoughts I've been experiencing lately. It's a feel-good thought, but it also robs me of my relationship with God if I indulge in it for too long. I don't really know how to handle it, and I can only pray for wisdom to find a balance between the two. Sigh. Honestly speaking, I rather not have the thought than to be away from God. The ephemeral feeling can never replace the permanent stability that God provides.
laugh and be merry
Got this off a friend's blog, who got it from The New Paper:
Two middle-aged women dragged a young man before wise King Solomon, each asserting that he had promised to marry their own daughter. Solomon heard their pleas, then remembered a similar case some time ago."Cut the youth in two," he ordered. "since these ladies will not renounce their claims to him, and give half to each to be husband to their daughters."The first woman was satisfied with the judgment, while the second woman immediately fell upon her knees and pleaded that she was willing to forsake her case and allow the young man to leave, whole and unharmed, with the other woman.Whereupon, King Solomon immediately confirmed the verdict. "Young man, go with the first woman. She has proven that she is a true mother-in-law."I thought it was hilarious.
A brief moment of happy insanity in the midst of sinking sand. It's that time of the semester.
passing notes
You know you've reached the peak of modernisation when your friend smses you in class even though you're only two metres away. And it's not even a serious urgent question. It goes, "eh, are you really paying attention or just daydreaming? coz you look dazed staring at your notes." Argh.. I couldn't help but smile at the frivolous message. This is the high-tech way of passing notes in class, almost undetectable by the tutor. ;) Welcome to the new age, people.
Managed to do some catching up with some of my old friends yesterday. Gosh, it's been such a while since I last saw or spoke to them. Some of them looked really weathered from the stresses of this semester. All of us were in agreement that never in our entire law school lives had we worked as hard as this semester. The amount of assignments and projects strewn our way is simply unbelievable. But I guess we can take comfort in the solidarity of the legal life we sold ourselves to, heh.
tired, tired
I've been mean to my brain. I exploited it to its maximum capacity without giving it a chance to regenerate new cells. :( Just like how land needs time to fallow, and stomachs need time to digest, so do brains need time to rest and recuperate before tackling other assignments. Sorry brain, I fail to see your need.
research, research :(
Paid my maiden visit to the national library yesterday. Goodness, it was huge! And lovely. :) I trooped there to do some research for my mediation essay, and the resources available were tremendous. There were just so many interesting books that I could stay there and read myself silly. ;) Managed to find the relevant notes I wanted and went away satisfied. :)
On the downside, my brain is becoming weary with the amount of writing I have done this semester. :( I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing but the essay I'm doing now dabbles not so much of law but more of sociology and psychology. It's good that it's an aberration from the heavy legal stuff, yet I feel wholly inadequate to tackle a topic which may be interesting but I lack experience in. Praying for wisdom, as usual.
Lord, I need strength to sustain this last stretch. Sigh.
books and cheese
To show how transformed from a lazy slug to a hardworking mugger I have become, when I went to the librarian today and asked her how many books I could borrow at a time, imagine my delight when she said as a year 4, I was entitled to 15 books (as compared to 10 for third-yearers) and could hold them for 4 weeks (instead of the usual 2)! I was thrilled beyond words, to be able to borrow so many books and keep them for so long, just for
research purposes. Man.
I haven't had cheese for a long time, and am feeling quite deprived. :( Was having a very cheesy conversation with a good friend of mine, and we just went on and on about the various types we liked, where to get, the behaviour of cheeses, complained about the seductive nature of it despite it being expensive and fattening... He sweared by this particular australian cheddar, which he said was basically his staple, and recommended me try some, heh. He said he's gonna bring some next week to let me try before I go and buy. Yay, can't wait. :)
presentation "delights"
I'm getting lazier and lazier to blog. Or am I just getting busier and busier with work? Hmm...
Clearing my to-do list one by one. It gives me a sense of satisfaction to tick off my mental list the things I have done, leaving the list shorter and shorter. I'm currently left with 2 big assignments and a series of short journals. Then it's exams. Then it's hols. Then it's happiness. :)
Did my tfocl presentation today. Topic was on complicity and our group focused mainly on the requisite
mens rea for the crime of abetment. Before my turn began, I felt the familiar rapid increase in heartbeat, which I'm still sorely lacking control over. But I took deep 10-second breaths in hope of calming myself down. It helped, a bit. When my turn came, I stood up and started rambling off my paper. I admit, I was going a bit fast to hide my nervousness, but I realised once I started speaking, the nervousness stopped. I wasn't trembling anymore. I guess it helped that I knew exactly what I wanted to say and the arguments I was proposing. It was very clear in my head the direction I wanted to take my listeners to. Nevertheless, I couldn't stop the speed I originally began with. My friends who sat in front of me tried to wave me into slowing down; I saw and I tried but I soon gave up because I was just too excited to get the words off my mouth. In any case, most of the year 4s after class came up to us and said it was a good presentation, so that made me happy. :)
the deal about alcohol
My low threshold for alcohol is actually an advantage, heh.
It only takes a glass of wine for me to feel sleepy, to lose control of my limbs and put me in an ebriated state. This afternoon while having lunch with my parents, my dad poured a glass of white wine for himself which my mom bought from hong kong. And recalling the exuberant feeling I had after a glass of wine on thursday night, I asked him to pour me a glass too. So as usual after lunch, we just sat around and took out mooncakes and cheese as an after-meal snack/dessert. Perhaps because I was already feeling sleepy from last night's activities, coupled with the quick downing of alcohol, that when I wanted to reach out to take the cheese, I accidently knocked over my glass and it broke! I felt the slight loss of control of my limbs when I reached out for the cheese; my hands were not following the directions my brain was giving it. And as I witnessed the fall, my brain was telling me to "catch it quick!", but somehow I couldn't move fast enough to do so. And even after the fall, it took me about two seconds before I went, "oh." I mean, internally, I was feeling, "oh no! oh dear..." but I didn't have the energy to express it. And immediately my father said, "you're drunk already." Haha. I guess he noticed how slow my overall reaction towards the incident was as compared normally. And he cautioned me once again never to drink and drive because the effect of alcohol on you can be so subtle.
Interestingly, I feel so tired and sleepy now that I have no energy to feel stressed. I'm still worried about my work and all, but the overwhelming fatigue is just forcing the stress away, heh. But I do feel, in some way, a little more relaxed when tackling my work. So maybe it's good to have a glass once in a while when stress sets in, heh. Better than cakes or ice-cream eh, which only provides temporary glucose surge.
pure relaxation
It's been a most relaxing night. :)
Went to Wild Rocket for dinner with my parents. Mentioned it in passing to my mom and she was interested to try it out. So yep off we went. I finally tried the much talked-about laksa linguini and strawberry cheesecake for dessert. I must say the laksa linguini was okay only, but spicy enough for a sweat bead to escape the side of my face. And I must admit, I've NEVER eaten laksa before in my entire life. Never really liked the idea of chinese noodles mixed with malay curry. So tasting laksa was entirely new, wasn't even sure if that's what laksa was supposed to taste like. Oh well. But the strawberry cheesecake was heavenly. The cheese on top was super rich and creamy. Yum. And topping it off was the house pour of Australian white wine. It was really lovely, sweet, with just the right amount of alcohol to give me an adrenaline rush without making me feel sleepy. I feel quite energetic now. :)
This was my starter. Fresh tuna with rocket salad beneath. It's refreshing. :)
There's the laksa linguini. I think it looks better than it tastes, heh.
There's the utmost delicious cheesecake. I especially like the taste of cheese together with the graham biscuit and mushed strawberry beneath.
I guess above all, it's just nice to go out with your parents for dinner once in a while and have a nice chat, even if one member of the family is temporarily missing. I just feel so relaxed right now, a feeling which I had not felt in ages.
recharged
Took a break from all forms of work tonight. I must be mad to think I can charge through the week filling every free hours with work. No doubt, I've been dubbed the hardworking kid by some peers, but even machines take time to re-oil their gears, heh. Had a splitting headache when I returned from school in the evening, which worsened when I tried to feed more words into my eyes. The pain was screaming at me, "That's it for today! No more work." Thankfully I listened, because the pain subsided. It's sometimes too easy to forget I'm just human.
my brain is taxed
I wish I had something new to add, but really, work is an all-consuming evil. I don't think my brain has fired more thoughts than any other semester before, what with all these thinking essays and journals. I think TFOCL (theoretical foundations of crim law) has got to be the one working my brain the hardest. It really forces you to delve deeply into the issues criminal law has to deal with and gives you a very pointed perspective of human behaviour. Theoretically I don't have to cover all readings, but because it is such a compelling read, somehow my eyes can't lift themselves off the paper, heh.
still of the night
There's a strange hollow feeling which I can't explain. Somewhere within the realms of my ribcage ache.
